Mercenaries of the Gods: Chronicle One - Stories

First Drink

Viviparous Fescue. It's one of the bad ass grasses that grows in Ireland and, if you didn't know, the fucking grasses in Ireland are different than the grasses in other places cause they are half conscious and have other magic powers given to them by the urchin fucking, puss shitting, diarrhea drinking Leprechauns, including making grass elementals to aid them in a time of great need like my amazing, smart, funny, beautiful and perfect self! 

So there was this big ass drought in Ireland about a hundred eighty years ago and lots of shit was dying and the grass was suffering and it got all pissed off and this one patch of Viviparous Fescue in the hills of Kerry was extra pissed off and bitchy and that was before the drought so it was really fucking thirsty and fucking crying out for rain cause of the drought but so was all the grass but this grass was super extra mother fucking pissy and one day it was really fucking desperate and cried out 'I need a drink now!' and in that moment my root core manifested in the ground and rose up in the air and sprouted grass all cool like and formed something close to what you see now and as cool as it fucking looks in your head, it looked a hundred-billion fucking times cooler and sexier than that. 

So I was all fucking thirsty and shit so learned how to walk really fast and went to the nearest town looking for a fucking drink cause I needed a drink now and that took a long fucking time cause I didn't know where I was but I finally found a fucking town and all the silly humans were all staring at my amazing cause they didn't see a lot of grass elementals and they all want to fucking talk to me and shit but I only wanted a drink and I didn't really speak common yet and I didn't even know what the fuck those silly ass humans drank and shit so finally I came across this guy leaning up against the back a fucking building and his ass what holding a bottle of something and I tried to ask him for a drink but that didn't fucking work and it was taking fucking forever and finally he passed out and I grabbed his fucking bottle and took a drink and I thought it was water and it wasn't fucking water cause it was some cheap ass whiskey but I didn't know the fucking difference being a few hours old and I kept fucking drinking and hurried back to the kick ass grass that birthed me and I got drunk fast cause it was my first fucking time drinking and I finally got home and kept drinking till I killed the bottle like a boss bitch and I kinda remember laying on my birth grass before I pass the fuck out. 

I woke up when the sun hit me and it felt good even though my head was fucking hurting like Raijin's balls after I kicked the shit out of them with my spiky bamboo foot and I was really, really thirsty and shit but the bottle was empty and I got really pissed off and shit...