Silhouette | Suicidal Todoroki x Bakugou

6 | Sorrow

Shouto Todoroki

Todoroki felt as though his stomach was a leech devouring itself. Sharp jabs of pain cut through him as a throbbing, undulating pain shook his guts. His muscles gradually became taut as though they were wires cranking into straight, blade-like lines.

It'll be fine, Todoroki convinced himself after reading his sister's text message. It's just a conversation. It'll be fine...

Gesturing for Mai to follow him, Todoroki reluctantly approached the living room. His pulse resounded in his ears once he neared the corner dividing his eyes from where Fuyumi was. With soft, shaky steps, he rounded the corner, and in what felt like half of a second, Fuyumi shot up from the couch and bolted up to him, throwing her arms around her youngest brother.

"Shouto, you had me so worried!" Fuyumi groaned in a sigh. "But I'm glad you're back in one piece. And how long have you been here?" She let out a yawn.

Once again, Todoroki's lips refused to obey him, so he typed, Just a few minutes. I'm sorry for what happened.

Fuyumi tilted her head a bit. "It's okay. What matters is that you're here now. But...why don't I make breakfast, and then we can talk about it." She nodded and readjusted her glasses. "I even fell asleep with my glasses on?"

I'm going to take a shower, if you don't mind, Todoroki typed to his sister.

"Go ahead!"

After spending roughly fifteen minutes crouched on the floor of the shower from blinding waves of lightheadedness swarming his head, Todoroki cleansed his body of the filth of the day before. He couldn't recall what he'd thought about while showering, and nor could he recall what he felt.

With ungainly steps, Todoroki seated himself at the dining table where Mai and Fuyumi were eating crepes. He looked down at the crepe with strawberries drizzling streams of red into the whipped cream Todoroki suspected that Mai had added; it was swirled into a smiley face. Glimpsing at the suspected culprit, Todoroki reflexively smiled at how Mai giggled at him.

I wish Momo could see you right now... Todoroki sighed to himself while curling an arm around Mai and picking up his fork and knife. I wish she could see you grow. I wish...for so much, and all of those wishes are impossible. I wish that wasn't the case. But surely...there's always a chance you'll come back, right? He blinked as his smile evanesced into a memory. What are the odds that, in this world of billions of people, you were the one to die? Why me? Why you? Why? Why?

"So, who'd you stay with?" Fuyumi inquired before taking a bite out of the fluffy, golden-brown triangle on her plate.

Todoroki set his fork and knife back down. The bartender, I think. He was nice. I think he offered for me to stay. I still don't know how to feel about the fact that this all happened. It wasn't a good decision, but I'm glad things turned out fine.

Fuyumi nodded. "Do you think your drink was spiked?"

Todoroki shook his head. No. I think I drank them too quickly, and I forgot that I hadn't eaten. I definitely won't be having more than one drink anytime soon. He paused. I didn't want to get drunk. The last thing I want is to repeat the past, or do something I regret in front of Mai because of it. I just don't want her to grow up in a bad environment or around bad influences. I don't want to be the person that makes her childhood more difficult than it has to be. She already lost her mom.

Before lifting her head, Fuyumi's brows sank. "Are you still handling things okay? I know you know, but I'm always here for you, Shouto." She patted her brother's shoulder.

Todoroki nodded. I'm okay, Fuyumi. Thank you, he typed.

Even though I'm fully aware that I have people I can turn to, Todoroki realized while his sister took a sip from her glass of water, I still feel alone. It's almost like the more I'm reminded that I have people who love me, the more I feel obligated to keep everything to myself to avoid burdening them.

"I'm so glad you're my brother, and I'm glad to see you have your priorities set. But...please try not to do everything by yourself. If you're ever feeling down or just not up to doing things like you usually would, that's okay, but please tell me, okay? I want to be here for you. I know you never drink, so the fact that you suddenly wanted to... It just worried me a little bit."

You worried her, Todoroki snarled at himself. She's been here for you ever since you were born, and what are you doing in return? Getting drunk and abandoning her and your own daughter. You're no better than Endeavor. What would your wife think of you?

Then, Todoroki replied, I'm all right, Fuyumi. I'm still processing everything, but I'll be fine. He took his fork and knife up again and forced down a few bites of the crepe his sister prepared for him. Thanks for cooking. I think I'm going to rest again. And thank you for watching Mai.

With a smile, Fuyumi hummed, "Anytime!"

With that, Todoroki wrapped his arm around Mai once more before slinking off to his room upstairs. Once he began to scale the stairs, however, he felt his vision grow heavy with a white blur. He maintained his pace with ponderous steps, and the moment his hand touched the bed he shared with Momo, he blinked, forcibly expelling two rivulets of tears from his eyes.

Crawling onto the snow-colored sheets, Todoroki sharply inhaled as his chest began to spasm. He mopped up his tears with his cotton pillowcase, but his cheeks were met with another warm, salty downpour. With each breath in, Todoroki felt the cold, dry air of the room cut the back of his throat, and with each breath out, his chest and his throat quaked, jumbling his breaths into a staccato of miniature streams.

I don't even feel sad... Why do I keep crying after every little thing? This isn't at all like me. I never cry. I've always been able to control my emotions. I don't even feel anything. I don't want to be like this. I feel so weak and pathetic every time. I sob, and I can't even say why. I don't want anyone to see me like this. I'm not like this, so...why? Why is everything breaking me? Why am I like this? Why have I gotten so weak? Why won't the tears stop? I'm so tired of this. I'm so tired of being like this. I can't afford to be like this. I have to pull myself together. And yet, still, all I can see is a world drowning in my tears.

A ragged breath carried a wisp of Todoroki's voice on it as that breath escaped his throat. I should be at Mai's side, but instead, I shut myself in my room to be alone with my sorrow when I don't feel sad. I have so much I need to do, and every time I think about it, my mind shuts off, and I end up like this. I don't have time to be like this. No matter how many times I remind myself of that, I still... Todoroki closed his eyes in an attempt to force his tears to settle. I need to find a way to suppress whatever this is.

Then, Todoroki's heart froze when he thought, The quickest, most efficient way to do that would be to die. He blinked in silence, listening to his heart burn through his veins. I can't...do that. I don't want that. But... Would you be waiting for me if I did, Momo?