ain't first, ain't last

56

do you still remember the unplanned days when i jokingly asked for your rejection without giving you my confession?

the day i bet our solid connection on the table as i pulled my hidden cards with all guts. where in return you told me " i am rejecting you for peace and order ". i wished i could laugh at that moment but the joker did the honor for me instead.

however, out of many signals, yours is my bad habit like drinking bittersweet mixed coffee out of nowhere that burnt my tongue to speak my heart no more because it tasted like a rainbow under a scorching sun.

and i don't know if there's peace and order in mixed signals when you told me " i don't want to hurt you because i love you ".

but i've learned, as a friend.

your honor, i've always ached to hear your objection!

i won't tell you how much the nimbus clouds tried to cheer me up when i begged them to take this rattling chemical change in my system. i won't tell you how many lonely raindrops  that i bathe with those sleepless nights that somehow  got me depressed,

reminding me that someone managed to shatter the towering walls i built for years which made a solid impact that it reached deep down to my soul.

perhaps, i'm really one of those jack of all trades. there's no specific area that i am excellent with. just a friend, who was never meant to be yours.

i can't still ace your heart for it is still longing for that queen.

but purely i have no angst. the reality is,   you aren't a precaution that i can put to my rules and regulations. to my sovereignty and jurisdiction, especially to my future aspirations.

indeed, i  wasn't foretold in building paranoia.
maybe, i did. although, you and i never exist.