For All That It Takes

CHAPTER 10

I was young when I got myself into this kind of shoes. I wasn't even ready on taking care of everything they left me. I raised Justine and Menchie even though I lacked in many things. I didn't get the chance to study because I was stuck with the responsibility I never thought I would have at the very young age.

Inisip ko no'n na kung sanang nakapag-aral lang ako, hindi sana iyon ang trabahong babagsakan ko. I should have get a better life. Hindi sana ako babaing bayaran.

Pakiramdam ko ay pinagkakaisahan ako ng mundo. That even the man who's standing in front of me, sees me as a filthy woman. That I am disgusting.

"K-Kier, naman... H-huwag ka namang ganyan, oh..." I can hear my voice sounds pleading. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ko 'to ginagawa. "Hahayaan mo lang talaga ako kay Harold? Ha, Kier?" I don't want to do it. But he's pushing me. He's pushing me to go and be with Harold.

Ramdam ko ang sakit sa dibdib ko dahil sa sinabi niya sa akin. All of the words he said this day, lahat 'yon ay sinasaktan lang ako.

"Then what do you want me to do, Haier? Stop you? It's fucking bullshits."

"Sabihin mo nga sa akin. Why are you like that, Kier? Huh?"

"Don't fucking ask me why I am like this, Haier. Sarili mo ang tanungin mo."

"Paano ko tatanungin ang sarili ko kung bakit ka ganyan kung wala naman akong alam sa kung ano ba ang nararamdaman mo?!"

"Then fuck off. I fucking told you to fuck off," walang emosyong sabi niya bago ako talikuran.

He opened the door of his unit and went inside. Leaving me there. Standing and looking at his back.

I didn't know what to do. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang uunahin ko. Kung ang kumita ba ng pera o kung ang unahin si Kier. I wanted to go with him inside, but he shut me off by closing his door in front of my face.

Umalis ako sa unit niya at dumiretso paalis doon. Pumara ako ng sasakyan at nagpahatid sa club na pinagtatrabahuan ko. Nang makarating ako roon ay binuksan ko ang selpon ko at nagtipa ng mensahe para kay Harold.

'Where are you? I'm at the club. Sunduin mo ako rito. Let's sleep.'

I sent it directly to Harold.

Alam ko na hindi tama ang gagawin ko. I know myself that I like Kier, but I don't think he is. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang nararamdaman niya. This thing that I wanted to do with Harold, alam kong wala na akong mukha pang maihaharap kay Kier.

Hindi ko na namalayan na nakarating na pala si Harold. He was going out from his car when I noticed that he was there. Napansin kong iba na ang suot niyang damit. Basa na rin ang buhok niya. He probably took a shower before going here.

"Haier," bungad niya sa akin.

Ngumiti ako ng tipid sa harapan niya. Harold stared at me.

"Can I go with you? Just for tonight," ani ko.

Tinitigan muna ako ni Harold na animo'y tinatansiya ako base sa mga salitang binitawan ko ngayon-ngayon lang.

"What happened, Haier? Did he hurt you?" I smiled again hearing him asking me that.

The way Harold asked me if Kier hurts me, it seems like he didn't. Na siya mismo sa sarili niya ay hindi ako sinaktan.

I just shook my head as a disapproval for what he just said.

"Sasama ka ba talaga—no I mean, do you really want to sleep with me?" Should I answer him no? Or should I say yes?

I don't really want to do it. Sa totoo lang. Pero wala na akong pakialam. Kier already let me. Kaya ano pa ba ang dapat kong hindian? It's not as if I am a fucking virgin. Laspag na ako.