Mercenaries of the Gods: Chronicle One - Stories

First Friends

So I just had my first fucking shitty ass hangover but the grass was in much better shape and that made me happy and shit and I was fucking thirsty again so I said goodbye to the grass and headed north-east with the empty bottle and found myself in some fucking old ass forest and it was wonderful and green and shit but I was still thirsty as a mother-fuck and I asked the trees for a drink and they told me about a stream nearby so I walk my amazing over there and take a drink and fucking spit it out. "What the fuck is this shit?" I cry out in my native language and all the dumbass trees get confused and shit cause it's really fucking clean water but I don't like fucking water and I ask them if they know how to get more of that shit the humans drink and they are all fucking confused and I hold up the empty bottle and the stupid ass hats still don't know shit so they told me to see Jesika and I was all like who the fuck is Jesika and they got all fucking pissy and finally told me where I could find her bitch ass and I let out a big ass huff before I set off. 

I wander through the pretty but stupid ass forest for a long fucking time and finally my awesomeness gets to a cool ass place deep in the woods full of big ass oak trees and I mean like super crazy freak ass big oak trees that look like shit elves would jerk it to and there is some light brown chick with leafy hair and green hands standing near one in a long blue shawl and nothing else and I walk up to her sexy ass and say "Hey sexy bitch. You Jesika?" 

"That's what they call my sexy ass and who the fuck wants to know?" she says with the same level of awesomeness as me. 

I pause for a second when I realize my awesome doesn't have a name. "My awesome doesn't have a name yet but the stupid ass trees said you can help me get the drink that the fucking humans drink out of these bottles and not that clear tasteless shit that the moronic trees tried to fucking choke me with?" 

She gives me a dirty fucking look. "You must be a new creation and I think you are looking for alcohol and that clear shit was fucking water you fucking idiot." 

"Did you just fucking call me an idiot you Leprechaun sperm gargler?" I snap to her. 

She smirks before unleashing her awesome all up in my ears. "Well you're grass that doesn't fucking like water so I don't know what else to call you other than maybe something a little better than a sentient pile of giant toe jam or the leftovers of goblins circle jerking on a rotting pig or moldy cheese made from the sour milk of a lactating shit monster." 

I let out a bad ass laugh. "That last one was fucking good so do you mind if use it?" 

"Not at all." she says with a smart-ass smirk. "And I must give you fucking props on the Leprechaun sperm gargler cause that was good for someone as young as you and it's good to see a fucking grass elemental cause all the pussy nymphs around here are so fucking boring and they only talk about trees and mother Gaia and shit and I mean we are all tree spirits but could we just for once not talk about fucking trees and just go and enjoy the sun or a nice rain shower or titty stunning the stupid mortals that wander up in here?" 

He rant is cut off as another sexy ass dryad walks over to us and she is wearing a long pink shawl and she is smiling as she looks at my incredawesome and I'm hoping she is as fucking kick ass a Jesika cause three bad ass bitches is the start of a Gaia-damned army but she disappoints the shit out of me when she fucking talks. "I see we have a new guest hee hee. I am Raquel hee hee. It is such a pleasure to meet you fellow daughter of Gaia hee hee. I hope you find peace and serenity in the arms of mother Gaia on this glorious day hee hee!" 

I stare at Raquel for a moment then turn to Jesika. "I completely understand why you like my amazing now cause hanging out with that one would fucking make me want to make out with a fucking fire elemental just to end the fucking pain." 

The sensitive bitch Raquel gasps as Jesika laughs hard and says "I know right?!" She gives a dirty glance to Raquel. "And she's like this all the fucking time and it makes me beg for something less fucking painful like deepthroating a battle-axe or being the sex toy for a horny hydra!" 

Raquel's eyes get fucking huge. "By Gaia, there is two of them!" The bitch puts on a fake ass smile like she's not trying to be a cunt. "Gaia must of brought you to us to keep Jesika company hee hee." 

"Actually, she's just here for a fucking drink!" Jesika's smart ass says and she starts thinking of another killer insult when another fucking dryad comes up and she has nothing on and a really fucking strange look in her dilated eyes and she walks up to me and fucking pokes and pulls at my face and I am all like what the fuck and Jesika says "That is, ummmmm, Molly and she like the small brown mushrooms under her tree and she likes them a fucking lot." 

Molly starts playing with my cute cheeks, so I fuck with her by changing my face to one that's like hers and she freaks the fuck out and runs behind Raquel and cowers and Raquel sighs and says something that sounds nice but is really a fucking bitch thing to say. "I see you will be fun to have around hehe." 

Jesika looks over to me and fucking saves my ass from the torture of Raquel's voice. "Do you want to get the fuck out of here and go into town and I'll get you some of that drink you are looking for?" 

My eyes sparkle and I grin all cute like. "Absofuckingluetly!" The next years of my life are chill as shit and I get taught useful stuff from Jesika and Raquel and several other dryads in that forest though not too much from Molly's crazy ass and I learn things like how to speak common and shit and how the humans do shit and...