Helpless

If I Knew

I refused to leave Jen's side. Everyone tried to convince me to go out and take a walk to clear my head. Or to grab something to eat. But I wasn't interested. I wanted to be the first person she saw when she woke up.

I pulled a chair and sat right next to her. I held on to her hand. Her hand seemed smaller than before. She had lost weight. I was afraid to hold on to her hand too tight, in fear that she may be in pain. So, I gently stroke her hand. She was laying in bed completely immobile. Her face completely bruised. Her black eye completely swollen. There were traces of bruises all over her arms and around her neck.

"I love you," I whispered. I brought her hand to my lips and kissed it.

"I wasn't expecting anyone in here," I heard a voice call out. I looked up and saw the doctor walk in with what seemed like a file.

"I didn't want to leave her alone," I responded with a sad smile.

"Understandable," he nodded. "I just wanted to come in and check to see if all the tests that were needed were completed." He opened the file and looked through it briefly. "Seems like it. Everything from the MRI's to the rape kit. We are good to go."

I froze. Rape kit?

"Rape kit?" I heard myself asking.

The doctor looked at me with what seemed to be a compassionate look. He nodded and sighed. "Yes, rape kit. Your girlfriend was raped, and we needed the rape kit to turn over to the police."

This was too much. I knew she had been abused and tortured but her being raped never crossed my mind. I felt rage building inside of me. I needed answers. Someone had to tell me what the hell had happened to Jen. And why.

"Did she tell you she was raped?" I asked. I felt the tears beginning to form in my eyes. But I didn't care. Nothing mattered except Jen.

"She didn't have to," the doctor responded. "The investigators told us as she was being rushed in. Jennifer later confirmed it."

I nodded and looked down. I swallowed hard and ran a hand through my hair as I walked towards the window. I was trying hard to contain my anger, a battle I was losing.

"Johnny?" I heard Lin-Manuel's voice. I closed my eyes and let the tears fall down my face before wiping them away.

"What's going on?" He asked.

I turned around to face him. Lin-Manuel and Sean were standing there alongside the doctor who seemed uncomfortable.

"Jen was raped," I answered. "The doctor told me a rape kit was performed before she was sedated."

Lin-Manuel looked as if he was about to pass out. Sean looked as pissed off as I was.

"I want to know who the fuck did this," I almost threatened. "Who do we talk to? I want answers. Right now."

"Boss," Sean interjected. "Maybe we should talk about this in the waiting room. In case she wakes up."

He was right. The last thing I wanted was for Jen to wake up and see me in the condition I was in. I nodded and walked out, with them following behind.

"Who do we talk to?" I asked again.

"The investigators," Sean responded.

"Call them up," I said, running a hand through my hair. I needed to calm down. I knew that. But I just couldn't.

"I'm glad Jen's parents are not here," Lin-Manuel said running his hands down his face. "I am not even sure if they know. This is gonna break them."

I didn't respond. I couldn't. All I could do was nod and hoped that we had answers soon.

Sean walked towards us. The look in his face told me that I was not going to like whatever he was about to say next.

"What did they say?" I asked. "Do they have names?"

"Yeah," he nodded. "It's not good."

"Do we know the people that did this to Jen?" Lin-Manuel asked.

"Yes," Sean nodded. "It was Alex and a couple of men he hired from the city."

The rage that I had been fighting to contain, all blew up in a second the minute I heard that bastard's name. I saw red. I turned around and punched the wall in anger. Hard. Forgetting the fact that the wall was made from bricks. Instantly, I felt a numbness around my hand.

"Johnny!" Lin-Manuel yelled out before grabbing me from behind. "Stop it!"

"Fuck him," I almost spat out in anger. "I want his head. If they don't keep his fucking ass in prison, I will kill him with my own hands."

Both Lin-Manuel and Sean tried holding me down. I wanted to take out my frustration on that whole waiting room. I wanted to destroy it. Destroy it just like that motherfucker had destroyed Jen. How he had destroyed my fucking life. He had promised me he was going to have her whenever he wanted. Never imagining that fucker was as sinister as Satan himself. But if I ever came face to face with him. I would murder him.

"Boss, you need medical attention," Sean interrupted my thoughts.

I looked down at my hand and saw the condition I had left it in. It was completely covered in my own blood.

"Let me get a nurse," Lin-Manuel said walking away and into the hall.

"Fuck him," I muttered. "He's a dead man."

"Boss," Sean pleaded. "They have him in custody. He's gonna be locked away."

"He better be," I responded. "I want him locked away for life."

Seconds later, Lin-Manuel rushed in with a nurse who gasped when she saw my hand. They walked me into another private room to treat my hand. They had to numb it before cleaning it up. And then covering it in bandages to keep me from moving it.

They may have given me a relaxer because I felt somewhat lightheaded. But I refused to leave. Both Lin-Manuel and Sean tried their hardest to convince me to go home and rest. But I refused. I was going to be there for Jen the moment she opened her eyes.

I walked back into Jen's room and sat next to her. This world was a cruel motherfucker. She didn't deserve the nightmare that she had gone through. Hell, I didn't deserve what I was going through. The woman that I loved had been raped and tortured and I hadn't been there for her. Why did life insist on making me miserable? I wish I had faith. But I didn't. The only faith or religion I ever needed was love.

I grabbed her hand again and kissed it.

"I'm gonna take care of you," I whispered. "I promise. I'm gonna sing you to sleep. I'm gonna be the first person you see every night and the first person you see every morning. I will never leave you again. Not for one second."

I looked down and closed my eyes for a few seconds. Trying to shake off the relaxer. Trying to shake off the feelings. I just wanted to be numb.

"Johnny?"

I looked up and saw Jen looking down at me.

"Baby," I said getting up to get closer to her. I felt tears streaming down my face once again. "You're safe, now."

Her lip began to quiver. "Don't cry," I whispered kissing her forehead. "It's gonna be okay."

She was now full-on sobbing. My heart broke. I cupped her bruised face with my hands and placed my forehead with hers. Trying to comfort her. We were both crying.

"Mr. Depp," I heard the doctor call out. "We need to check her vital signs."

I reluctantly pulled away before kissing her forehead again. "It's okay," I whispered.

"Do you want me to step outside?" I asked.

"If you don't mind," he nodded with a sad smile.

I nodded. I was about to walk out when I felt Jen grab my hand. "No, please don't leave me."

I looked at her and then at the doctor. Who nodded, "It's okay, you can stay."