~𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕝𝕠𝕧𝕖 𝕓𝕖𝕙𝕚𝕟𝕕 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕟𝕚𝕘𝕙𝕥𝕞𝕒𝕣𝕖~

I'm not Crazy....

CW: mentions of suicide, bipolar and Autism

23rd October 2018

Ever since my black out I haven't felt... Right, for lack of better words. Like all my emotions punching me all at once, I hadn't left my room, I cancelled my match against Io Shirai, and I was deemed unfit to work as of right now, that also meant no training, until I was better. It was weird, I'd go from being really ecstatic to really really fucking depressed and suicidal, without any explanation or reason. I was like a ticking timebomb, just waiting to explode, Demi made it clear that she was worried, so did Izzy and Trav, Demi wanted me to get help, but I refused, I refused to leave, I refused to tell my family, I knew what my family would tell me.

A knock on my door brought my attention over to it, Demi came through the opening and sat next to me on the bed, "how ya feeling Hun?" She said placing her hand on my forehead, as if I had a fever. I ignored her question, unable to describe what I felt. "Syd, talk to me, I'm really worried love..." I took a long breath "I'm fine" was all I could mumble to her. "No Syd... You're not..." She hesitated before saying her next sentence "I spoke to Oliver." I furrowed my brow at her, trying to keep myself calm "you what!" "He said he might know what's up with you" I stood up, grabbing my bag and some clothes, pulling on some shorts, I didn't care how cold it was I needed to get out before my brother arrived. "It's bullshit! I don't have it! I can't!" I shouted, pushing my way out of the room, demi trying to stop me. I slipped on the first pair of shoes I saw and headed out of the door, the elevators had 'out of service' slips on them so I was left to the fire exit stairs that would lead to the reception.

I was about five steps from the bottom when my brother burst through the doors on one end, Demi coming from the other end. "Sydney! Don't!" My brother shouted, scouting my escape plan. "It's bullshit Oli! I'M NOT AMI! IM NOT LIKE HER!" floods of memories of my older sister came crashing back to me. I wasn't like her, I wasn't going to be like her and I sure as hell wasn't going to leave, like she did. My brother sighed, slowly inching forward towards me. "Syd..." I started shaking, fighting the urge to run, trying to hear my brother out, knowing exactly it would end me. "It's okay, you're gonna be okay, we just need you to come with us, just to keep you safe, okay?" I began to cry, he was going to take me to the hospital no matter what I did, it was my decision to make him force me to go or to go willingly.

I made a run for it, immediately being caught by my brother, who shouted for Demi to help him. My old roommates stood in shock at the situation, my girlfriend held me down and my brother placed a small aroma pad under my nose, I felt my eyes go heavy, and after a few seconds... Gone.

Demi pov:

I watched my partner fall unconscious "what the hell was that!" "It's a sedative, completely safe, I promise, we used it on Ami when she lashed out.." I looked at Oli in confusion "Ami?" He sighed "our older sister, she ran off a while ago, Syd was 15, I was 12, Ami 16. She lashed out and left in the middle of the night.. we had contact with her for a while, but, we haven't actually seen her since she left. Our parents acted like she had died, it was hard on Syd, them and Ami were really close." I looked down at Sydney, it was the first time I had heard of Ami so this must've been difficult to deal with. "What made Ami leave?" He took a moment before speaking "she was bipolar... Her case was really severe, one of the worst the doctors had ever seen. It was hard for all of us. But, we tried..."

Syd pov:

I woke up in my brother's car, in a hospital parking lot, there was no point in me trying to fight now, I was already here, whether I liked it or not. My focus shifted as my eyes locked with my girlfriend, that same concerned look on her face "hey... You alright?" I gave her a simple nod, not wanting to talk. It took a moment for me to refocus myself, demi helped me out of the car, staying close behind me to ensure I wouldn't run. The nurse was asking me questions but me refusing to answer forced my brother to answer most of the questions. "So why are you here?" "It's my sibling, i- we think they have bipolar" "does it run in your family?" "Yes, umm my Aunt had it, and my sister suffered really bad with it" "okay, and have they had any psychotic episodes?" "Yes. A few weeks ago they ran away from home. And now she just won't talk, won't eat won't sleep. Her emotions are all over the place, one minute they're happy, the next she's really depressed"

"alright and, what medication is she on?" This is where demi chimed in "Diazepam, Venlafaxine, Ferumoxytol, scopolamine and Risedronate." "And her eating habits?" "One meal a day, snacking. 2 full meals on a good day." The nurse finished typing the information in and lead us to a consultation room "one more thing. Have they ever been in a mental hospital?" Everything went silent, I just stared at the nurse while the awkwardness rose in the area. "Yes. I have. For 6 months" the nurse nodded "and the reason?" "I attempted suicide..." At this point I didn't care about this, I just wanted to go home.

The nurse left the room, I'm guessing to tell a doctor the symptoms and we were left in complete silence. I could feel my heart pounding. Thump. Thump. Thump. The glare of the lights stinging my eyes. The faint sounds of doctors, nurses and patients all talking, buzzing in my ear. I can't stay here, I need to leave. Now. I rose to my feet attempting to leave, but the rough skin on my brother's hands wrapping around my wrist stopped me from going any further, he sat me back down, Demi placing a set of headphones on my head to cancel our the sensory overload I was going through, she pulled me in closer, leaning my head against her shoulder while we waited.

It took a while but eventually the nurse came back, closely followed by a doctor. "Hello Sydney, I'm Dr. Cashe, I'm you're new G.P. I'm going to cut right to the chase, we ran some tests based on the answers provided to the questions previously asked. I know it's probably not the answer you're looking for, however your signs did relate a lot to bipolar, though we aren't 100% sure on that." Oli looked confused and had to ask "well, if you don't mind me asking, what else could it be?" The doctor looked through her notes once more. "Autism. Can I ask your relationship to Sydney?" "Brother, why autism? Surely we would've known when they were a kid.. right?" "Well, autism has a spectrum, mostly it's more noticeable in children, however, in some cases, autism can be more viable tin teen or adult hood... We'll start Sydney on Lithium Carbonate meds and Asenapine, it's a trial run medication. If she starts to act less erratic then let us know so we can diagnose them. If nothing really happens, the more likely cause is in fact autism and we can get them some medication to help with that."

Great. "I'm not crazy. I'm not Ami. I'm not her." The doctor looked directly at me "Ami Davidson?" I nodded "okay... Keep an eye on Sydney, she will be fit to work by the end of the week... Unless the medication doesn't take affect"

I went home that night completely beside myself, Demi feeling Empathetic of me. "Syd, I'm glad you stayed, you could've left but you didn't. You want help. I know you do. And as for Ami, wherever she is, I believe that she just needs help. She still loves you." The words of encouragement coming from my girlfriend were from the heart, she really meant every word. She held me close to her chest, her protective nature kicking in as she dozed off, I hadn't felt the need to sleep in days, but now that this weight had been lifted from my chest, now I had answers, and though they werent the answers I wanted, it did take away the feeling of frustration...