Mercenaries of the Gods: Chronicle One - Stories

The Power of Stubbornness

So I was like thirteen or some shit like that when the fucking horrific Leprechaun Wars started. Now don't mix up the fucking Leprechauns with the Leper Khans cause one are evil disease riddled filth that fucking want nothing more than destruction and to fucking enslave creatures for their benefit and the other ones come from Mongolia. 

 Anyway the fucking Leprechauns ruled Ireland for hundreds of years and they were kinda shitty rulers but mainly cause they didn't fucking do anything other than grant the grasses and shamrocks powers and make shoes but people didn't really fucking care about being ruled by the vile footstools but that all changed one day when there was a major fucking shortage of grain for the beer and shit and you can imagine how crazy the whole fucking country got over that and they couldn't negotiate with any other nations for shit cause they are retarded fucking Leprechauns and don't really have anything other than the gold they fucking hoard so they got really fucking desperate and under the command of King Blarney the dumb fucking douche canoe they started fucking rounding up all the poor grass elementals cause of our super ability to make grass grow all big and shit and most of the other grass elementals were punk bitches and got enslaved and then bread to make more. Now I knew this shit was going on but I didn't really care much cause I still had lots of booze and shit and was all safe with the bad ass dryads till one day they sent some dumb ass fucking humans to come and take me away. 

I notice about thirty of the Leprechaun's moronic fucking puppets coming so I hide in a good fucking place for an ambush and Raquel sees the humans and runs like a bitch back to her tree as Jesika tries to get the rest of the fucking dryads to help but they are all pussy bitches except Molly who is busy talking to a fucking rock about relativity so Jesika's bad and sexy ass waits by her tree greets the pawns. "What the fuck do you mortals want?" 

They spoke in Gaelic which I thought was really fucking strange. "We come for the grass elemental you got living with you. And we know she is here, so don't play dumb. Tell us where she is right now!" 

Jesika rolls her pretty green eyes and huffs. "Why the fuck do you think I would do anything to fucking help you puppets of the Leprechauns? And while I am asking shit, do you like the Leprechauns fists up your fucking ass controlling you? Do they use you to jerk each other off and laugh as they fucking watch you get their rancid jizz out of your fucking eyes and hair?" 

The guards get pissed the fuck off and all pull out their fucking weapons acting all tough like and start shouting. "Enough of your lip dryad! Tell us where she be, or we have the authority to place under arrest!" 

Jesika sighs then she removes her shawl and her sexy ass was completely naked and I think the dumb fucks didn't know or fucking forgot that nymph titties have like a super hypnotic ability on most weak mortal men and shit especially her nice perky ones with perkier nipples and they all stop and stare like they never saw a fucking pair of titties before and I think a few of them were actually fucking drooling and I figured this was my fucking chance to do some killing and popped my amazing out of the ground behind them and I just about to skewer the shit out of them when Jesika stops me and says with a sexy fucking smirk "They entered my sacred woods without fucking permission and made threats to my friend so now I'll make sure they fucking pay so go back to hiding or feel free to watch if you want but try not to get blood and goo on you cause it's going to get fucking messy." 

I chuckle and sink into Gaia enough to hide but still watch the fucking crazy and Jesika goes all crazy green eyed and moves close to her tree and motions one the fucking hypnotized puppets to her sexy ass and then he gets close to her and her huge fucking tree starts to move and that was some freaky shit to see and then one of its big ass limbs that's at least a few feet across swings down and crushes the first fucking guard with a nice crunchy splat or splaty crunch and she call forward the second one and it goes fucking splat and she does this to them one at a time and it gets very fucking splaty and she gets covered in blood and bone bits and each fucker she kills just makes her sexy ass grin more evil.