50 Days Of Grey (#Wattys2015)

{ t h i r t y - f i v e } : hand holding and quiet glances

xxxv : Goodbye
❝farewell.❞

[Day 42, 3:23AM]

I can't sleep. I savor the sound of your heartbeat against my ear. We didn't go down after the kiss, neither did we talk. We just silently agreed to spend the remaining hours in the attic. Together.

Luckily the linen cabinet was placed in the attic so it didn't take much effort to make a comfortable spot near the window to lie down on. So here we were. You were lying down, your one hand under your head to support it against the comforter on the floor, your other arm, wrapped around me as I had my head on your chest.

I knew you weren't asleep. I knew that your eyes were wide open staring at the ceiling above you, thoughts going a hundred miles per hour. We were both on edge, knowing that soon we'd have to come down from the attic to change our clothes to leave the cabin. We knew it was only a matter of time before everybody else would be awake, and we'd have to leave our safe place.

With a sigh, I began to sit up, but your hand remained firmly planted against my shoulder, you gently pushed me back down. Holding me against your chest.

"Ten more minutes, Jules, ten more minutes." You whisper.

"But your parents are going to wake up soon, not to mention the fact that we both didn't sleep in our rooms last night." I say back.

"They know we wouldn't do such a thing, plus... They think I'm mad at you.. Ten more minutes."

I sigh defeatedly and lean back down, a part of me wishing time would stop at this very moment.

Time ticks by and I sit back up again, and you finally let go of my shoulder. You sit up too and we fold the linens back into the cabinet.

We pause at the attic door knowing somehow we would be entering into the real world again as we step out. You pull me into your arms, your one hand held against the back of my head. You plant a kiss at the top of my head and hold me close as I hold you tighter.

We stay this way for a few long seconds before you open the latch and the ladder that leads down. You go down before me, offering your hand to help me down.

Your hand stays wrapped around mine as you lead me to my room. You drop my hand as I begin to turn the door knob. I send a meaningful look towards you and you give me a nod, eyes tired.

I walk inside and change my clothes, mom giving me a small smile as she watches me go through the clothes in my suitcase. She doesn't ask where I've been she just smiles and pats the space next to her. I sit down beside her and she wraps her hand around mine.

"Honey... Are you okay?" She asks.

I bite my bottom lip and nod.

"Your dad called last night, sweetheart."

I turn to look at her, surprise covering my face like a blanket.

"He says that maybe I should go home with you."

I'm holding my breath, my fingers crossed behind my back.

"My doctor called.. He says that he found a new treatment for me to try in New York. Your father says that maybe I can stay with you when you finally move to your apartment."

Yeah. I forgot. I was moving when I get back, to a place nearer to the university.

"Is that okay with you, honey?" She asks.

I wrap my arms around her immediately and nod against her shoulder furiously.

"Of course, Mom... Nothing would make me any happier." I say, a genuine smile gracing my lips.

She smiles and places her hands on my cheeks, kissing me on the forehead.

~*~

I climb inside the van, finding my spot at the very back, cramped with all the stuff. You silently file in next to me, no one says anything, everyone is silent for a moment before everyone erupts into conversations of their own.

I shiver as the last gust of wind enters the van before they close it shut, turning on the heat.

I sigh and look outside as we start down the road.

Warmth spreads through me as you lace your fingers with mine. I look back at you and you stare into my eyes.

We both look equally tired, like we'd aged through the night. Like we know somehow the end is coming and it's going to be a heart wrenching cliff hanger, with no promise of a sequel.

I give his hand a squeeze and he sends me a rueful smile. I look to the front of the van as your other hand gently pushes my head on your shoulder.

"We're going to be okay." You whisper it more like your talking to yourself rather than me.

And I don't know. I don't know if we will be okay. I don't know how things are going to work out. I don't know if I can take leaving you again.

You squeeze my hand as if reading my mind and I slip back into a sleeping state. Everything is going to be okay. Somehow.

The rest of the ride home is quiet and uneventful but all the more meaningful. Everyone else has fallen asleep and only Tanner who took over the wheel for Uncle Scott is awake and he's busy keeping his eyes on the road to care about anything else. Your asleep too, and I'm halfway there. Your hand is enveloping mine and they lie atop your lap. My head is on your shoulder and your head is atop mine. I take a deep breath and look out the window.

"Julianne?" You whisper.

I look up at you and your eyes are still closed.

"Hmm?" I ask.

"When we get back... Can we act like none of this happened. Can we pretend that you're not leaving. Can you leave me that?" You ask.

I grow silent. I don't know. I don't know if I could do that. It would form an ever stronger attachment that I don't think I could sever again.

"I-I don't know." I whisper.

"Please?" You say and your voice is tender, your sincerity almost palpable.

I take a deep breath, "Okay..."

I feel you smile against the top of my head and you plant a kiss at the crown of my head.

"Okay." You say and we both fall back to sleep leaving us subjected into our own worries and fears as we fall back into our dream worlds.

I don't know what's in store for us when we get back, but I hope and wish with all my heart that the time we have left won't break me, haunt me when I'm gone.

❝The final moments before goodbye will make or break you. Make sure their the best most wonderful moments of all, because they will be the ones to haunt you when it's done.❞