Tears [Carlos x Lando]

14. I can't do this anymore.

Many Days have passed. Days full of pain. I didn't want to talk to carlos. I didn't want to hear or see him. The pain gets worse and worse. I haven't slept or eaten for days. I threw up many times. Max and Daniel wanted to take me to the doctor but when they tried i screamed at them, i didn't mean to scream or hurt them in any way. I can't take this pain i can't live with this. Max and daniel tried everything to make me feel better. They tried to feed me but i didn't let them. They tried to convince me to talk to a therapist or to carlos but i didn't want to. Everytime they said carlos name or something that had to do with him i had a panic attack. So they stopped talking about him. One night it was so bad that they called an ambulance. I wasn't taken to the hospital because they could helped me right away.                                                                                                                I know carlos was waiting and sitting infront of the door all these days he didn't leave his spot once but i can't forgive him. He didn't even have the chance to apologize because i locked myself in the bathroom everytime he tried to.

It's friday night and i wanted to ''sleep'' on the couch so daniel and max can have their bed. They didn't want to but i didn't leave the couch. 

it was late night. Probably 3 a. m. I can't take this pain anymore. I have decided to kill myself. I can't stay alive i am going through hell right now and the pain will go away when i'm dead. Carlos can be happy with george when i'm gone. Anyone will be happy. I wrote a note to daniel, to max, to my sister, to my parents. and.. to carlos. i left them all on the table. As opend the balcony door i made a loud noise. Oh shit i hope i didn't wake up daniel or max. 

I climbed up the balcony fence. it was really thick so i stood on it. I look up to the stars a last time. When i die i hope i will become a star. Suddenly someone pulled me down, that scared the shit out of me. I turned my head to the person behind me. It was carlos. I started to sob again and i punched him as hard as i could but he didn't move a single hair. ''Punch me as much as you want lando.. I won't let you kill yourself. You can hate me as much as you want you can punch me as hard and as much as you want, you don't have to see me ever again, i'm begging you only to listen to me the last time please..'' he says and i my eyes move to his i see he is also crying and he also didn't sleep for days. I nod slowly. He is till holding me in his arms. He doesn't want to let go off me.

''I want to tell you the whole story.. please listen to me until the end..'' he says and hugs me even tighter i nod. ''Sunday, after the race many people came to me because it was my last day with mclaren. Lewis asked me and the others to go party with him because he got world champion again i agreed and i wanted to call you and ask you if you want to come along. But george took my phone away. 'oh come on let's party alone like in old times without lando i already asked him he said it's alright' george told me. I had no clue that he was lying. Lewis called a limousine and we went to a club. I got a bit drunk and george got really drunk too, he congratulated me for my contract with ferrari and he kissed my cheek. I pushed him away and said ''woah george back off please.'' george told me he was joking. But he was acting really weird i tried to leave and tell you what happened immediately but george suddenly pulled me to him and kissed me on my lips. he took a picture and i pushed him against the wall i screamed at him and punched him in his face. I told him ''i dont want you and i never wanted you'' he started to rant ''Lando is so ugly and childish he ruined everything between us i wish he died in the accident.'' I lost it completely and i kicked the shit out of him charles tried to stop me but i pushed him away. I grabbed george's haid and smacked him agains the wall mutiply times until he started to blood. ''YOU FUCKING BASTARD, HOW DARE YOU SAY ALL THESE THINGS ABOUT LANDO! LANDO DIDN'T RUIN ANYTHING I NEVER LIKED YOU YOU ARE A TERRIBLE PERSON! YOU ARE DISGUSTING!! I WISH I HAVE NEVER MET YOU'' I screamed at george and i wanted to punch him again but charles, pierre and checo stopped me. After that i ran to you, i got your message and ran to max's room. i knocked on it and begged him to let me talk to you but he didn't let me so i asked him to listen to me. he did. he tried to convince you but it you didn't want to listen what was completely understandable, i was so mad at myself. i sat next to the door for days. I heared you suffer, i heared you scream, i heared you throw up. One day the ambulance came and i was so fucking worried i came in you didn't recognise me because you were heaving the hardest panic attack ever. I broke your heart. I ruined your life. It's all my fault. i never ment to hurt you lando i love you. I will always love you even if you choose to hate me.'' carlos said, he told me everything. I started to sob hard and i hugged him i cried in his shoulder for a hour he didn't leave me. He petted my back ''shh.. i am here. I love you'' I look at him with my swollen eyes and i kiss him. He looks suprised and kisses me back. ''i-i love you too..'' i whisper quietly. ''Lando..'' he lifts up my chin ''Please.. never. try to end you life again. Whatever happens never do that again do you understand me?'' he says with his hands in my arms and i nod and start to cry again.