50 Days Of Grey (#Wattys2015)

{ s e v e n t e e n } : forgive and forget, not revenge and regret

xvii : obdurate

❝hardened in feelings❞

[Day 17.8]

I walk back home, fear still gripping at my insides, I want to cry but I can't, I want to scream, but am too afraid of him hearing me.  It's ironic how this all seems too familiar, how this all seems so like before, how this all seems like a flashback, a dream from the past.  But it isn't.  This isn't a dream, this is cold hard reality, and I still can't have you.  Tears cloud my vision, and it's freezing.  It's November 22 and it has already started to snow.

I get to the front step, and the snow falls suddenly.  I smile and sit down on the step, closing my eyes to feel the flakes of snow fall on my face, a small sign of relief and hope in the very cold night.  In a minutes time the Chance family comes out and starts to play in the snow, and I remember how I felt so apart of this little occasion.  Then I see you.  You help mother down the stairs before setting an armchair on the front porch so she could sit outside with us.  You then sit down on the swing, beside her, a book tucked into your chest.  I stand up and join you beside the swing, viewing this as the last time I spend happily with the Chance family.

You sigh and hand me the extra blanket, seeing my shivering figure.

"Use it, before you catch a cold." You say, and I'm afraid that you're warming up to me.

We sit in silence as we watch Samantha, Tanner, Aunt Lisa, and even Uncle Scott play in the snow. Minutes later, Aunt Lisa and Uncle Scott go in to prepare a special dinner and Mom follows to sit with them in the kitchen.  We stay there on the swing, and I crave for you to hold me.  I'm scared, terrified, I need you.  I need you.  This is the last day anyway. 

Samantha and Tanner go in, but we still remain outside.  In silence.  The silence the type of needing.  We sit there and you continue to read that book of yours and I continue to look out at the now ink filled sky.  I watch as the snow falls onto the houses, and children stubbornly continue to play outside.

He sighs and faces me, closing his book and turning to me, "I forgive you." You say and I'm shocked, utterly shocked... Alarmed.

I look into your eyes, the eyes I fell for and you continue.

"Juli... I have a question for you." You say, and sorrow fill your eyes, and it reminds me of the pain I inflicted on you when I left.

You're not facing me anymore and we sit still right there together, and everything's quiet and all the white is blinding that I almost forget to answer.

"What is it?" I finally ask, my voice weak and I want you to look at me.  Look at me the way you used to.

"Why did you do it?" You ask.

"I have my reasons, Greyson." I answer.  I can't tell him, not now.

"Do you know how hard it is to look at you ever since you came back, Julianne? Do you know how much it pains me to look at you, to see you, to hear your voice? Do you know how painful it is here?" And you point at your chest, and I can't take it anymore but you continue.

"To see you everyday, growing closer and closer to my family, to my heart. And you're earning my trust again and I don't want you to earn it. You don't deserve it, I tell myself, and I don't know if I'm right anymore. Every time I see you, I see the empty chair, the empty passenger seat, the empty space next to me, the empty heart... And I wonder again and again why you would do that. Why you would leave me when I needed you. But it's too late. It's done and over." You say and I'm happy you're not looking at me.

"And I forgive you, because I'm so damn tired of looking at you and seeing the girl who left me, and the girl who came back. I'm so damn tired of trying to hate you. 'Cause always, always, at the end of the day," You pause and you finally look me in the eye, but then you move away again and I think I've lost you again. No. Please. Don't.

"I'll always feel numb. Because I don't hate you, not anymore. And I forgive you not because you deserve it, not because I'm desperate, but because I want to feel again. I want to feel something, anything, everything besides pain and numbness and, and loneliness." I don't know what to do.

"I forgive you, but you're no more than a stranger to me now." You say and you leave, and I want to shout and scream and tell you to take away the pain I'm feeling now, the regret, the pity. But it's over, and I don't regret the decisions I've made in the past. Not one bit.

"I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm so, so sorry."

And I miss you... Too much. Too much.

{nearing the end}

You hold my hand and I'm afraid... I'm afraid that that small action can 'cause so much to happen.

"What's wrong? Your hands are freezing. Are you okay?" You ask and I nod stiffly.

You seem unconvinced but the awards party is starting and we have to stand up.

Hours pass and it's time to announce 'Artist of the Year'.  I squeeze your hand and you squeeze back, nervously awaiting the results.

"And this years, 'Artist of the Year' award goes to..."

"Greyson Chance!"

You go up the stage and I smile one last time.

"I don't know what to say... I, uh, thank you... I want to thank, the crew, my parents, my girlfriend, whose sitting right there-" You say and the spotlight shifts to where I sat only moments ago, but I'm already gone, the last thing I see is your searching eyes and concerned frown.

I'm sorry, I have to do this, I'm sorry, I can't do this anymore.

~*~

It feels like hours till I'm called in, and I'm still frozen to my seat.  Still thinking of your words, and how I don't know if being a stranger is better than being hated.  And I can't feel anything, just pain, pain, and pain.  And I'm sick of hurting you, and hurting me, and everyone.  And I'm sick of fighting everything, and I'm sick of life, I'm sick of having to be the bad guy.  And I'm angry, infuriated, mad...

My phone rings and I answer not checking to see who it was.

"Hello?" I answer bluntly.

"Cheer up, buttercup, shouldn't you be happy?" I freeze, because it's Matt again, and the fear starts to seep back in.

"I just called to remind you of the distance you must keep, love, just a little reminder before someone get's hurt." And Matt ends the call and I'm frozen again.

I just got the forgiveness I've been asking for, but here comes trouble again.

I'm sorry, I love you...  I'm sorry.

❝and some things are better left unsaid, like my love for you, and your love for me.❞