Helpless

Hurt

I looked at the clock, only half an hour had passed by. And there was still no sign of Jen's dad. My anxiety was growing by the minute. Lin-Manuel and Sean were away, talking to the private investigators. I was grateful that they were taking over. There truly were no words. I couldn't form any coherent sentences. Everything seemed to be going by in slow motion. As if time had frozen over.

The longer, I stayed in Jen's room, the more anxious I got. The heartache I was experiencing was deafening. As if I couldn't hear the people around me. As if I was slowly sinking.

I kept in touch with Christi and my kids. They were concerned for me. I didn't blame them. They knew that I was in love and Christi made sure to assure them both that Jen had been good to me. That she was amazing. That she had kept me sober. That she made me happy. That my smile was genuine again. That I was the best version of myself. And now...

The tears wouldn't stop streaming down my face. I need something to make this feeling go away.

I walked out of the bedroom and into the long hall leading to the kitchen. I wasn't sure what I was looking for. Maybe water. I felt dehydrated. Right when I was about to grab the water, I noticed the bar. I hesitated for a second.

Maybe there's something in there that will help me stop feeling.

I walked into the bar and noticed they had bottles of all kinds of alcohol. Wine, rum, tequila. I held one of the bottles of tequila and inspected it.

Alright, buddy. It's just you and me now. Help me. Please.

I opened it up and took sip of it. It was strong as hell. But just what I needed. I no longer cared. I needed help.

Flashes of images and memories of Jen, played in my mind. I drank some more. And more. Suddenly, the pain wasn't as bad anymore. It worked. I was numbing myself. I sat down in one of the stools and continued to drink.

You promised you wouldn't leave me.

My eyes were clouded again with tears. She had left me. She was gone. And I would never see her again.

Jen's head was on top of my chest. Her fingers roamed across my chest. Nothing In the world mattered when she was with me. Her touch was all I needed to feel whole.

"I love you," she whispered.

"I love you, too," I smiled. "Whatever I had to go through in life, it was all worth it. Because it led me to you."

She propped her head up and looked at me. "Don't say that. You didn't deserve what you went through."

"No," I smiled, caressing her cheek. "But it made me stronger. And the universe brought me to you. I've never been this happy in my life. I've never felt so fulfilled. So, in love. So, inspired. It's as if you have breathed life into me. And injected me with the most pure and magical love I've ever known."

"You should be a writer," she joked. We both laughed. I took her hand and kissed it.

"I remember when I first met you," she smiled. "I was so nervous. I had the biggest crush on you."

I chuckled.

"And then you kept looking at me," she continued. "I had to excuse myself because you made me so nervous. I had to regain my composure."

"Really?" I asked.

"Yes," she smiled.

"Well, I did have a crush on you the minute I laid eyes on you. You were like a magnet. I couldn't keep my eyes off you."

She giggled.

"You're stuck with me, now."

"I want to be," I smiled. "I'm yours. Until my last dying breath."

"Jen," I sniffed.

I sat there, crying and drinking until I couldn't take it anymore. Where is everyone?

I made my way back down the hall. And heard voices. It was Lin-Manuel and Sean. I walked into the office, where they were seating talking to two older men. They must be the investigators.

"We'll get right into it, then," one of them responded with a nod.

"Get right into what?" I asked.

Everyone turned around and looked at me. Sean immediately got up from his seat and walked towards me. "You okay, Boss?"

"How can you get right into it, when Jen is gone?" I sniffed. "She's gone."

"Boss," Sean tried to interfere.

Lin-Manuel sat up and walked towards me. "Johnny," he began. "don't say that."

"Don't say what? That someone fucking killed her?"

"You're drunk," Lin-Manuel said, shaking his head in disappointment.

"Drunk? No," I slurred. "I'm bracing myself for the pain that's coming as soon as Jen's dad walks through that door. I am making sure that the blow won't be as hard this time around."

"Boss, please," Sean said, placing his hand on my shoulder.

"I have to numb myself," I continued. "I've been through a lot. And I survived everything. Public humiliation, invasion of my privacy, cancellation. People lying on me. But this...I won't be able to handle it. I won't survive it."

"Johnny," Lin-Manuel pleaded with tears in his eyes. "Please."

"If she's gone, I want to go with her."

Lin-Manuel immediately pulled me into a hug and cried along with me. We stayed in each other's embrace for a while. I wasn't strong enough for this. Pain was consuming me alive. Minute by minute.

I heard voices coming into the office. Lin-Manuel pulled away and gave my shoulder a squeeze, but it wasn't comforting. We were both trying to stop our tears.

"Johnny, mijo," I heard Jen's grandfather from behind me. I turned around and looked at him. He was as broken as we were. "Don't drink, mijo. It's not good for you."

"I have to numb myself," I responded, wiping tears away.

"My heart is telling me she will come back," he continued. "Trust me."

"I wish I could," I whispered. I didn't have their faith. My heart was shattered.

"Sir," I heard one of the workers call out. "They're back."

Jen's dad was back. This was it. The moment of truth. Was I strong enough to hear him tell us Jen was no longer with us? Would I break completely in front of everyone?

We all walked into the living room just as Jen's dad was walking in. Sean and Lin-Manuel were standing right next to me. Almost ready to catch me.

"It wasn't Jennifer," Jen's dad cried. "It wasn't her body. She's out there somewhere. She's still alive."

I imagined myself breathing a sigh of relief. But to my shock, I let out a loud sob. I sobbed openly in front of everyone. I felt Lin-Manuel pull me into another hug. We both cried. We were relieved. Jen wasn't completely gone. She was out there somewhere. All we had to do was find her.

"It's gonna be okay, Boss," Sean said in between tears. "We're gonna find her."