Silhouette | Suicidal Todoroki x Bakugou

18 | Tired

Shouto Todoroki

Roughly two months had passed, and Todoroki awoke to the soothing scent he'd grown accustomed to being greeted by every morning. Burnt sugar clung to his nostrils, but unlike the first week of waking up next to Bakugou, Todoroki had no desire to get up. Over the weeks, it was progressively more difficult for him to get out of bed, and on that day in particular, Todoroki was convinced that he wouldn't be able to sit up.

I've been sleeping so much, Todoroki realized while blinking slowly and staring vacantly at the wall. Why do I keep waking up more exhausted than before? I feel so weak. I get a workout in every day, and I'm eating more, but it's so easy to just go back to bed. When I do that, it's one step forward and two steps back. Why?

"Oi, Shu... You really don't eat a lot, and yer way thinner than when I first met you. Is that...like, a goal?"

No, it's not like that. If anything, I'm more afraid of being too thin. I'm just not hungry. I don't know why.

"Then you should get that checked out to make sure it ain't the symptom or start of somethin' major."

Todoroki glanced down at the sheets and let out a long sigh. To think I bulked up from being scrawny as a kid so I could take Endeavor's hits better... Now, here I am as an adult... He shook his head and brushed his fingers over the multiplicity of scars, scabs, and still-open cuts on his stomach. Ow. I'm running out of space on my stomach and hips. I've even done more on my legs and some on my upper thighs, but my body is used to it. I don't get the same feeling anymore, so I cut even more than I used to, and it's just...bad. It's so bad... I feel ashamed and pathetic every time I do it since I keep going back to it and can't stop or go a day without it, and yet, it just puts my mind in another place and makes me feel something different from whatever I'm feeling. Or, it gives me something to feel when I don't feel anything.

Don't you think something's wrong with you?

There's nothing wrong with me. How could there be? That would be saying my daughter isn't enough for me. I'm perfectly fine like this. As long as I have Mai, I couldn't be happier.

...said the man who's too depressed to get out of bed.

After another few minutes of listening to his thoughts bicker back and forth, Todoroki felt something graze his shoulder blade, and he heard the rustle of movement on the bed. Yet, he did not glance over his shoulder. Instead, he listened to Bakugou expel a sigh and pull himself upright.

The first time we slept together in bed...

"Kinda forgot to ask, but where do you want me to sleep?"

You can sleep with me, if you want.

"I can't tell what the tone of that is."

Oh. Just for sleeping. At least for now.

"Got it, but, oi... I feel like we should have this conversation: what're your boundaries for sex?"

Todoroki's chest tightened. I'm not really sure. I waited until after marriage with my wife. After we found out she was pregnant, we didn't do it again. Well, we did try for another kid, but it wasn't working out. I'm more open to the idea now, though. Is sex something you're looking for in a relationship?

"That so? And I mean, I don't prioritize it. I'm not in it for sex, but I'll take it if it's on the table. Never gonna force you or try to coerce you into it if you don't want it."

I'm so tired of waking up and getting up, Todoroki internally maundered while the subtle click of Bakugou's phone pinched Todoroki's ears. I don't want to. I can't right now. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to waste my time doing nothing, but I don't want to do a single thing. I just...