Helpless

It's Over

"I can't do this," he said looking down for a second and then looking back at me. "Whatever is happening between us...it can't happen. We have to end this."

I felt as if the wind was knocked right out of me. What was he doing? Why was he saying this? What had happened? My mind was going at a million miles per second, and I couldn't make sense of any of it.

"Why?" I finally asked.

He looked at me. There was sadness in his eyes. He didn't say anything for a while. He just kept staring at me.

"Why, Johnny?" I asked again. "What is going on?"

"I can't..." he started, shaking his head. "I can't be in a relationship. I can't be in a committed relationship. I'm too broken. I would only hurt you in the long run. I can't do that to you."

My heart was breaking with every word he was saying. I wanted to reach out to him and assure him that we could work it all out. That our relationship could and would survive the obstacles thrown at us. But I also knew that we had never been exclusive. He had never asked me to be his girlfriend, officially. I was beginning to see why.

"So, you're going to stand there and decide for both of us," I responded.
He looked at me with a surprised look in his eyes. I knew this wasn't the answer he expected. But I didn't care. I was hurt and being rational was not something I was going for.

"Jen," he began.

"No, Johnny," I stopped him. "You decided for both of us that it was best for whatever it is that we had, to end. Whatever it was." I emphasized that last sentence. Because that part had hurt. Maybe he hadn't felt what I had felt whenever we had kissed. Or whenever we couldn't keep our hands off each other. I knew what I felt. And it wasn't just a casual thing. I never considered it a fling. Maybe he had? I wasn't sure. But it hurt.

"That's not what I meant," he quickly responded.

"But you're right about one thing," I said looking down, trying hard not to let my emotions show. A battle I was losing as I felt the tears forming in my eyes. I looked up and said, "we were never exclusive. I was never your girlfriend. There was no relationship. Just make out sessions."

I locked eyes with him and noticed that he too was fighting back tears. "Please don't say that" he finally responded.

"It actually makes me respect you even more," I continued. "You were man enough to end everything before committing to a relationship. And that's admirable. And I mean that."

He was breaking and I knew it. I looked down, not bearing to look him in the eye. I couldn't. I was breaking too.

"No worries, though," I continued. "I promise this won't affect our professional relationship." I finally looked at him and saw that a tear was on the brink of falling down his cheek. But I continued, "I'll see you around. Good luck on the set today."

And quickly ran out of his trailer and into mine. The tears were now falling down my cheeks openly. I began to sob loudly, and I couldn't stop. My heart was completely shattered. I had fallen completely in love with Johnny. Yes, I had fallen in love with Johnny. I had promised myself that I would never be in the position I was in now. And here I was. Sobbing over a man that had just broken my heart. And worse, I had to continue to have a professional relationship with. But how?

I then heard a knock on the door. But I decided to ignore it. I still had over an hour before I was needed on set with Tim. I was not going to open the door. Not now. "Jen?" I heard a familiar voice. It was Daveed. I needed to talk to someone. And Daveed was the perfect man.
I walked over to the door and opened it for him.