𝐥𝐮𝐧𝐚𝐫 𝐬𝐡𝐚𝐝𝐨𝐰𝐬 | carlisle cullen (3)

( carlisle's letter )

My Carlisle,

To the love of my life. Your optimism is cruel to your own heart but I tried my very best to relive your pain even when I knew it to be impossible. I am hurt to write these words even when I know it's a mere few hours until I hold you again, until I kiss you.

The sadness is knowing that this will end, maybe before I can comprehend exactly what is going on. I do not know where to start because there is no right way to say goodbye to someone you love endlessly, effortlessly, completely, unconditionally.

There are no words Carlisle and if there were we already spoke them all infinite times over. You know how much I love you and I feel your love in every touch, every kiss. Eternity is all I desire but my mind won't accept good anymore, that's the only way I can understand this.

I make many wishes, many prayers. I hope you do too. In the last few months I have been finding sanctuary in your own beliefs. I did not see a god and maybe I still don't but I did pray for opportunity as I know you have too. At first I prayed for this to go away, for my mind to clear and for eternity to return to me but then I started to pray for the chance to watch over you all even when I'm gone.

I want to hear Emmett laugh, see Alice dance. I want to listen to Edward playing the piano and Rosalie talking about something she loves. I want to see Jasper smile, to watch Bella love. I want to watch you, to see you, to understand you even when I know you perfectly. I need you. I would never have survived without you. Never would have been happy. You have given me everything and a second with you would have been better than eternity alone.

I cannot express love in words with void meaning when the love doesn't need to be called out in declaration but if I could spill my soul onto a piece of paper it would have been this one, if I could send love in an envelope it would've needed endless stamps to carry the weight of what I feel.

I love you forever even if I am not with you. You are everything and in eternity, my love is strong. The hardest part of this was losing you. I would've cracked my mind ten times over, swam in fire for a thousand years just so I would never have to leave you. I don't want to let go of the best thing in my life and I'm so scared Carlisle, I'm so scared.

I don't fear death, or the pain of my mind. What I fear is going to a place where I cannot find you, where I cannot hold you and I am scared of leaving you alone. It hurts more than anything else to know that I have left you or that I am going to. Already I can feel it and I long for seconds, minutes, hours. I crave every breath and every footstep scared it might be the last and I cherish every word you say like poems in my heart to read beyond the lunar shadows.

Carlisle I am sorry, truly. If I could have stopped this, I would have given the world to spend another moment with you my love. But when you read this know I have left a piece of myself in this letter, know that I will never truly be gone, that I am always by your side.

And in the stars, I will always dance with you

To the love of my life from the love of yours,

Your Stella.