For All That It Takes

CHAPTER 18

I stopped walking and looked around. Kagaya sa mga natural na gabi, ay animo'y maayos ang lahat. Na kahit ang nararamdaman ko, kahit iyon ay ayos lang at normal lang.

People passing by the streets, car lights, the sounds of automobile that made the roads ran in clamor, the usual view of the city. Lahat iyon ay animo'y normal at walang dapat na isipin. Malayong-malayo iyon sa kung gaano kagulo ang loob ng isip ko.

Tumingala ako upang tignan ang maliwag na kalangitan. The stars that are shining brightly in the night, it didn't fail to make my eyes moistened with tears. Dahil sa bawat angat ko ng aking ulo upang titigan sila, ay naaalala ko kung ano ang ginawa ko.

Sabihin ko man na may maganda akong intensyon kung bakit ko ginawa iyon, ay alam kong hindi no'n mababago ang katotohanang isa iyon sa mga pagkakamali ko. But I wasn't regretting any of it. I didn't regretted that I did it.

Dahil para sa akin... Para sa akin ay iyon ang paraan ko upang ilayo siya sa uri ng buhay na tinatamasa ko. Namin ng mga kapatid ko.

I pressed the doorbell of Kier's unit. Hindi pa man lumilipas ang ilang segundo ay agad nang bumukas ang pinto at iniluwa roon si Kier. His worried face welcomed my eyes. In a sudden, I want to cry again. I want to hug him so that the pain will lessen...

"P-pasensiya ka na at nagtagal ako sa bahay ni Harold—" he pulled me into a hug.

I suddenly felt the warmth of his body embracing my system. My tears instantly fell from my eyes when I felt the refuge coming from him.

I leaned on his chest and enveloped my arms around his body. I hugged him tightly as my tears continuously flowing down across my face. I was stopping myself not to cry soundly but my sobs did betrayed me.

"What happened? Hmmm?" Kier's soothing voice made my heart cries.

I didn't speak. I was just embracing him so tight when I felt him caressing my hair. Mas lalo lamang nag-unahang tumulo ang aking mga luha sa ginagawa ni Kier.

He was giving me the scent of refuge that I was longing before. Hindi ko alam ngunit mas lalo lamang akong naiiyak dahil sa katotohanang nalalaman ko tungkol sa aking sarili.

I love Kier. I know that I love him...

But I don't know how will I tell him. Gayung hindi ako sigurado kong kaya ko ba ang palayain ang aking sarili mula sa nakaraan ko kay Harold.

"You don't need to give me an answer, Haier. Ang mahalaga sa akin ay bumalik ka..." I nodded my head as I cry on his chest.

Maybe Kier is too much for me. Marahil ang isang kagaya ko ay hindi babagay para sa kanya. Because I am not the woman whom he can scream on. Ngunit mahal ko siya. Maybe the reason that I love him was enough. But I know that it wasn't. It will never be enough.

He has already Amore for him. Siguro nga ay parte lamang ako ng buhay niya na dapat magbigay ligaya sa kanya. But why did he let me fall for him? Why did he made me love him?

Alam ko na minsan ay nasasaktan niya ako. But maybe it was just a part of the consequences for loving him. Mga kapalit dahil minamahal ko siya.

Nang pakiramdam ko ay medyo ayos na ako ay huminga ako ng malalim bago dahan-dahan na umalis mula sa yakap ko sa kanya. Naramdaman kong lumuwag ang mga braso niyang nakapulupot sa akin.

I stared at Kier face to face. I want it to tell him.

"Kier," the moment I called his name, his eyes immediately fixated on me.

Sa uri ng titig niya sa akin ay alam ko na tinitimbang niya ang mga kilos ko. Kaya hindi ko maiwasan ang kabahan dahil sa gusto kong gawin ngayon. But I rather receive his wrath than feeding him with pretentions.

"I had a child," I said.

Naghintay ako sa kung ano ang magiging reaksyon niya sa sinabi ko. Kahit na ang kumurap ay hindi ko ginawa dahil sa kagustuhan kong makita ang gulat at disgusto sa mga mata niya dahil sa akin.

But minutes already passed by, the look on his face didn't even changed at all.

"Kier..." Pagtawag ko sa kanyang pangalan.

I was so nervous because he didn't even showed me any of his reaction. Sa isip ko ay marahil hindi niya pa iyon maproseso ng maayos. That maybe his mind couldn't process the words I said completely. That it didn't sinked on him yet.

"I wasn't a virgin when you touched me for the first time. And I had a child with Harold," I admitted.

Bigla akong napaatras nang bigla siyang yumuko at magpantay ang mga mata namin. I saw how his mouth formed into a gentle smile. Napatitig ako ng mariin sa kanya dahil sa ngiti niyang iyon para sa akin.

Muli kong naramdaman ang pamamasa ng mga mata ko dahil sa ipinapakita niya sa akin. I already had my hopes when I saw him smiled but I still want to be sure.

"B-bakit... Bakit ngumingiti ka?" I asked him despite the loud banging inside my ribcage.

He lifted his hand to touched and pinched my nose. Pinisil niya iyon kaya napaigik ako kahit nararamdaman ko pa rin ang malakas na kabog sa loob ng dibdib ko.

"And so what if you weren't a virgin, Haier? So what if you had a child with that fucker?"

"Kier..."

"It's not because I didn't care, Haier. It's because I saw you more than that."

I understand what he meant. And it made me teared up even more. Realizing how far he looked at me. It made my heart flutter with happiness and joy.

"Being furious and looking at you with disgust, it was me being unreasonable. It was me being jealous thinking that you had slept with other guy rather than me. But, baby... What can I do? What can I do when after being an asshole to you, I still feel empty thinking that you will go home not in my arms? When you are at ease while you are away from me? Habang ako... Habang ako ay kahit ang pumikit ay hindi ko magawa dahil sa isiping yakap ka niya?"

Do I deserve a man like him? Does my worth soar that high for him?

Hindi ko alam ngunit nararamdaman ko ang sakit imbis na ang tuwa matapos kong marinig ang lahat ng iyon mula sa kanya.

"Pero, Kier—" he sealed my lips with a soft kiss to shut me up.

"I wouldn't have gone far if I was too shallow when it comes to you, Haier," aniyang nagpalambot sa puso ko.

Maybe Justine was right. That people who are choosing to caged themselves on a shell are those who are cowards. Na mga duwag dahil takot sa mga posibilidad na maaaring mangyari at magdulot ng sakit sa kanila. But it wasn't Kier. Because it was actually me.

I've been jailing myself on the past so I wouldn't hurt someone that I wanted to treasure. I was refusing to entertain the happiness because of the fear that it wouldn't last long. Because I was too scared that I'll be hurt for the second time.

I was too afraid that I've turned being coward.

"If I am commiting sins since the moment I stepped on that heavenly hell, I just want to keep on creating that kind of sin, Kier."

Despite knowing that he'll be getting married with Amore one of these days, I still want him to be with me. I want myself to be with Kier. Kahit na alam kong kasalan iyon.

But do I really need to think what's right and what's not? When I've been mastering the art of selling my body and soul in order for me to live? Do I still need it? Kung noon pa man ay nagkakasala na ako.

"Dahil baka kapag nakatali ka na, baka sa puntong iyon pa lang ako titigil," ani ko.

Just let me cherish my wrong doings while you are still a man of no one. Because if you become a man for a woman, I will no longer be in your step. Not any once. No... Not in any chance, Kier.