For All That It Takes

CHAPTER 22

"Love, do you still have a plan on going back to the Philippines?"

I quickly turned my head to looked at Harold. I saw him looking at me too. His weighing eyes were piercing at me with curiosity. I sipped on my juice first before answering his question.

"Of course," tipid na sagot ko sa naging tanong niya.

Tumihaya ng upo si Harold sa sun lounger.

"What about him? Do you have any plan?" I looked at Harold again.

Plan? I don't know...

"What plan are you talking about?" Acting like I don't know, I asked.

It's just that, I don't want to think about it first. Tutal naman ay wala pa iyon. Ayaw ko muna ang isipin ang tungkol diyan. Kaya mas mabuti na lang na magtanong ako kay Harold na parang wala rin akong alam.

I stood up and get my see through. Isinampay ko iyon sa balikat ko bago muling humarap kay Harold na nakatingin lang sa akin.

"I'll just go to Gael," ani ko.

Humakbang na ako para lumakad nang magsalita ulit siya.

"Alam mo, Haier, na hindi habang-buhay mong maitatago 'yan sa kanya." Tumigil ako.

I know that. Alam na alam ko na hindi ko maitatago 'yon ng habang-buhay. But I'm scared. The fear of letting him know consumed my being. Isa pa...

"He's married, Harold," I uttered unconsciously.

Tumayo rin si Harold at lumapit sa akin. He made me looked at him. Ang seryoso niyang mukha ay alam ko na kung ano ang gusto niyang gawin ko.

"And what if he isn't, Haier? What will you do?" magkasunod na tanong niya.

Paano nga ba? But it's too impossible. Very impossible.

Wait up...

"Bakit parang mas gusto mo pa ang umuwi ako ng Pilipinas para kitain siya kaysa sa narito kami at kasama mo, Harold?"

Hindi siya umimik sa naging tanong ko.

"I thought you want me. So why are you pushing me to go back there?" batong tanong ko.

Nakita ko kung paano magtagis ang bagang niya sa harap ko. Maybe I just hit the bullseye. Pero totoo naman. He wanted me here the reason why he brought me before so why is he pushing me away?

Siya ang rason kung bakit narito ako—kami. It was his will that brought us here. Dahil kung hindi marahil sa kanya noon ay wala ako rito. Harold was the reason why I have Gael. Kaya paanong gusto niya ang umuwi kami kung sa una pa lang ay dinala niya kami rito dahil mahal niya raw ako.

When the main reason why we are here is us...

"I'd rather bring you back, Haier, than making you stay here with me in worries that you wouldn't see Kier again."

Naglikot ang mga mata ko nang muli kong marinig ang pangalan niyang iyon. Bigla akong nakaramdam ng paninikip ng aking dibdib nang muli kong marinig ang pangalan niyang iyon sa loob ng limang taon.

Many things had changed. Sa loob ng maraming taon na iyon ay marami rin ang maaaring nagbago. Even before... Even before I was just nothing compared to her. Kaya paano na lang ngayon? I wouldn't even dare to compare myself on her again.

Especially when it comes to Kier...

I turned my body against Harold. I don't want him to see me weak everytime he mentioned his name. Because the guilt... It was eating me. The guilt that I couldn't love Harold again after all these years, it was consuming.