A Flame From The Past

46: Never Be The Same

Our words were numbered, he was becoming as absent as my father would at times. He cared, showed concern but the way he looked at me was never the same as before, never the same when he had left my school that day with me left in the building. I missed that look in his eyes, like he wanted me, like he needed me, like he wanted to kiss me every chance he got. Now it felt like we were married, stuck in the same cycle. Nothing could cheer us up, nothing could bring us down.

His body rested against mine, nimble kisses flowing on the side of my head. Ever since the accident he had only been able to kiss me on my head, when he looked away from me and he never kissed me on my lips. He wouldn't look at me at all, my scars showing along my face. And I wished, I just wished he would love me again, the same way he used to.

"I'm so sorry". He whispered out, every morning started the same ever since I got back, he apologized it had been five days. And everyday he apologized, he felt as if he had something he needed to pay off, some debt he needed to relinquish.

"It's not your fault". My words became repetitive over time, my heart not having the strength to hear him whisper those words. I just wanted him to believe me, I wanted him to believe me that it wasn't his fault. That it would never be his fault.

"I love you. I love you". I breathed out, five days of feeling drowned were over for me. I either left or stayed, whichever he wanted, but right now it seemed he wanted me to leave, right now it seemed he didn't even want me. Like it pained him to look at me, like every time he looked at me he felt a punch in his gut. And I hated that feeling, like he would never look at me the same, I hated that feeling that we would never be the same.

"I love you too". His words numbered, and our relationship now turned into sounding like a married couple with two busy jobs and millions of children, but we weren't married, Ray was at Mariam's and my job was on Christmas break. We had nothing limiting our relationship yet the accident stood with us every step we took, the accident couldn't seem to be ridden from his mind.

This time he tried, he turned to face me, his heart beating like a wildfire, my hands shivering in its place. I knew I was a reminder to him that he could've lost me, but I was living through it everyday. And every time he woke up and faced me, with serious injury inflicted upon him it pained me more than he would ever know.

"I'm so sorry, about... all of it. I don't know what's wrong with me". He whispered, new words tacked on from his lengthy vocabulary of what had consisted of small talk for us. He reached out his hands rubbing down my bruises, and he didn't look away, he didn't whimper as he moved towards my lips.

"You have nothing to be sorry for Luca. I love you, every part of you". I said, allowing myself to comfort him as much as he could handle it, before he looked at me once more and he was disgusted with himself.

"I need you". He crumbled, his love melting towards me as I opened my arms for him, his fortress walls breaking down further into me as he hugged my arms, feeling the depth of them.

"I haven't been a good boyfriend lately...". He said, his head rested on my shoulder as his words were muffled, but his heart beat profoundly.

"You've taken care of me". I said, trying to reassure him, he had been good, a good friend to the least. He was caring and tender, but the way he kissed me with passion had been obliterated the day the accident happened, and it had never returned. An innocent touch glazed my collarbone as I moaned, feeling his finger drag across as I held my breath and he chuckled. The tension between us quickly turned.