Mercenaries of the Gods: Chronicle One - Stories

The Price of a Drink

So this was like ninety years ago or so and the shit starts with my amazing leaving my home on the isles and heading to the fucking mainland cause I needed a long fucking break after the bloody ass Leprechaun Wars so I packed up my fucking awesomeness and left and made it to the place with all the fucking wine and that was fucking awesome and I was there for a few weeks till they said I had to fucking pay for the wine and I was like what the fuck and they said that was called stealing if I didn't fucking pay and I said that I had no money so they tried to put my amazing in a Gaia-damned jail and shit but I was able to make a deal with them to go take care of some diarrhea douche wizard asshole to the east that was causing some stupid dragon shit and they thought my awesome could fucking help them so they sent me to the east with a pissy ass guard to make sure I didn't bail and shit but his punk ass couldn't handle my incredibleness and left after a few miles so I said fuck it and went to get a fucking drink or twelve. 

I walked for what seemed like forfuckingever and it was really dry and shit and all the plants and crap were dead or dying and Gaia was crying and that made me sad and I hate being fucking sad and I was getting way to fucking thirsty and sober so I was really, really, really fucking pissy when I finally got to a small ass village thingy and everyone was fucking looking at me like they haven't seen a fucking grass elemental before but the humans are at least friendly enough to point me to a small ass pub and I had a few coins I acquired from the pussy ass guard before he fucking bailed like a bitch and the place was dead so they gave me a really good deal on drinks so I was able to get a pony keg for cheap and the shit wasn't very good tasting but it was strong so I got tipsy really fast and after that things get fuzzy. 

I kinda remember grabbing the keg and trying to go for a walk and they said I wasn't supposed to fucking leave the bar with the keg and I told them it was my fucking keg and they need to get violently raped in their limp dicks by the pointy end of Poseidon's trident and I left anyway and I think someone tried to take my fucking keg and I know I whipped someone's ass and I hope it was the person that fucking tried to steal my keg and shit but I can't really remember and ended up in a dusty ass field talking to the poor wheat they were trying to grow in the horrible fucking drought and I finished my keg like a mother fucking champ and then cried over being out of fucking booze even if it tasted like elephant ball sweat then I passed the fuck out. 

Next thing I remember is waking up while all these fucking people standing around me as I groan and grunt and shit. 

"Do you think she's dead?" one said like a dumb ass. 

"She moves, so I hope not." said some old cunt. 

"What the fuck people?" I say and open my cute eyes and its fucking hurts cause it's bright as shit so I close them and try to go back to sleep. "Do you got some stupid law that says I can't pass out in a field with a keg that I bought cause you probably fucking do cause humans always have so fucking many stupid laws and shit!" 

The ass hats don't leave and keep fucking talking so I finally stand and my adorable eyes adjust to the bright ass sun and notice the very good wheat around me has shot up to almost two fucking feet just by the presence of my awesomeness overnight so the people were all freaking out and shit but in a good way and then the mayor douche comes up to me and starts to fucking talk to me waaaayyyy to loud for how bad my head hurt. 

"How is this possible?" he says with a goofy ass look on his face. "You make grass grow just by sleeping in the fields. How?" 

My amazing gives him a pissed off look. "First off can you talk more fucking quiet cause my head is throbbing like the dick of a horny incubus and second my awesome was made just for this cause I drink and shit and talk to the good grass and it feeds off of me and gets all fucking big and strong and shit because I am just that fucking amazing and two more nights or so of drunken sleep and you could harvest this very good wheat."