Bullshit and Rants

Forgotten.

Guys... I just... I don't understand.

This isn't about anime.
This isn't about manga.
This isn't about my friends doing something stupid.
This isn't something that I'm angry about and ranting about.

It's something that keeps ripping open the same void that I've been trying to fill for 5 years.
I actually believed that I went through the five stages of grief within these five years...

3rd grade: denial- Because I knew it wasn't true.
4th grade: Anger- I'm upset because of how unfair it was.
5th grade: bargaining- I was hoping there was a way to coax it back to the way it was.
6th grade: depression- I can't count how many days I just felt... empty.
7th grade: acceptance- I just gave in. This year, I finally figured it was done.

But that's because I hadn't spoken them in 5 years.

I'm talking about my best friend. Or I guess was best friend. Many don't understand you don't just get over something. It just felt so real now.

In the summer of sixth grade... I remember seeing him and waving from afar, he glanced and ran away...
I was with Snow_queen03 at the time... And although I was really hurt I guess... I'm glad I'm good at faking a smile so I wouldn't trouble her.

Well... I finally accepted this year that- it was done. Nothing more I could do. I couldn't just force him to remember me, I couldn't force myself to forget either.

Still, I know I'll get people saying that they're my friends now, and that was in the past. But... To me it was more than that. I don't know if they will ever understand. Losing your best friend that you had thought would at least bear your name being said to them...
Well he didn't. He didn't bear it.

No I'm not in love.
It wasn't like that.
He was like a brother to me.
And was my best friend.

My first real friend at that too.

The reason I brought this up is because I saw him again...
I was at the library, and I turned around and for a split second, my heart rose, then completely fell out of my chest.

I walked passed him and stood at a shelf, so when he was unfocused on the checkout screen, he'd see my face. I wanted to see if he remembered me. He put his head down after seeing me, and quickly darted out of the library.

Haha... I guess I should have expected that.
I know I sound ridiculous, but I hope he is doing alright, and is happy.
Even if he forgot, I still care. I ask how he's doing whenever I hang out with his older sister, and change the subject every time he's brought up in conversation. I don't want to see him... Because I think that he has his reasons on not wanting to see me. I must've hurt him deeply.

I'm not sure what I did, but I'm sure the blame is on me.

Nevertheless, I hope he's happy, because during the short period of time I was friends with him, he made me happier than I'd ever been. He had put me back on my feet after some awful stuff happened a year before.
So... If you ever read this... I hope you are happy. In the most sincere way possible. And just to say... Thanks.

:')