Silhouette | Suicidal Todoroki x Bakugou

13 | Bad Habits

This story is not intended to promote or encourage actions/behaviors such as self-harm or substance abuse.

Shouto Todoroki

Exhaustion clawed at Todoroki's soul like a serrated knife sawing into concrete. A bit over a month had passed since he'd fulfilled Bakugou's favor, and after picking up Mai from school, he scrubbed the mountain of dishes in the kitchen sink and broke a plate in the process. Then, after dinner, he managed to endure a third of the amount of exercise in what was once his daily routine before passing out on the floor.

Awakening from his slumber, Todoroki rubbed his head and let out a soft groan as he pulled himself upright. His neck and shoulders ached, and his head was permeated by a thick layer of fog. He reached for his metal water bottle and popped off the lid, gulping down the remainder of the icy water inside.

Why does it feel like nothing is real? cogitated Todoroki, who stood up and exited the room dedicated to exercising and exercise equipment. The world I see, the things I do, and even me... Nothing feels real. I feel transparent. He pushed open the door to the master bedroom, and he glanced around the empty room from corner to corner. I feel like every door and every hallway in this house is beckoning to me. I want to open this door and see Momo sleeping here. I want to reach the end of the hall and see Momo walking towards me once I turn around. It feels like she's everywhere. Like, if I wander around the house long enough, I'll find her...

Stepping into the cold air of the bathroom, Todoroki felt a vibration against his hip. He sighed and slid his phone out of his pocket, closing the bathroom door with his elbow.

Bakugou
How're you doing?

Shu
Good. You?

Todoroki set his phone on the bathroom counter and dug through the cabinets below for both his precision knife and bandages. I want to do it in a different place. Not on my arms, though. Proof that I'm alive... Proof that 'I' still exists... How do I find it? Can I find it? I don't know. He unsheathed the blade and lifted his shirt to the middle of his chest, pressing the slack fabric between his chest and arm. This proves to me that I'm a mistake.

Clenching his fingers around the handle of the blade, Todoroki pressed it to his warm flesh.

Yet...

With one brief slice of burning, numb conviction, Todoroki's hip was sliced open.

...it makes me feel like I did something right.

Pulsating adrenaline resounded through Todoroki's veins, and in that asphyxiating downpour of adrenaline, he squinted his eyes and cut across his stomach as well.

I know it's wrong, but it feels so right. Damn. It burns. I keep coming back to this, wanting more of an adrenaline rush, more cuts, more depth, more blood. It doesn't feel good, but it simultaneously makes me feel better and worse about myself. He could only sigh as he disinfected his cuts and bandaged them up. Why do I want something that's so self-destructive? Why does my brain crave something it hates? Why have I changed to like this kind of pain? Why does my brain not stop me? Why does it urge me to do it? Why did it put this option I'd trained it to reject back on the table? Why? He picked up his phone again.

Bakugou
I'm doing all right. Just dunno what to do. Expected to be busy all day, but I'm not.

Shu
Do you want to hang out over here?

It's kind of odd that it isn't weird between us, Todoroki thought while stuffing his blade and medical supplies back into the cabinet. I'd never invited anyone over before, and yet, I've invited him over four times now. I always feel...eager to get the chance to see him. Now that I think about it, we hang out a lot. But I don't think I'm attracted to men. Surely, I'd have felt something at some point if I was, right? All my life...I've only been interested in women. It would be weird if it changed. I think I just miss...feeling like there's someone who always loves me.