Tonight is the night we die

Chapter Fourty-Five

Gloria's eyes scanned me to see if this was just a silly joke. Something that could be easily brushed off. But she didn't find any approvable answer. That's because it wasn't a joke. I was serious. I started to be tired. So tired of running. Hiding. And acting like I could live normally. I fooled myself; I pretended to not see the truth, even when it was as clear as day, right in front of me, all the time. It was difficult to look away and ignore the facts, shouting at me whenever it got quiet around me.

She closed her eyes and shook her head.

"What's happening, Jake? I don't follow you right now," when she opened them, they shimmered. "You can't say that you want me and then say that you're going to turn yourself in. These are two opposite statements" she fought back the tears, but it was already too late. They decided to roll down her pretty face without her consent. I stood up, and she took a step back, pointing the finger at me, careful of me as if I had suddenly become a different man. One she didn't trust. One who could harm her. "You can't do that; I'm not allowing you to do that. You don't take this from us, not now, not ever, Jake!" her voice cracked.

I grabbed her wrist and managed to finally approach her. Gloria pushed me and refused my embrace until she conceded.

"Soon, it will be 12 years since it all started. I'm tired, Gloria," I whispered and rested my chin on her head. I couldn't possibly look her in the eyes and face the damage I had just done. "I'm just tired," I repeated.

"Is the fight not worth it anymore?" she leaned back.

"Gloria..."

"Jake! Look me in the eyes and answer me! Are you tired to the point where you can say goodbye to all of this without any regrets? Can you just say goodbye to me and leave without hating yourself for doing it? Are you tired to the point of destroying everything you worked so hard to build? Turning yourself in would mean the end. We can fight all the bad guys, but once you're in jail, it's done, and there's no turning back," It was my turn to fight back the tears. My eyes searched for an alternative to look at. I tightened my lips in a line in an effort to contain the emotions behind them. "Babe, look at me," my face ended up between Gloria's palms.

Reluctantly, my eyes met up with hers.

"It's been a long run for you; I can't possibly understand how it feels. You've been more often away and alone than at home. You didn't say anything, but I know it's been hard and confusing all of that change. Please, let me in and give me a part of that burden you feel obliged to carry on your own," her thumb brushed off my cheek, the single tear that escaped.

I couldn't find the words. I felt like an idiot, like a spoiled child who decided to demolish everything in front of the helpless eyes of those who gave their entire selves to him. What was I doing? I cleared my throat and pushed Gloria away. My gesture, more than my words, hurt her. A vicious claw reached for her heart and squashed it. Maybe I hoped this would squeeze out all of her love for me. So then she would beg me to go. I found refuge in our bedroom and sat on the edge of the bed. It was pitch black outside, and I didn't bother turning any lights off.

I came home a month ago after hiding for five. I proposed. I didn't regret it. Not at all. But despite the happiness of coming home, I got quieter. The hard realization of how easy it was to lose everything stuck with me, and I couldn't detach myself from those feelings. I found it more difficult than usual to go back to normal, or as our relationship was before I had to hide. I knew I would have to do it again, so a part of me thought it was safer not to go deeper into that relationship because it would have to be put on hold very soon. Still, I gave her that ring. Gloria questioned me, and she gave me many chances to open up. I saw those opportunities and ignored them. There was nothing to say. Nothing new to add. Always the same fears. Always the same doubts. Everything and everyone changed around me, but I couldn't see the change in myself, and I desperately needed one. I wasn't used to this life. I told myself it was not for me, and I believed it so much that now I couldn't change my mind about it. To run, to hide, and to be alone, was what I mastered. I knew that life like the back of my hand. The typical life; I didn't know how to handle it. I grew afraid of mistakes, saying the wrong thing, and not acting like I was expected to behave. So, just to be safe, I shut myself down. One day, I was this version of myself. The next morning, I was a completely different one. I could tell Gloria was sick of it sometimes. She didn't know where to stand and which Jake would wake up next to her. I was lost in my head but not in my heart. I knew I had disappointed her. The fears ruined everything. I weakened myself and this relationship with that desire to be strong. The haunted house inside of me uncovered new evil spirits. It was more than hiding and running. It was about finding worth in the future with that weight on my shoulders.