For All That It Takes

CHAPTER 20

Sabay kaming pumasok ni Amore sa loob ng unit ni Kier. I was just walking behind her as my eyes fixated on her back. Hindi ko mapigilan ang mangiti ng mapait dahil sa sitwasyon ko ngayon.

Why did I even go here with her? When I know for sure, I know for sure what will happen next.

But...

I just don't know what to feel exactly. All I know was that, I was feeling jealous. Kahit wala pa man ay nakakaramdam na ako ng selos dahil kay Kier at Amore.

Huminga ako ng malalim at tahimik na sumunod sa likod ni Amore. She held the doorknob of Kier's unit before turning it softly to open. Bumukas iyon at agad na pumasok si Amore. Sumunod pa rin ako ngunit tumigil din nang nasa loob na ako at matanaw si Kier na nakayukong hawak-hawak ang ulo niya. His hair was in a mess. Magulo iyon.

Amore quickly walked towards him. Bagay na siyang nagpatigil sa akin para muli pang gumawa ng kahit isang hakbang.

"What's the matter, Szaji?" Amore asked him worriedly.

Nanatili lamang ang mga mata ko sa kung nasaan sila. I didn't even blink. Nakita ko kung paanong mabilis na mag-angat ng kanyang ulo si Kier at titigan si Amore. Ang nag-aalala niyang mukha ang agad na nahagip ng mga mata kong nakatuon pa rin sa kanila.

I felt my chest tightening with the sight in front of my eyes.

"You're here," he said. Worry was visible on his voice.

Bakit... Bakit parang nasasaktan na naman ako kahit sa simpling kilos na iyon?

"You called me. So I came." It was Amore. She smiled at him gently.

Kier closed his eyes. Ang pagkuyom ng kanyang mga kamao ay nakikita ko nang bumaba ang mga mata ko mula sa mukha niya hanggang sa mga kamay niyang ngayon ay hawak-hawak na si Amore. He held her hands as if she's going somewhere.

Napalunok ako.

Tinitigan ko pa rin sila habang hindi ako nakikita ni Kier.

Amore and I was just few steps away from each other earlier. But he didn't even saw me. He didn't even feel me coming. He didn't even feel my presence.

"I-I was fucking worried with you. I thought... I thought something had happened, babe," it was like that.

Pakiramdam ko ay sinasampal ako ng katotohanang nasa harap ko ngayon. Kier... He never let me see it. He never let me hear that kind of tone he's using right at the moment. I was envious. Totally envious.

"Just a simple fight, Szaji. I didn't get a bruise, you see—"

Kier suddenly hugged her. Napaatras ako.

It was that feeling again. Nararamdaman ko na naman iyon. It was getting painful and painful with seconds passing by. My chest tightened even more looking at him embracing her in worries. I was jealous again. I was envious with her for the countless of times.

I could feel my eyes watered in tears as I stared at him. I know how heavenly it was being caged on his arms. I know what kind of haven it can give leaning on his chest. Because I was there. I felt them then. But now... Not anymore. Because it wasn't me now. It was her this time.

Bigla kong naalala ang kung ano ang sinabi sa akin ni Justine. He was engaged. But how in the hell I fell with a man who's going to be married?

Napangiti ako kasabay ng pagtulo ng isang butil ng luha mula sa aking kaliwang mata.  I was in pain. I was hurting.

By the day that I wanted to tell him how much I love him, he was busy worrying and comforting his first love. He was hugging her to lessen her pain, while I was in too much pain seeing him taking away her worries.

Maybe this feeling inside me right now, it was because I love him. It was the consequences of loving a man who's going to be married. Maybe it was because he has already a woman that he can call his own. His and his alone. Far different from me.

Dahil ako.... I was a woman of anyone. Because I was just a slut. I was a freaking whore.

Kung magiging mababa man ako ay hindi nila alam 'yon. Dahil kahit ang piliting tumayo ng tuwid at panatiling pigil ang mga hikbi sa harap nila, isa iyon sa mga bagay na dahilan ko. Standing there straight and keeping my sob, it was like a torture. It was like killing myself. I felt like, I was commiting suicide.

I wasn't that sensitive when I was with Harold. But with Kier, even the smallest among the smallest reason why I should feel jealous, I can feel them.

Take it easy, Haier. It's okay. It's nothing big. It isn't a big deal.

With my own eyes, I saw how Amore loosened Kier's hugged. I thought she was going to distant herself a bit from him. But I held the hem of my shirt so tight when I saw her kissed him on the lips.

That was it. It was a break for me to take. It was the line I shouldn't cross further.

But I must admit... I still had my hopes. I was still clinging on the idea that he will move her away from him. But that hopes that I had vanished like a wildfire loosing its blaze when my eyes witnessed how he kissed her back vigorously.

It was enough. I don't want to see any more of it. Dahil pakiramdam ko... Pakiramdam ko ay hindi ko na 'yon kakayanin. It was just too much. Too much that I couldn't even take it.

That image... Him caressing her, it drives me nuts. It's making my heart aches imagining what might happen next. And I don't want it. I don't want that kind of show. Maybe... Maybe it was enough. The thing I've seen, maybe it was enough. I don't think I can take it if they go beyond that. It will definitely kill me. I know that it will.

Sa nararamdaman ko ngayon ay doon ko lang naisip kung ano marahil ang nararamdaman ni Kier nang gabing iyon. The night that I decided to sleep with Harold because of my anger that wasn't even right. Ngayon... Ngayon ay alam ko na kung ano ang pakiramdam no'n.

It was hellish.

Dahan-dahan at maingat kong pinihit ang pinto papabukas sa takot na maagaw ko ang atensiyon nilang pareho. Na kahit ang gumawa ng kahit kaunting tunog ay nag-iingat ako. Nang mabuksan ko na iyon ay agad din akong lumabas at patakbong bumaba. I didn't use the elevator and go to the back to take the stairs instead.

Nang nasa hagdan na ako, I stopped. I bit my lower lip and sat down. By that moment, it was when I cried soundly. It was the moment when I let go the pain inside my chest. It was when I cried my heart out for the first time. It was when I broke completely.

Kier... Kier did wrecked me. More than what Harold did.

Maybe even if I stayed there and continue watching them silently, nothing will change. Dahil para sa akin... Para sa akin ay hindi na iyon kailangan. Hearing his explanation—if he will—wouldn't change anything. Even the fact that he's already committed, it has nothing to do with me. It hasn't.

Napatigil ako sa kakatakbo ko nang marinig kong tumunog ang selpon ko. Hilam ang mga luhang sinagot ko ang tawag na iyon. But I almost fell from where I was standing when I heard what Menchie said.

"Ate Haier... Si Kuya Justine, ate. Si Kuya... Wala na..." Rinig ko ang iyak ng bunso namin.

Pakiramdam ko ay biglang nablanko ang utak ko dahil sa narinig ko. I shook my head multiple times. Maybe... Again, maybe I misheard it. Maybe my mind was just clouded with the thought of Kier and Amore that I even heard it mistakenly. But her sobs... Her sobs wouldn't lie.

Nabitawan ko ang selpon ko nang maramdaman kong sumakit ang tiyan ko. Bigla akong napaupo sa semento dahil sa sakit na nararamdaman ko. I didn't know which one should I think first. Kung ang sinabi ba ni Menchie, ang sakit na nararamdaman ko maging sa puso ko, o ang sakit na nararamdaman ko ng pisikal.

I didn't know. But all I know was that, I fell. Ang malamig na semento na yumakap sa likod ko, iyon lang ang alam ko. I didn't know what happened next. Maliban sa malabong bubong na nakikita ko, hindi ko na alam. And seconds with my vision blurry, I felt the cold liquid dripping from my cunt down to my legs. And when I touched to checked it, it was the red color liquid dripping.

I trembled so bad. It was my blood.

And for the second time, I lost my child. I lost him accidentally.

For the first time... For the first time...

I had a miscarriage.