truth

escape

"She said no.

I was stupid for asking, I knew her rules. No sex, drugs, or rock and roll till marriage.

And somehow that meant she can't stay with me until I put her in a white dress... Bummer.

I set myself up for this... I just wish she knew how badly I wanted to marry her.
But I can't marry her yet. For so many reasons. We've been together a month, she just turned 18, she hasn't lived yet, she just got out of an abusive relationship... So many reasons.

I scared her. She heard me ask, went spacey for about 10 minutes, and then said she had to go... That was almost 3 hours ago with no texts or calls... I'm worried.

She just ran out, drove off... This isn't like her. It's her birthday and she's running from me. James screwed her up... That jerk made her scared of commitment, screwing my relationship. I hate him sooooo much.

I'd better text her... Again.

"hey babe... I'm sorry. I know springing that on you was a dumb thing to do, please just text me so I know that you're okay?"

Sound needy? Maybe. But she is my rock, and I'm worried about her. I need her to be okay.

My phone went off, making me jump.
AAAANNNNDDD... Not her.
As a matter of fact, I have no idea who this is.

"hey, idk who u r, but lottie is here, and she's not too happy. As a matter of fact, she's crying and you're the number marked "baby" and since she's not with you, obviously you're probably the problem here. So, my suggestion, get your ass in check and figure out how to make her feel better.
-Lucas"

Who the hell is Lucas and why is my girlfriend there instead of with me, talking????

Breath, shane, I'm sure she's just with a friend. It doesn't mean she wants someone else. It means she needs a place to escape to, and frankly, so do I...
The one place I want to escape to besides to her side is to the bar... And that didn't end well last time.

Maybe the gym would work better?
Yes... Deffinately.

"tell her I said I love her so much... Please, ask her to text me or, if she wants to talk to me in person, tell her I'll be at the gym until around six... After that, I'm gonna be home. Thanks for taking care of her."

I need to hit something or else I might just end up hunting this "lucas" guy down and beating him senseless.

... Okay, so obviously I have a bit of an anger problem, but I'm not like my dad... Or James... I'll never be like him. Ever.

My dad... He didn't hit me. Instead, he pretended I didn't exist. He only talked to me when he told me how worthless I was or how much he wished he'd had a better son...

When I was little, I thought all dad's were like that, Cruel and hateful and abusive in so many ways... I never wanted to be like that... I just really never wanted to be a dad. I don't know anymore.

But she makes me a better person.
She makes me want to be better.
Some day, I'll show her how much I love her.

With her help, I think I could be a dad... A good dad. Understanding, loving, kind, gentle, patient, and playful... I would never hit my child in anger and I would only yell when he truly needed it. I would be the best dad, with her at my side.

But I may have screwed everything up. She's skittish. Commitment wasn't easy for me. I can't imagine how she must feel...

...I've gotta go. I'm done. If I stay here I'm just gonna worry and when I worry she's the one who calms me down and she's with Lucas and that just makes me crazy and now not only am I talking to myself, but I'm ranting... Psycho?