One Last Shot

[24] A Locked Door

            Iris

CW: THIS CHAPTER DISCUSSES DEPRESSION AND A DEPRESSIVE EPISODE, AS WELL AS RECOUNTS OF AN OVERDOSE SUICIDE ATTEMPT.

Everything is dark. I stare at the books and notes on my desk, but my energy to get up and work on them is nonexistent. My blinds are pulled. I don't know what time it is, it could be 3 A.M. or 5 P.M. for all I care. The room is silent. My preference for background noise ceases when I don't have the energy to put it on. I see an untouched glass of water on my bedside table, next to my phone, which continues to light up.

Marcus: "Please leave your room."

Violet: "I made dinner!"

Ah, so it's dinnertime. Any hunger I may feel is gone, I simply feel like a barely existing human.

After Serafina died, and we attended the painful funeral, I fell into a depression. Lilly still thinks I'm taking my medication, but I'm not. I lost my anxiety medication if I'm being honest, and I've been hiding my anti-depressants under my bed so she thinks the bottle quantity is going down. Whenever she tries to come in to make sure I only take one, I don't let her in.

I have no intention of dying right now. The reaction to my first and only attempt was enough to scare me. Aster, home from college with Alex, walking through the house looking for Jacob's toy, and all I can remember is her scream, before running out of my room. Everything numbed in that moment. Everything felt free. But I wasn't. Even if my family didn't always show it, they cared about me, and once I was rushed to the hospital and conscious again, they put me in treatment. I got "better", but how can one really get better from depression? I got put on medication, and once I got to college my mom asked Lilly to make sure I only took one antidepressant, for fear I'd try to overdose again with no family there to save me. But I was with family. Violet, Marcus, Lilly, they're all my family, and I love them too much to ever put the burden on them to save my life. I also never want to burden them with my depression.

The first time I had a depressive episode in this house, with these roommates, I told them to just leave me be, I'd cycle through it on my own. But today was really bad. I never stop taking my medication. I feel guilty. I should have been there for Serafina, but I wasn't. I was busy being with friends, enjoying the time I had when her's was gone. I felt like a horrible person, and an even worse prodige. She moved here under the assumption I was still playing basketball, I never told her I didn't take the scholarship, and for 3 years, I'd lied to her and told her I was still playing. At least she died thinking of me in the best way she could, despite me not being present in her final months.

Lilly followed what I asked best. She'd known me for the longest, after all, and held my hand through everything my senior year of high school when I tried to overdose. But I could tell even she was getting concerned. Sinking further into the blankets and pillows, I hear a knock at the door.

"Iris..." Her voice is calm, sympathetic, but there are hints of urgency and concern in her voice. "Please come out of your room. The boys' game is starting in less than an hour and we need to leave." I don't respond, instead turning over to face the pulled blinds and complete darkness. I hear her sigh and walk away, before my phone lights up again.

Liam: "I'm sorry about the other day. Are you okay? Haven't seen you around campus much. Kai misses you."

I forgot about him. He seems so forgettable when all you can be is self absorbed, which is what I've turned into. But, he's no different than the rest, and he doesn't know what I'm going through or that I'm going through it, so he's not worth the time today.

I fall asleep again, the third nap of my day, and wake up yet again not feeling refreshed, but in fact worse. I deserve it though, feeling gross and shitty, and I have no energy to change that. It's probably been a few hours, everyone is at the guys' game, they're probably winning, nobody will notice I'm not there. I look over at my phone, and I see three missed calls from Lilly, four texts from Violet, and a voicemail from Liam. I don't bother to check. My feet are cold. I shove them further under the blanket, but that isn't good enough. I crawl out of bed, for the first time in 48 hours, and tug fluffy socks on, before sulking back in. I'm hungry, starving in fact, but looking at my door, locked shut, the effort to unlock it and turn the knob is daunting. I slide back into bed, where I clutch the covers tight.