Stories in the Saiki K Universe

Saiki K Has Had Enough

My name is Kusuo Saiki, and I was born with psychic powers. And yes, you read that title correctly. I've had enough. Like Samuel L. Jackson said, "Enough is enough! I have had it with these melon-farming snakes on this melon-farming plane!" I'm self-censoring because this story is rated PG, maybe PG-13 at worst. Sometimes I'd enjoy saying the real thing, but you never know -- Yuuta... or my mom... or one of my classmates with delicate sensibilities... might be listening. As usual, I'd be checkmated by social convention. No matter what, I don't anticipate this story being about planes or snakes or profanity, but you never know what might happen. Let's get right into it, the story of how I told everyone I'd had enough... 

KAIDOU
(walking up to SAIKI, covering half of his face)
Saiki!... I'm glad you're here!... As the school day draws to a close, I feel a dark presence in this --

SAIKI
[No].
(keeps walking past KAIDOU)

NENDOU
(walking up to SAIKI, as KAIDOU stands in the background confused)
Heyyyyy, Buddy!.... Gotta love the end of the school day!... Feel like getting some ram --

SAIKI
[No].
(keeps walking past NENDOU)

TERUHASHI
(walking up to SAIKI, as NENDOU stands in the background confused, and KAIDOU continues to stand in the background confused)
Hello, Saiki!... It's such a lovely afternoon, isn't it?... I was hoping that we could --

SAIKI
[No].
(keeps walking past TERUHASHI)

AIURA
(walking up to SAIKI, as TERUHASHI stands in the background confused, NENDOU continues to be confused, and KAIDOU continues to be confused)
Kusuooooo!.... I am totally ready for my first smooch of the afternoon!... Now pucker up those lips and --

SAIKI
[No].
(keeps walking past AIURA)

TORITSUKA
(running up to SAIKI, with his hand raised... everyone else is standing there in SAIKI's wake, completely confused, maybe a little bit offended)
Master!... Saiki-San!... It would be great if you could come with me to the abandoned warehouse! I just met a really cool spirt, and she --

SAIKI
[No].
(keeps walking past TORITSUKA, right out the door of the school, down the pathway, all the way to Cafe Mami... while his friends silently follow him)

Now I'm smiling. 

That's my type of story. Right to the point. No nonsense.... and interestingly, it's my friends doing the lurking behind buildings instead of me this time. That's a nice change of pace.

By the way, kids, here's the moral of the story. It's important to say "NO" to certain things so that you can say "YES" to other things.

And now... Ah... YES... Coffee jelly. 

It's perfect today. Just the right amount of bitterness mixed with sweetness. Just the right texture. I feel like spoiling myself, so I'm going to have two or three this afternoon, not just one. This is my favorite way to finish a story. Here I am, sitting at Cafe Mami by myself, enjoying a mature and dignified treat for the next few minutes. No Kaidou. No Nendou. No Teruhashi. No Mikoto (but yes, she's still my girlfriend). No Toritsuka. Even Mera isn't working today. 

But wait... What's this?.... What's happening to that guy over there?... 

Oh no... Why me?... Seriously?... A snake? Does he actually have a snake slithering out of his shirt sleeve? This feels totally random. It's redundant, too. This already happened a few years ago, very early in the TV series.

Good grief... Another snake?... And another?... What a pain... 

And right on cue, here comes the cavalry... Kaidou barges through the door, and he's standing there, staring down the snakes and bragging about BLACK BEAT... Here I am, a psychic with godlike powers, and I have two choices: ignore what's happening and leave immediately (that's preferred), or intervene (definitely not preferred). Still... Hm... If I give Kaidou the power to stop the snakes, then maybe people won't drag me into this and I'll have some peace and quiet... You know what?.... I've decided. I'll intervene AND leave almost simultaneously. Step one, I'll use the commotion as a smokescreen. Nobody's looking over here, which means I can use my invisibility.... and.... step two, I dub thee... THE JET BLACK WINGS, JUDGMENT KNIGHT OF THUNDER!... Yes, Kaidou. Don't look so confused. That's right. The power coursing through your arm is real. Just zap the snakes and be done with it... because, you know what?.... 

"I have had it with these melon-farming SNAKES in this melon-farming CAFE!"

OK, I admit. That was on the nose. I usually have a very dry wit, but I couldn't resist.

And with that, it's time to teleport out of here. Enjoy a snake-free evening if you can, and if you can't, I really don't want to hear about it. Call Kaidou. He'll have the powers until midnight. Thanks in advance for your cooperation. Good night, everyone.

And smoochies for my Kusuo!...

Good grief... Yes, Mikoto. Good night to you, too.

And smoochies?... 

Mikoto...

Oh, cmonnnn, Kusuooo! Smoochies for your totally awesome girlfriend! If you don't say "smoochies," then I'm going to let the whole gang know you're here. I can't wait to tell them how you're sitting in a booth -- INVISIBLE -- waiting to teleport out of --

Fine... Smoochies. Good night.

Wow. What a total breakthrough!

What a pain...

***THE END?... or just another continuation of the SAIKI K Universe?***