50 Days Of Grey (#Wattys2015)

{ f o u r } : forever

iv: Delusion

 ❝an act of imagining❞

Day [2]

If the first day in Oklahoma was bad then the second begged to differ. Maybe if I'd just stopped acting delusional and naive I would've saved myself from all the drama that came ahead. But deep inside me, even though you tried to hurt me already, even though it seemed that you still hated and despised my very being and even when Tanner told me everything I needed to know about the 'situation'. I wanted to believe that deep down in that cold heart of yours it still somehow beat for me. I should've stopped myself, I really should have.

The hallway was dimly lit seeing that I was the only one awake that second day. Every door was closed and not a sound was heard in the house we used to spend every day at. Memories continued to flow into my mind, but I tried to block it out, and I guess through time I did get used to that painful pang I felt whenever I remembered. Light snores and shifting covers were heard from behind the doors of the simple suburban home and I guess I should've guessed it was too quiet for comfort in that house of yours but of course I had to be the unexpecting guest.

I quietly made my way down the stairs and into the kitchen. You really did remodel the whole place. I thought as I looked around the beautiful victorian styled kitchen your mother always dreamt about. I walked out into the hall where the stairs, the closet and the front door was located. I stepped outside and it was only then I remembered I hadn't brought a jacket. I looked back and grabbed a black leather jacket walking down the steps onto the lawn. A shiver ran down my spine as the cold air hit my bare legs. I should've changed into sweats. I thought to myself as I made my way to that diner we loved to go to downtown.

Some of your neighbors were jogging that day and they almost tripped seeing me back in Oklahoma. I guess they never thought I'd come back. I continued to make my way to the diner. I opened the door and stepped in the delicious smell of bread hitting me like a pale of ice cold water. I stepped to the counter.

"I'll have two bavarian donuts and a cocoa please. Oh, and I'll have a box of beagels and six cocoa's for take out." I said.

The woman behind the desk raised her head and smiled, "Julianne! Your back!" She cheered smiling at me.

I smiled, at least someone's happy I'm here, I thought.

"Yeah, I just got back yesterday." I said.

A frown found it's way to her face, "You know." She whispered.

I nodded solemnly, "Yeah, uhm, I found out two something days ago." I said.

"I'm sorry... I'll, uhm, get your stuff sweetie." She said.

I headed to an empty table and stared at the tissue dispenser. I didn't know why I was upset about her saying 'sorry'. Maybe because she couldn't fix anything. Maybe because she couldn't make Mom and you love me again. She couldn't fix anything... But I guess she didn't know what to do and I guess that she was only trying to comfort me and I at least owed her a thank you for at least trying when no one else thought I cared. But I do care. I care about you, Mom, and Ingrid. I wasn't heartless... I'm just scared.

It dawned on me... All these years of avoiding to come here. I wasn't angry or mad. I was scared. Scared of finding something I didn't like here. Scared of finding what I'd left behind. Scared of seeing you again. 

All those forevers came back to me and I finally understood what Elle meant when she said, "You can only love someone forever you can never last forever." And somehow she was right... And somehow I didn't like the fact she was right. 

Somewhere lost in my thoughts Alice brought my food... I peeked at my coffee cup and saw a heart and somehow I knew she understood something I didn't even understand myself.

{part of the beginning}

And it turns out you knew the guy who owned that cafe we always loved. He was an old friend, you told me once and I knew we'd be spending a lot more time here. One day before closing time you whispered something to, Eric, the guy who owned the store and you made me stay telling me that you were going to show me something.

It turned out you were going to teach me how to make those figures on the coffee... You made a heart that night and I guessed that meant you liked me. I didn't know what I was doing then nor do I know what I'm doing now.

❝Forever is just a metaphor for only now❞