Stories in the Saiki K Universe

Coffee Jelly, the Solution to All of Life's Problems (Really)

NENDOU
(speaking with regret and sadness)
Unfortunately, fire is not the solution to every problem.

SAIKI
[I didn't realize Nendou could use five-syllable words].

KAIDOU
(wanting to get in on the story)
Oh yeah!... Well if fire isn't the solution to every problem, neither is water! So there!

SAIKI
[Neither is turning back time to prevent the eruption of a devastating volcano].

NENDOU
(still speaking with regret and sadness)
Well, anyway, that's how I ended up burning down my old neighborhood.

KAIDOU
(getting upset)
OK, so you started a huge fire. We still don't know WHY you did it!

SAIKI
[Knowing Nendou, I'm sure his reason doesn't make much sense].

NENDOU
(surprised)
Oh!... I guess I never mentioned it.... Actually, it's kind of embarrassing...

KAIDOU
(impatient)
Oh, come on! Stop stalling! I bet it was something stupid!

SAIKI
[It's rare for me to agree with Kaidou, but...]

NENDOU
(taking a deep breath and then speaking)
I was.... um... I was...

KAIDOU
(slapping Nendou on the back)
Oh just spit it out already!

SAIKI
[Yes. Please. Regale us with a tale of stupidity].

NENDOU
(turning away from them)
I was trying to kill a cockroach, OK?...

SAIKI
[On second thought, that's a perfectly logical reason].

KAIDOU
(laughing)
A cockroach?!.... I knew it! I knew you were a big wimp! (still laughing, not noticing that a little butterfly is fluttering near his ear)
What?!... What was that?!... Get it off me! Get it off!

NENDOU
(starting to laugh)
What's wrong, Mr. Shrimp?... Scared of a little butterfly? (laughing loudly and pointing)

KAIDOU
(getting serious and pointing an accusing finger at NENDOU)
Forget the butterfly!... You destroyed dozens of homes and caused men, women, and children to suffer, all for a stupid cockroach! For crying out loud, why didn't you just step on it?!... Or use bug spray!... Or smack it with a copy of JUMP!... But noooo, you had to set the entire block ablaze... (grabbing Nendou by his collar) You're a villain! You're a -- wait.... (letting NENDOU go)... you're too much of a moron to do anything like that, even by accident!... (pausing for a moment, and then clutching his arm covered in red ribbons)... Do you know what this means?... (looking at NENDOU, then SAIKI, the NENDOU)... It means, this towering inferno must've been the work of dastardly villains.... none other than... DARK REUNION!... And THE JET BLACK WINGS will bring them to justice!... (becoming hysterical) Oh, the villainy!... Oh, the humanity!... 

SAIKI
[Leave it to Kaidou to turn this into a conspiracy].

KAIDOU
(catching his breath after jumping around in hysterics)
Nendou, it's not your fault. You were just an unwitting pawn of a criminal syndicate!... a patsy!... a know-nothing!... a fall guy!.... a FOOL!... a dimwit!... a dope!... 

NENDOU
(drooping stance, looking very sad)
Well, when you put it that way, it makes me feel even worse!

KAIDOU
(putting his arm around Nendou's shoulders)
No, Nendou!... No, my friend!... Were you a complete moron to mix those chemicals together in a five gallon canister and use a gasoline-soaked rag as a fuse?... Yes, indeed, you were!... and were you even more idiotic when you lit that fuse and threw the explosive into the lush green central courtyard of your housing complex?... Yes again!... But it's not you who should feel bad! Nay, I say not!... It's DARK REUNION who should feel bad for hatching this villainous plot to destroy your neighborhood.

SAIKI
[Kaidou's wrong. Nobody should feel bad. That cockroach deserved it].

NENDOU
(half-hugging Kaidou)
Thanks, little buddy. I actually like bugs!... (staring and remembering a fateful moment in the past)... Guess I never should've taken the advice of that creepy guy in the cloak... he was hiding in that dark alley and he gave me those chemicals..... (shaking himself back into the moment)... but yeah, thanks little buddy!

KAIDOU
(standing with his hands on his hips)
No thanks are necessary, my friend!... It's all in a day's work for the JET BLACK WINGS!

SAIKI
[Kuboyasu already said that in another story, and he was actually being heroic].

NENDOU
(grabbing his stomach and changing the subject)
You guys feel like getting some ramen?

SAIKI
[Just as long as it's not a maid cafe -- and we're not sharing a milkshake this time].

KAIDOU
(excited and putting his arms around NENDOU and SAIKI)
With two fine citizens such as both of you?... Certainly!... No one can expect THE JET BLACK WINGS to fight crime on an empty stomach!

NENDOU
(practically ignoring him)
Sure, whatever you say, little buddy.... How about you, Saiki?... We'll get you some of that double-decker chocolate cake you like so much!

SAIKI
[I don't even have the energy to correct him].

KAIDOU
(indignant)
It's not chocolate cake, you moron! It's strawberry shortcake. That's Saiki's favorite!

SAIKI
[Am I the only one getting a sense of deja vu]?

NENDOU
(starting to run)
Let's just get there before they run out of ramen!... Beat you there, shrimp!

KAIDOU
(running after him)
Not if I beat you first!

SAIKI
[Good grief].

My name is Kusuo Saiki. I was born with psychic powers. I figured I'd postpone the introduction and just give you a conclusion instead.... Well, that's it. That's the story. It's over. KAIDOU, NENDOU, and I had some ramen and coffee jelly, and I came home about fifteen minutes ago.... I even bought an extra package of coffee jelly to bring home with me... So you can feel free to leave while I enjoy some peace and quiet.... yes, peace and quiet.... finally... Wait... Good grief. It's AIURA and TERUHASHI again. They're downstairs talking with my mom -- AGAIN... Marching band stuff -- AGAIN.... It never ends, does it?... I'm just going to stay up here by myself... Let's just leave it at that, OK?... OK. Good night.... and now what?.... NENDOU and KAIDOU are down there, too?.... What a pain. I just left those guys... Unfortunately, fire is not the solution to every problem, but coffee jelly is.... I'm sure glad I got that to-go bag from the ramen shop....