A Flame From The Past

59: Worries and Doubts

"I mean it". He said, his eyes never leaving mine, his hand coddling mine.

"Move in with me".

"I can't". I said, out of breath, even worried why I had shown up here, why I had gone through with this, why I couldn't even fathom to let him go. It was the only words that could even escape my mouth, as he stared at me, with this long intense gaze, like everything he had ever wanted finally came true.

"I don't know how to raise him... I've never been a parent to anyone and loo-look at my parents". He said, his voice startled with the reality of this all, but even as he stood there nervous, he had never seemed so at home with it all.

"He needs you.." His voice startled me as he let out a sigh and opened his mouth again. "I need you".

"Luca I-I... we're just getting to a normal place. We're just getting to a place where we trust each other, we can't move in with each other". I said, trying to reason with him, I wanted Ray to have a home more than anything. But not just any home, a home with love, with patience, with friends and family. I wanted him to have the homes both Luca and I never had.

"And we can still do that, together". His voice startled as he took my hand in his and pressed it against his heart. He wanted this, badly. He needed this. But if I were to even think about this, I needed to set something down.

"We can create a family for him, a family of us. I've wanted this since the beginning, and we can get a puppy, we can even move if you prefer a house". He suggested his optimism shining through, he wanted this.

"If this happens we can't be together". I said, remembering my childhood, how unhappy I was, how I wished my parents had never loved each other so it would hurt less.

"No". He said sternly, his voice cruel in every way.

"Luca you saw what happened to our parents, it ruined us". I tried telling him, we couldn't let this ruin the family we would be forming. If we got together and the fighting was constant we would be unhappy, unhappy to the brink of unhappiness. All of our parents made our lives hell. What if we lost it, like that? Hurt each other the way they did. I would never allow Ray to witness that. I would never let him be in the middle of it. I always told myself I would rather live in a home full of love than of hate.

"I love you. I need you." He said, shaking his head, his understanding varying along the lines of very negative.

"Luca. We need to create a safe place for him". I told him as he grabbed my hand again.

"This is safe, we're safe". He said, but I shook my head, knowing I couldn't ruin this.

"Why can't you just believe in us? Believe in me". He begged his eyes, deranged, his body language Our unable to read, but the dread pulled through him.

"I believe in you... but we can't risk this." I said, But he wouldn't understand.

"We're different than them, we're not them". His heart withered in front of him. I took his head, coddled it into one as he looked up at me.

"I want you to find someone, meet someone while I'm here and then I'll move out in a year and Ray can stay between us and you can find the girl of your dreams". I begged him, to be left alone, worrying about the atmosphere that we would create. But his eyes teared before him.

"I won't. I can't. You're the girl of my dreams, the only girl I'll love. So for the rest of my life you are the one I'll love, the only one". The tears spilled from his eyes as he kissed my forehead and I latched onto him, hugging him like the world was withering below us.

"I'm sorry". I whispered. As he held me tighter, my heart glistened before him.

"This doesn't have to change anything". He said, trying to beg me to understand but I couldn't. I couldn't understand how this wouldn't change everything, everything we had ever worked on.