Meant to be?

Apologies

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Hope you enjoy!!!

Tw:
-references to disassociation
-high amounts of stress

Please do not hesitate to let me know if there are any other triggering events in this chapter.

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Karl POV

"Hey, hey, it's going to be ok bub. I promise."

"But I-I-"

"No buts, it's ok, take it one step at a time, you're alright."

"I know but he-"

"Sap, calm down, if you're so hung up on it, you can apologize later. But it wasn't your fault, you know that, right?" We're in our room--well, technically it's Sapnap's room, but I don't really ever sleep in mine--and as beautiful as Sap is, I absolutely cannot deal with him blaming himself for everything. 

"Yes, it was! Karl, you don't understand, I triggered him! He hadn't even been here a whole day. He must hate me! I would... I do."

"Don't say that! I love you, and it pains me to hear you talk bad about yourself. Also, I bet he doesn't hate you, I bet he'll forgive you. He might need a bit of time to come to terms with it, but I'm sure you're happy to give him that, right?"

He nods his head eagerly, and I can't stand knowing the level of desperation he feels, the need to console Alex on something that wasn't even his fault. All he wants is to please others, he's so selfless, yet he doesn't even care about himself. He's so amazing, and I don't understand how he can't see that. I love him so much, but I can't help but think I'm not enough for him, that he needs more love in his life to keep him on the right track, and to make sure he takes care of himself.

It took him a while to calm down after that, but Sapnap fell asleep after we had been lying down only a few minutes. So I do what any person with a significant other would do (lol not me) and run my fingers through his hair, slowly and gently as I admire my beautiful boyfriend. He looks so peaceful, like he couldn't have a care in the world, like all of his wonderful energy has been put on hold and been replaced with an angelic calm. Like he no longer feels remorse for things that aren't his fault, like he is finally at peace with himself, like he can truly see in the mirror what I am privileged to see every day.

A knocking at the door interrupts my loving stare, and as annoying as that is, I couldn't lay here forever, and I definitely shouldn't watch Sapnap sleep for however long he plans on doing so. "Coming!" I whisper-shout back to the person in an attempt to not disturb my boyfriend's rest. I hop off of the bed, and tip-toe-sprint over to the door, not wanting to keep the visitor waiting, or wake Sleeping Beauty. As soon as the door is open, the boy starts ranting, and he isn't even looking at me, he's staring at the floor. And honestly, I'm not even sure he knows it's me he's talking to.

"Hey, um I just wanted to apologize to you guys for uh- the scene earlier. I never really got to introduce myself fully and properly, so can we just- you know, start over?" The boy, Alex, questions nervously, finally looking up at me. Alex is obviously caught off guard finding me in the doorway, but he tries to mask it, and play the whole thing off like he knew it was me the whole time. My smile softens a bit, and I can't help the fuzzy feeling seeping into my chest--he's not unlike a small animal, a kitten or a puppy maybe, and I am filled with the need to protect our new roommate with whatever it takes.

"Of course." I walk over to Sap, deciding that he probably needs to get up soon anyway, his sleep schedule is shit enough as-is, without napping involved. I shake his shoulder slowly, and softly with one hand, while running other through his silky hair. "Hey, it's time to get uuuuuuup!" I murmur in a soft, and drawn-out way to him, hoping he'll make this easy.

"Nooooooooooo! I don't wannaaaa." It would be embarrassing, the way he whines like a two year old, that is, if his mental age wasn't only double that on a good day.

"But you gottaaaa." I whine back at him, mockingly.

"Hmph."

"Come on, let's go." I pull him out of bed by his left arm, ignoring the indignant huffs and protests. Eventually, I successfully get him up, and he made a much smaller scene than expected. I walk back into the door frame, dragging with me a very lazy Sapnap.

"Um- I didn't know you were asleep. I- I'm sorry, I can come back later if that would be-" Alex rushes immediately, as if rehearsed in his head during the whole 'waking up an adult who is actually a literal toddler' thing. 

"No, no, no, you're good. I've actually been wanting to *insert yawning noises here 🥱🥱🥱🥱🥱🥱🥱🥱🥱🥱🥱* (Anyone else TIRED of being lonely? Hahaha... ha) talk to you anyway." I watch, extremely amused, as Sap tries to straighten up in a seconds' notice and compose himself for the unexpected company.

"Oh? What about?"

"Just- uh to apologize for earlier, 'cause of the-"

"You're not serious, right?"

"What do you mean?"

"I- because that why I came here. To apologize."

Sapnap scoffs in a joking manor, obviously oblivious to the fact that Alex isn't joking.

"I'm serious. You have nothing to apologize for" I grin at the beginning to his sentence, and nudge Sapnap's side nonchalantly, discretely telling him I was right. "I'm the one who freaked out over literally nothing. You didn't say anything, or-or do anything wrong. I just- I don't really know why that was so..."

"Intense?" I offer, when he seems to get a bit lost.

"Yeah, intense." (Lol I was about to type yea bc/ that's how I spell it normally. Why? I don't- I don't really know)

"I still don't get why you are the one apologizing, I'm the one who fucked up, I'm the one who put everyone in that situation, I'm the one who triggered you, all because I can't control my fucking mouth!"

"Hey, hey. Sap, it's not your fault, I keep telling you this, you didn't know any of that was going to happen."

"I can't do it." He mumbles back in a small whisper, which is barely audible.

"Cant do what bub?" I ask softly.

"Us, this, anything!" 
———

Gods, the commentary, no matter how little, in this chapter from last year pains me so deeply that I couldn't bear to delete most of it.