Silhouette | Suicidal Todoroki x Bakugou

31 | Face It

Shouto Todoroki

Like a wolf looming over its prey, Bakugou sibilated, "Tell me."

"TELL ME, SHOUTO."

Thud!

Todoroki instinctively shielded himself from Bakugou, acutely aware of the ramifications that he presumed would have followed otherwise. Yet, only silence ensued. Despite that silence, Todoroki was unable to discern if Bakugou was simply waiting for him to lower his guard.

Cautiously cracking open his burning eyes, Todoroki realized that Bakugou had not moved an inch. Rather than either a domineering smirk or a disparaging scowl blotting out Bakugou's neutral expression, however, there was a rippling stream of dubiety and pain emanating from him instead.

Fuck, was Todoroki's first thought as he squinted his eyes and felt his body begin to dissolve into the hospital bed. I didn't mean to do that, but I can't even trust him. Just detach. Just like you've been doing. Detach, repress, move on. No more breakdowns. No more breaking under the anxiety of it all. Whatever it takes to get me out of the psych ward the fastest once I get there. Oh. He's talking. Unresolved trauma? No, I resolved it on my own. My chest? No, we don't 'need' to do anything. I can get past it on my own. That's always how it's been. I am okay. I just don't want to be alive.

Accept that I need to hurt to be what I already am? I'm not letting myself be the pathetic person I was before. I do deserve this pain, though. So what if it's not normal? What even is 'normal' anymore when everyone has these 'abnormal' thoughts that therefore make us all abnormal, and yet... I'm suffering? How? How is this suffering? That's just an insult to those that have suffered. This is why I never wanted anyone to know about my cutting problem. Stop bringing it up. Stop pitying me. Stop giving me that sad look because you know the truth... Just treat me like you used to. When I first picked up a blade? I felt ashamed. Scared. Scared for many different reasons.

Todoroki offered up a slight shrug as he suddenly thought, I wish I hadn't broken the mirror, and I'd just...

"Dad! Dad, I thought you weren't coming back..." Mai gasped while running up to Todoroki in his hospital bed.

"Mai, I think your dad wants it to be quiet," Fuyumi remarked, stepping into the room with a sheepish smile.

Mai... Todoroki felt something convulse inside of him as he pointed to a nearby chair. I will never forgive myself for putting you through this. Don't cry. Don't cry over me, Mai. I can't...bear to see it. He lowered his eyes as Mai climbed onto the chair she'd pushed beside him and wrapped her arms around him. It hurts. It hurts so much. He closed his eyes when he felt another pair of arms embrace his body. It hurts so fucking much to be loved like this. Stop. Please stop... I don't deserve it...

Right... Just be the 'me' that doesn't want to die. In the burning silence singeing Todoroki's sternum, he reached his hands out to Bakugou. The 'me' that wanted this touch not to be broken by it, but to feel and give the feeling of being loved. The 'me' that I used to know. He smells like smoke. More like smoke than usual. Whose fault other than mine would it be? No matter what I do, I hurt everyone around me. Why? Even when I try to fix things, it somehow makes them worse. Why? Progress, stagnation, regression... All of it does more harm than good. Why? Why...

Finally, while massaging Todoroki's back, Bakugou murmured, "Try and remember. Don't push the memory away because it's painful. Face it. Remember." His warm breaths curled into Todoroki's grease-licked hair.