truth

the fight

She loves me... Holy crap. This girl sitting in front of me, beautiful eyes looking down at my hands. I just landed the most beautiful girl in the world... She looks so serious, trying to fix me up. It's cute, the way she takes care of me, it feels like she'll always be the one to fix me up.

"stop staring at me, I feel bad for adding on to your pain, and that face isn't helping." she said with a begging, yet happy smile. Her eyes were soft, but I could still see james's words swimming through her head.
Dammit.

He will never get the chance to do that again. I will love her so much, and take such good care of her, she won't even remember his name.

But that secret smile.
It was that smile she'd had when she saw me in bed. It was cute. Like she was guilty of looking and liking what she saw. She looked like she was hiding the truth from an angel, she'd fallen in love with a demon, and couldn't climb out. Like she was keeping a secret that she wanted to blurt out.

I have a secret to... My knuckles won't stay pretty for long, cuz all I can think about is the noise James's face is gonna make when it meets them. I know she doesn't want me to cause problems, but she shouldn't have told me what he said. He was so much worse than just calling her "unlovable." It got to the point where he could say anything, and she wouldn't fight back. It wasn't easy for her to fet walked on. To be disrespected. He must have really scared her... And that pisses me off even more.

He is just a vile, evil, selfish, stupid, coward who hit the girl I wanted.
Idiot.

Messing with my things made me angry, not that I owned her.
She wasn't like most girls, who begged for someone to rule them and take care of them...

She was independent, strong, stubborn, and selfless.
If you tried to help her, she'd ignore you. She hated feeling less than adequate after her parents left, and james didn't help.
What james didn't understand,was she isn't a thing to be tamed, but a catalyst to mania.
She embodied chaos, and I wanted to dive in to her crazy.
James wanted to steal it. He wanted to steal her Muchiness, and I'd me damned if I'd let him off for trying to ruin the one girl I could see raising my kids, walking down the aisle to me, sleeping with me every night, waking me every morning, and loving me no matter what.
He tried to take my happiness away, and tame my future... For this, he deserves to die.

But that wouldn't make her happy...
That would just make her angry, and she would blame herself... I can't do that to her. Ever.

"How'd I get so lucky?" I wondered, looking at her soft face as it twisted into a smile again.

Apparently I accidentally said that out loud... Wow.

"Unless you'd like to make any other cheesy and incorrect, I'd suggest you shhh." she giggled, kissing my chin before she took my right hand again.

That one hurt the worst, and she had no mercy.
Okay, that's a lie... But it felt like the truth, considering the insane intensity surrounding my first and middle knuckes.

"Sorry love, but I have to do something, and you're not gonna like it."
She whispered, grabbing a pair of tweezers and shining the table lamp even closer to my hand.
I could feel the heat, getting warmer over my bloodied fist.

She kissed me, smiling a pitiful smile before looking down.

Up until now, I'd avoided looking at my hand. Big mistake.
I had ten shards of glass in my knuckles, the biggest of which she saved for last.

Each time she pulled one out, I'd grab her arm, trying not to squeeze to hard. She was my rock, I couldn't scream in front of her.

Each one felt a bit worse, my hand starting to feel more and more ache by the minute.
I think this woman is trying to kill me at this point. It hurts like a million red hot bee stings, and we're both sure I probably should get stitches, but that isn't how she's gonna spend her day.

"Go home, babe. You need sleep. I'll call nick to drive me, and I'll see you later... When are you free, babe?" I asked, trying to play it off like I wouldn't die if she couldn't see me tonight.

"any time you need me, babe." she smiled, kissing me softly.
She had wrapped my hands, and the pain had gotten easier to deal with.
I picked her up and set her on the couch, kissing her harder until finally she pushed me off.
Not hard, but enough to tell me she didn't want things to go to far.

Another reason I love her? She always said no. She never denied she wanted to do more, but she kept her mind on giving it all to the one man who finally put a ring on her finger.

Hopefully, she wants that to be me.

"slow down, mr. You need to go get that stiched up. I'll drive you, if you want? Unless you're tired of me..." she joked, walking over and wrapping her arms around me, her eyes begging me to kiss her.

"woman, you're killing me, and you don't even know it." I whispered, kissing her again.

"I just need some time with nick, okay? Tonight, I'll make you're favorite dinner, and we'll cuddle up as long as you want, promise." I said, trying not to let her see me sweat.

"hmmm... Okay, but you'd better mean it, cuz nobody likes a tease!" she giggled into my still bare body.

She kissed my chest, hugging me tightly before letting go, and walking out.

I watched her the whole time, wishing I'd stayed... Maybe then, she wouldn't have those scars.
Not the kind you can see with your eyes, the kind you feel when you hug her and she flinches, or you kiss her and feel her tense when you touch her.

Those scars will never go away, but I can help them feel better. I can't fix the hurt, but I can try.
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Two hours, 17 stiches, and a laughing fit because nick couldn't believe I was this stupid, later, he was driving me to James's house... Here we go.

I got out of the car, giving nick a sideways glance before walking up to the door.

My nerves had started out as a rush of worry and fear, but somewhere between the hospital and here, the pain pills kicked in, and I was fully ready... Here we go.

*Bang bang*

I knocked on the door, and couldn't feel a thing in my hands. Perfect.

A random girl in nothing but a tshirt answered the door, followed by a drunk jason, laughing about something she'd said...
I didn't catch what it was, because by the time jason realized who I was, he was already on the floor, almost knocked out.

I fell on top of him, and hit him until my hands suddenly started stinging, a screaming pain shooting through my knuckles.

Perfect, my damn stitches split.
"next time you think about hitting a woman, or anyone for that matter, remember how easily I took you out. There will always be some one bigger and better, and if you ever, ever think of touching her again, you're gonna learn how I feel aboit wife beaters."
I said, sounding much clearer minded than I felt.

I walked away, turning left, towards Charlotte's house.

Why don't I feel better?