Tonight is the night we die

Chapter Thirty-Nine

JAKE'S POV

" They will ask Jessy where she got the drugs and she will say it's coming from you, once they are behind your ass Phil, I'm dead ! "

" No, I won't tell them anything, they'll give up and go look into somebody else, or I'll give someone's name, you are freaking out for nothing, Dan ! "

The two of them don't stop fighting over and over again since we are back at the cabin. I am not fond of Phil and this situation is not helping me to like him more, on top of that I have to deal with his presence now. They pace around the living room while I'm sitting on the couch, my right leg crossed on my left one and my foot bouncing up and down. I fucked up, it's all I am capable of doing lately it seems.

Dan's secret became heavier and heavier and the police investigation started to put him closer to their attention. So to speed up the whole process, I insisted on helping him and he finally accepted. I have made the deals for him online, I knew the right places to find the perfect people that would buy from him and who would not hesitate to pay a good price. Dan was the one doing the transaction in real life. He could keep all the money. I did not care about that. I wanted to get rid of the problem, once and for all and stop having to lie to Gloria. I enjoyed it, though. The selling, not the lying part. It brought me back to my earlier days, I was nostalgic for them in a way I was not expecting.

It was never about dealing with this horrible version of the Devil's fire, we were supposed to have the latest mix which is better and gives you more control over what is happening in your head. Of course, I was not going to test it myself to assure that we had the right version. To me now, and whenever I started to first deal drugs, if you decided to take any kind of drugs, then you had to be able to assume what would happen to you. The buyers decided to take it from my hand and use it, I was just providing the resource. I was not forcing anyone. I guess I only started to realize that you do not always decide and it can be done against your will. It happened to me so it was stupid to keep on selling this drug in particular. But I am a loyal dog, so I stayed by Dan's side. Jessy agreed but she had no idea what this whole syringe could do to her. if she would have, then she probably would have refused it.

I have been really stupid. Maybe my brain did, in fact, die in that warehouse. Or I'll always have been that dumb but never had the opportunity to face my stupidity.

I do not even listen to Phil pretending to be sad about his sister's or Dan trying to clear his conscience. I get up abruptly, feeling their stares following me as I leave the room. I reach the bathroom, which still smells Gloria's perfume. I slam the door behind me and sigh loudly, resting my hands, palms down, on the sides of the sink. I look at myself in the mirror and shake my head, disapproving of my behavior. I want to punch my own reflection, I know the pain of the glass against my knuckles would help me see things straight again. I step away before committing something I would regret instantly and instead undress and get in the shower, letting the boiling water calming me down.

I have tried to block my brain to think about Gloria, but her smell is haunting me, reminding me of the dangerous game I decided to play by accepting to lie to her. I lost. I don't know yet what will be the price to pay. One thing is for sure, the trust I broke, I don't know if I'll be able to get it back one day. Her trust, she offered it to me before I even gave her a good reason to do so. To her, it was obvious I deserved it. It was not questionable. From the exact moment I accepted to keep Dan's secret to myself, it was over. I knew that. I still stayed silent whenever I was facing her. I lied to her, I sold the drugs that put my own life in danger, and I've put on a mask I swore I would never put on with her. I asked her to not get involved while I was right in the middle of the mess myself. A liar, a hypocrite, a danger to people. I wonder if she will see anything worth it in me next time I see her. She told me to go home, but she is home, so where am I supposed to go ?