Stories in the Saiki K Universe

Saiki K and Hisoka (Again) - Part 1 of 2

My name is Kusuo Saiki, and I was born with psychic powers. I really feel like skipping all of this introductory stuff today. I'm just not in the mood. OK fine. I'll still do a brief intro. I know what you're thinking. No, it's not Yuuta. No, it's not Teruhashi. No, it's not Kaidou, Nendou, Toritsuka. No, it's not my girlfriend, Mikoto Aiura. 

Oh, Kusuo! Such a cutie! I am totes obsessed with being your girlfriend!

Oh, hey, Mikoto. We'll talk more later.

That's the aforementioned girlfriend. We have a telepathic connection, so she'll do that from time to time. Anyhow, it was none of the usual subjects. Apparently Hisoka (the magician, clown, whatever, he's the spam email of adversaries) has arrived in universe AGAIN, so now I need to deal with him AGAIN.

What a pain.

HISOKA
(sitting with his legs crossed lady-style)
You know -- you're incredibly boring.

SAIKI
[Then why do you keep coming here?...]

HISOKA
(shrugging and taking a sip of his cafe latte)
It's been months. I figured you'd want to see me.... 

SAIKI
[You figured incorrectly].

HISOKA
(smiling widely and using a tone as though he's speaking to a child)
Well, young man, I hope you're enjoying that coffee jelly. It's the least I could do.

SAIKI
[This doesn't change anything between us].

HISOKA
(waving away SAIKI's comment, then shifting in his chair)
Why are you sitting so stiffly?... It's like you forgot to remove the hanger from your jacket.... You're making me uncomfortable.

SAIKI
[What do you want, Hisoka?...]

HISOKA
(stretching and yawning)
Well, if you must know...... I want everything. I want this universe. I want mine. I want it all.

SAIKI
[Haven't we already been through this? I told you not to come back. If you threaten my universe again, I'm going to -- ]

HISOKA
(smiling and slow-clapping)
Bravo!... Yes, yes, you'll vanquish me like the wretched evil-doer I am. Such a noble and heroic gesture.... but it's completely unnecessary.

SAIKI
[Good grief. You make me sound like Kaidou].

HISOKA
(sipping his late)
You asked me a question. I gave a sincere answer. It doesn't mean I'm going to act on it.

SAIKI
[Good].

HISOKA
(looking around, making sure nobody else is listening)
Actually, I'm here for a specific reason.

SAIKI
[You're exhausting. What happened? Did you lose your daughter again?...]

HISOKA
(smiling but looking at SAIKI angrily)
I'm going to ignore that.

SAIKI
[Good. I'd rather be ignored. And I honestly don't want to get roped into whatever nonsense you're planning. Thanks for the coffee jelly. I'm leaving].

HISOKA
(grabbing SAIKI'S arm)
Ah, ah, ah!.... Not yet, dear boy!

SAIKI
[I'm giving to you to the count of three, and --]

HISOKA 
(letting go of SAIKI'S arm)
Just sit down and hear me out, you silly little bubble gum.

SAIKI
[Is that supposed to convince me?...]

HISOKA
(gesturing for SAIKI to sit back down)
I'll get you another order of coffee jelly.... Garcon!... or... You! Hey girl!... Another coffee jelly for my dear friend... Ah, yes. The large variety, yes!...

SAIKI
[Fine. One more coffee jelly, and then I'm leaving].

HISOKA
(smiley widely)
Kusuo....

SAIKI
[No. It can't be. He's lying. I can hear what he's thinking. He's lying].

HISOKA
(still smiling widely)
I am your father.

SAIKI
[....]

HISOKA
(concerned look on his face)
Oh, silly boy!... You've gone and spilled your coffee jelly!

So yeah. That's where it stands. I don't want to share any more of this ridiculous story beyond that moment... I can't... I won't... It's annoying beyond belief, but it's real... After all, my story wouldn't be called THE DISTASTROUS LIFE OF SAIKI K because everything turns out peaches and cream in the end.... Well... OK fine. Maybe I'll share more, just to clear up what HISOKA said. Is he my father?... Tune in next -- 

He's your father?!... Wow. Kusuo! I'm speechless.

Thanks, Mikoto. Speechless is good. Let's keep it that way.

Hey! Did you just tell me to shut up?

No, I wouldn't dream of that.

Good!... Now you owe me extra smoochies!

Fine. Extra smooches. I'm going to bed. Good night, everyone. Tune in next time for the startling conclusion of SAIKI K and HISOKA (Again)!...