Stories in the Saiki K Universe

The Disastrous (Love) Life of Saiki K Comes to an End

My name is Kusuo Saiki, and after just a few weeks, I've already had enough of dating. Thankfully, I was able to seal up the fissure in space-time created by Hisoka and Machi, two criminals from a separate universe. I had originally thought the fissure was causing all the craziness, with girls (and guys) rushing toward me like ants scrambling over crumbs. As it turns out, that's just their normal behavior. The fissure had no effect at all. So now, it's time to conclude this portion of my story. I present to you: "The Disastrous (Love) Life of Saiki K Comes to an End."

NENDOU
(genuinely concerned)
Wow! "Comes to an END?" That sounds serious. You OK, buddy? I didn't realize you were sick. When you die, can I get those cool lime green shades?

SAIKI
[I'm not dying, you moron].

KAIDOU
(animated as usual)
Saiki's healthier than ever, Nendou. He's not dying!

NENDOU
But he just said --

KAIDOU
(still animated)
You can't judge a story based on the title. Do you even read Jump?!

NENDOU
Well, to be honest, I usually just look at the pictures...

SAIKI
[It was a rhetorical question].

KAIDOU
(even more animated)
You can't just look at the pictures! That's not how you read manga!

NENDOU
(mocking Kaidou)
Settle down, Mr. Shrimp!... "Look at me! I'm the big reader"... I bet you never even finished a book! Maybe the Adventures of Peter Rabbit or something like that.

SAIKI
[This conversation is embarrassing. I'm glad it's just the three of us].

AIURA
[AND ME]!

SAIKI
[Good grief. Aiura, you're not in the script for today's story. Wait your turn].

AIURA
[Ohhhhhhh, cmonnnnn, Kusuo! Your stories are totes BORING without me].

SAIKI
[Your sense of modesty doesn't exist, does it]?

AIURA
[Ah Ha! Is that a compliment for me, Kusuo? See? I told you, you like me]!

SAIKI
[Yes, yes. I like you. As a friend. Now leave].

AIURA
[You're such a cutie, Kusuo.... Smoochies!... Later gator]!

SAIKI
[Now back to your regularly-scheduled Duel of the Dunces].

NENDOU
You don't read, Little Man!... You probably skip to the end every time.

KAIDOU
I do not!

NENDOU
Do too!

KAIDOU
Do not!

SAIKI
[At this point, I'm surprised either of you can read].

NENDOU
You're a faker! I bet you a million yen, or else it's fifty punches if you can't pay up!

KAIDOU
(backing off and stammering)
Well... you know.... (gulp) most authors want you to just skip to the end... Right Saiki?

SAIKI
[Don't bring me into this].

KAIDOU
(yelling)
Everybody skips to the end! That's where the juicy stuff happens!

NENDOU
(grabbing Kaidou and putting him in a headlock)
I knew it! Now I get fifty punches on your arm because there's no way you're handing over a million yen. Left or right?

KAIDOU
(trying to escape Nendou's grasp)
Whaaaat?!..... HELP!... Saiki!

SAIKI
[I already told you. Keep me out of this].

NENDOU
(laughing and letting go of Kaidou)
Oh, come on, Kaidou! I'm just kidding!... (still laughing)... I had you going!

KAIDOU
(covering his face with his hand and peeking through his fingers)
Few men have dared to lay hands on the JET BLACK WINGS and have lived to tell the tale!
("Judgment Knights of Thunder" plays in the background).

NENDOU
(approaching Kaidou again)
Hey, you got a fly buzzing around you.... There it is!
(flicking Kaidou on the ear)

KAIDOU
(jumping around)
Owwwww! That really hurt! Nendoooooou!

SAIKI
[I question whether Kaidou could even beat Yuuta, let alone Nendou].

NENDOU
(suddenly grabbing his stomach)
I'm hungry.

SAIKI
[That's nothing new].

NENDOU
You guys feel like getting some ramen?

KAIDOU
Heck yeah, as long as you're buying. Saiki?

NENDOU
We can get that strawberry mochi stuff you --

KAIDOU
(speaking with confidence)
Saiki's favorite isn't strawberry mochi! It's vanilla ice cream!

NENDOU
No, it's not. It's strawberry, no wait!... it's chocolate!... I know because --

KAIDOU
He's right here, you dope! Saiki, you coming?... And what's your fav --

SAIKI
(actually speaking)
It's coffee jelly. And yes, I'll come with you.
[You don't have to ask me twice].

So that's it. I finally had a story that didn't involve dating. Even with Aiura's brief intrusion, there were still no hijinks. No clones. No Le Bistro Tres Bien. None of that. This story is about my friends and me. They're nowhere near perfect, but they're my friends nonetheless. Besides, I'd gladly play referee to these two idiots any day over being chased by Teruhashi... and Aiura... Yumehara.. Mera... Akechi... that homeless woman near the ramen shop?... that creepy old guy at the temple?... the sniper I teleported from hundreds of miles away?... Nendou's mom?... I'm suddenly getting all these thoughts and urges from random people, and they're all.... in love with me?!... Good grief.... On second thought, I'm losing my appetite. Sorry fellas. Looks like I won't be having ramen or coffee jelly after all. What a pain.