ECSTASY // B.E

f o u r

j e s s i e

"please don't cry, tiny," jordan frowned as he wiped at my tears. "it's okay."

"no, it's not! e-everybody else's parents were there," i sniffled. "mom and dad weren't— they weren't there. it isn't fair! why weren't they there?"

"i don't know. i'm sure they just got busy with work at the hospital, you know how much they have to work," he tried to reason.

"they promised me they would be there!" i cried. "they lied! they lied, and they—" i stopped as i got choked up on a sob. jordan wasted no time in pulling me close to him and holding me tightly.

i shot awake. i cursed quietly as i reached my hands up to rub at my face.

why was i even dreaming about that?

i don't like to think about my parents. throughout my childhood, my parents always stayed working at the hospital instead of spending time with me and jordan, even though they could've quit their job and been perfectly okay.

they're surgeons for fuck's sake.

the dream was actually something that had happened. i was only seven, maybe eight. i had some parade or something at school. of course, everybody else's parents showed up to support them, watch the parade, and whatnot. my parents didn't show up at all, even though they had specifically promised me that they would.

sad thing is, that wasn't even the first or the last time they did some shit like that. they didn't even show up at my fucking graduation.

if i had to choose only one thing for them to actually show up to and be there to support me, it would be my graduation. of course, they couldn't even show up for one damn thing.

that had completely ruined what was supposed to be a good day for me.

just a few months after my graduation, while i was in my freshman year at california institute of arts, they tried to come into my life. they wanted to "be there for me."

i was almost twenty years old at that point; what the fuck is there to be there for anymore?

i finally went off on them that night.

"we want to be there for you, jessie," dad told me softly.

i couldn't help but let out a humorless chuckle. "oh, now you want to be there for me? after almost twenty fucking years?"

"what about when i needed you before? where were you during my entire childhood? where were you at my graduation? where the fuck were you when i tried to overdose?" i looked between them.

"you think i need you?" i narrowed my eyes at them as hot, angry tears welled up in my eyes. mom tried to step forward and grab my hand, but i pulled it away and stepped back from her.

"i got through the lowest points of my life without you. you weren't there when i needed you most. you know what though? i got through it, so why the fuck do you think i need you now?"

"jessie, please—" mom tried again.

"no! you don't get to just waltz into my life as if you've always been in it. that's not how this shit works," i shook my head.

"instead of being actual fucking parents, you left jordan to raise me. i didn't deserve that, and he definitely didn't deserve that shit. that wasn't fair to either of us, and you know it."

"jessie, just calm down, and we can talk this out like adults, okay?" dad held his hand out as he slowly walked towards me.

"have you not been listening?! i don't want you in my life! you missed your chance to be in it, and that's on you," i huffed.

i haven't talked to them since that night. they've tried reaching out a few times, but i've just ignored them.

i mean, how could they seriously think that i would just accept them back into my life as if they hadn't been shitty parents my entire life?

when i tried to overdose, they spent a day with me before they went back to work.

long story.

i was only sixteen at the time. i had hung out with the wrong people. if i would've never met them, i never would've even started vaping.

one night, we went out to this abandoned field. we spray painted some old train.

andre had let me hit his vape. i found out that he had laced it with spice, which understandably, pissed me off. we got into a fight, though it wasn't able to escalate much due to jonah and jaxton pulling us apart.

not long after our fight, a cop showed up. jonah and jaxton had immediately ran off. before i could follow them, andre had pulled me back onto the ground and stomped on my stomach.

i got detained that night. jordan and my parents had to come pick me up. my parents said they were disappointed in me, but i honestly couldn't give a fuck.

but when jordan said he was disappointed in me... i dunno, it just sent me over the edge.

i had taken any pill that i could get my hands on that night. jordan had, thankfully, found me not too long after i had passed out. if he would've been any later, i actually would've died that night.

i don't like pills anymore. i don't care how much pain i'm in, i'm not taking a damn pill.

i reached my hands up to hold my head in my hands. i attempted to take in a few slow, deep breaths. just thinking about all of that shit has me close to a panic attack...

which, let me tell you, is not fun.

when i did steady out my breathing, i grabbed my phone to try and get my mind off of everything. i went to snapchat.

i saw that i had a snap memory. i clicked on it. it was from a year ago, today. it was a picture of me and sophia; she was kissing my cheek, and i had a smile played on my lips as i blushed.

fuck, man.

it's not even six am yet, and today is already off to a bad start.

i clicked through the rest of my snap memories from a year ago. it was just more pictures and videos of me and sophia.

i tossed my phone onto my bed. i reached my hands up, and i pushed the heels of my palms into my eyes as they welled up with tears.

soph had called me this past friday, when i was at the club. i was confused at first, but admittedly, a bit happy that she had called. she then told me that she didn't even mean to call me and that it was an accident.

we ended up talking for ten or so minutes. she told me that she found a few of my hoodies in her apartment. she offered to meet up so that she could give them back, but i told her to just drop them off sometime when i'm not home.

i miss her, but i don't know if i could handle seeing her in person again.

i wiped at my eyes. i laid back down, and i cuddled up with shiloh, who was still sleeping peacefully.

i guess today's just gonna be one of those days where i lay in bed all day and mope around.

<~~~~~>

a/n ayooo

thoughts?

predictions?

words:
1260