Helpless

Heaven Couldn't Wait

I landed in New York later that night. I felt like was on autopilot. I hadn't been able to fully rest. But I also knew that I couldn't stay at home. Alone. Vanessa had been right, I needed to be surrounded by loved ones.

I would have thought that by now, the tears would have stopped. But it was impossible to contain them. I had shed so many tears, that I wondered how I hadn't completely dehydrated. I wasn't hungry. So, I ate very little.

Dropping off Johnny's things was traumatic. We had shared our first kiss in that house. And although Johnny had practically moved in with me, he kept his house. And I would sometimes stay over at his place when it was too late to drive back home. His house was like his personally museum. There were reminders of everything he loved. Paintings, guitars, pictures...they were everywhere. I had called him my little Picasso once. Because he couldn't sit still.

I loved to watch him paint. He seemed so focused and relaxed. His back muscles were a work of art. His hands were skillful. I loved every inch of him. I walked around his house one more time before having the courage to leave. I knew it would be the last time I would step foot inside his house.

And now, here I was. Away from home. Once again.

"Hey," Lin-Manuel greeted me with a warm smile. He reached out and gave me the biggest hug. I immediately burst out in tears. "It's okay, baby girl." He whispered. "Let it out."

I could hide my feelings from my parents and from the rest of the world. But when it came to Lin-Manuel, I couldn't even fake a smile. He knew me so well.

I pulled away from his embrace and gave him a sad smile. He wiped the tears from my face.

"I brought you a nice cup of coffee," he smiled. "I made it myself."

"Maybe I shouldn't drink it, then," I joked.

He laughed. "And she's still mean."

He walked me over towards his car as we drove away back to his place.

"I just want you to know," Lin-Manuel began, "that I love you. Vanessa loves you. The kids love you. We are gonna take good care of you."

I nodded and looked down at my hands.

"I know this seems like the most tragic thing in the world," he continued. "But maybe you and Johnny just needed a break from each other. I'm sure that one day—"

"No," I cut him off. "We will never get back together."

He looked at me for a second before returning his gaze back towards the road.

"Why do you say that?" he asked.

"Because I was there," I responded. "I saw the look in his eye. The way he spoke to me. The things he said to me. He meant it all. It's over."

"I love Johnny," Lin-Manuel said after a couple of minutes of silence. "But he messed up. And I'm sure he knows that."

"It doesn't matter," I shrugged. "It's over."

We continued to ride in silence until we reached his home. I hadn't been here in over a year. In a way, I was glad to be back.

"Look who's here," Vanessa smiled, looking down at her two sons. "It's Titi."

"Titi!" they both screamed and ran towards me. "We missed you."

"Hi, my little munchkins," I smiled. I kneeled and hugged them both. My babies. I had missed them so much.

"Did you miss us?" Frankie asked.

"Of course, I did," I smiled.

"Are you sad?" Sebastian asked.

"No," I lied. "I'm here with you two. I couldn't possibly be sad."

"But you were crying," Sebastian pointed out. "Your eyes are sad."

"Okay," Vanessa interrupted. "You both need to go to bed. It's late. Say good night to Titi."

"Good night," they both said, giving me a hug.

"Good night," I smiled. "I will play with you two tomorrow. Okay?"

"Okay," Frankie smiled. "But you promised. You can't change your mind like Daddy does."

We all laughed.

Vanessa took them to bed, as Lin-Manuel and I headed to the living room. My discomfort level was extremely high. My stomach was acting up. And it wouldn't stop.

"Are you okay?" Lin-Manuel asked.

"My stomach has been bugging me since I landed," I winced.

"You need to go to the hospital to get that thing removed," Lin-Manuel warned me.

"It can wait," I sighed.

"What can wait?" Vanessa asked, walking into the living room.

"She's having problems with her gallbladder," Lin-Manuel responded. "Her stomach hurts."

"Yeah," Vanessa began. "You need to go to the hospital to get it removed as soon as possible. Lin-Manuel's mom had the same thing, and she is so happy she got it removed. She's a whole different person now. Don't let it affect your liver."

I rolled my eyes. I wasn't in the mood to talk about pending surgeries.

"Anyway," I interrupted them.

"Yeah, okay," Lin-Manuel said shaking his head. "We did order pizza and it's waiting for us in the kitchen. No disrespect to California, but we make the best pizza."

"I thought that was Pizza Hut," I joked.

"Don't start," Lin-Manuel laughed.

We began to eat our pizza as we began to discuss my breakup with Johnny. Occasionally, I would break down in tears. But both Lin-Manuel and Vanessa were understanding enough to let me cry it out. I was thankful I wasn't back home. All alone.

After a while, I got up to use the restroom and to freshen myself up. As soon as I was about to walk back out, a sharp pain in my lower stomach made me double over. I had to grab the sink to support myself. I had never experience pain like that before. I wanted to call out for Vanessa, but I couldn't move.

I tried taking deep breaths, but it would only make it worse. I tried walking out once again, when I felt everything go dark.

When I woke up, I was laying in a hospital bed. What had happened? What was I doing in the hospital? I then remembered the sharp pain I had felt. I must have fainted. They must have removed my gallbladder by now. Or I was about to go in for surgery.

Just then a nurse walked in and walked towards my bed.

"How are you feeling?" she asked.

"I'm okay," I responded. She was checking my file that was placed at the end of my bed.

Where was Lin-Manuel and Vanessa?

"Did I have surgery?" I asked.

The nurse stopped inspecting my file and looked at me. "Why would you need surgery?"

"Because I have gallstones," I responded. I was confused.

"You have a couple of gallstones," she nodded. "But they are not ready to be removed yet."

What? Now I was really confused.

"Then why was I in pain?" I asked.

She looked at me and said nothing for a couple of seconds.
"Ms. Hernandez," she began. "You had a miscarriage. You lost your baby. I'm so sorry."