Mercenaries of the Gods: Chronicle One - Stories

The Blarney Stone

So, as I was saying before Grania had her little fucking freak out, Jorb and I just freed all the nice ass grass elementals and we talked about the kick ass plan and we calculated that the fifty-three of us grass elementals and one mother fucking dragon should take the fort easy and most of the guards should be asleep and shit so now would be time to strike when they have their fucking pantaloons down then suddenly a dumb ass guard pops in the room to check in and pauses all freaked out with his lonely little spear in hand and without a fucking word I sprout my arm into a wicked bamboo spike and skewer him in his throat and I pull it out and he falls down and he slowly fucking dies on the fucking floor while choking on his own blood and all the elementals look at me like the boss bitch I am and Jorb laughs then I say like a bad ass mother fucker "This isn't a fucking peaceful resistance and if have a Gaia-damned problem with doing that to a human then just stay put cause a lot of shit like that is about to go down." 

 I turn and walk out the door with Jorb following closely behind my bad ass and every single grass elemental follows me and that's really fucking good cause I really have no fucking idea what I just got myself into and we march all bad ass like to the fort and two fucking guards see us and Jorb spews a stream of that nasty acid stuff and fucking dissolves them in half really fast and their top halves scream so loud when they fucking fall off their bottom halves. 

Our march continues as my mini army starts slowly chanting Rina over and over and the chant speeds up as we fucking charge at the fort and the human guards all freak out like little bitches and the chants of Rina change into pissed off battle screams and we start our assault and I don't really remember much about it other than we fucking killed about five hundred guards in under seven minutes and Jorb didn't even go full dragon on their asses and dissolved at least thirty of them and there was a metric shitton of bamboo skewering all over the fucking place and we don't kill the lord right away cause the other elementals want to show them why you don't fucking enslave the children of Gaia so they draw and quarter him and that was messy if you have never fucking seen shit like that before then Jorb uses his acid to burn a large Rina into the side of the fort and we stake lords fucking head to the wall to dot the i. 

Jorb and I head into the fort and start ransacking it and shit and that is fun and we gather up the treasure and supplies and I start look for something strong as fuck to drink when Jorb walks up to me. "My curiosity wonders what happens next and what happens treasure inside this and the other lesser forts?" 

I pause for a moment as my awesome needed to plan some shit out. "You can take all the treasure in the forts other than the we need to keep this shit going except the booze cause that is fucking mine." 

His tannin gaze meets mine. "Except for Blarney's castle of course. That treasure is all mine, as per our agreement." 

I let out a chuckle at the greed of the dragon. "Of course that's all fucking yours cause I know not to cross a fucking dragon and I think our next move should be to liberate the fucking town south of here cause it has many humans that are forced to make beer their whole fucking lives and I could use a fucking drink anyway." 

"Very good." Jorb says like a boss as he starts to go through the treasure and I go find a quiet ass corner to sit in and fucking rest a bit and someone finally brings me a few bottles from the cellars and I start to chug some as it fucking dawns on me that I am leading a Gaia-damned rebellion and then Jorb finds a small triquetra knot pendant thing on a silver string that's all enchanted and shit and brings it over to me. "Here. This pendant has powerful protections placed upon it. The power within should protect you from the abilities of those pesky Leprechauns." 

I take it with a smile and I look at him. "You must of got hit on the fucking head Jorb cause you just gave me magical treasure and last I checked you are a bad ass dragon and dragons don't normally part with treasure willingly."