Silhouette | Suicidal Todoroki x Bakugou

17 | Admit It

A/N:
i swear this is the last chapter in this chunk of the story that revolves around todoroki figuring out his sexuality. the next chapter is back to the regularly scheduled angst.

Shouto Todoroki

A protracted sigh poured from Bakugou's lips. "Then it sounds to me like you got internalized homophobia or somethin'. What makes you not like the idea of being attracted to men?" His garnet eyes landed on Todoroki's hands.

Maybe, Todoroki replied while subconsciously basking in Bakugou's body heat. I've never felt a single romantic feeling towards any man before. My father also doesn't support the idea. But how could my interests suddenly change so late into my life? I don't even know if it's my interests. Something about you breaks the mold for me. Even after we first met, I felt a certain way about you. And giving myself the label of gay or even bisexual doesn't feel right.

Bakugou nodded. "Yeah, that does sound like a hella confusing situation. But our interests change over time, and you gotta be able to experience and explore. Heh. Just like how you explored my lips." He rested his hand on Todoroki's shoulder. "Am I just so hot I'm giving you a sexuality crisis?" He grinned, flashing his teeth.

Todoroki felt a faint smile tug at his lips. To say you're hot would be an understatement, but I feel like it's mainly just you being you that I like the most. I've never met anyone like you. But I know I'm the only one that can figure myself out.

A dash of red like hot pepper flakes sprinkled over Bakugou's cheeks. "Well damn. Hah, I don't even know how to respond to that. But don't worry too much about it. I know I said to start looking into it, and you should keep looking into it, but don't let it consume your life, 'kay?" With a firm nod, he let out a soft chuckle when Todoroki glanced away but rested his head against Bakugou's shoulder. "Aww, what, did I fluster your cute, dumb ass?"

A saccharine surge swam through Todoroki's blood as he thought, He's so sweet to me...and yet, he's still him. I really like him, but am I truly gay for him? That sounds like I answered my own question, but...is it really a romantic attraction, or is it just a kind of friendship I've been longing for? His heart leapt and kept itself high and aloft by its rapid, wing-like beats when he felt something soft run through his hair. I like his touch a lot too.

"Eh, should've asked first, but you fine with this?" Bakugou inquired, gently stroking his fingers through Todoroki's hair as the latter offered a nod. "Then what are you not comfortable with? Aside from the obvious—like, non-consensual shit, I'd assume."

Todoroki took a moment to ponder Bakugou's question. That's a good question. I guess I'm not comfortable with taking off any clothes or being touched under my clothes. That sounds weird to mention now when we've both done this, but while it felt good in the moment, going forward, I don't really want to be touched like that anymore. So, I apologize if you feel similarly. I won't do it again, unless you want me to.

I didn't think he'd feel the cuts, Todoroki thought while tilting his phone towards Bakugou. When he touched the bandage on my hip... I can't do anything right, so I have to deny him the right to that kind of touch. He wants it, and I want it too, but... Useless.

"You still don't understand? How useless are you?"

"Nah, don't apologize for shit. I don't care if or how you touch me." Bakugou's eyes flicked to the floor as something squinted and heavy painted over his eyes. "But yer basically comfortable with everything, so... Well, do you like getting all romantic and shit with me? And I don't mean platonic romance."

Yeah, I guess I do.

"If you ask me, that sounds hella gay."

Todoroki shrugged. I like it, but it's the idea of it being gay that makes me feel weird.

"So it doesn't feel weird that we're treating each other like boyfriends?" Bakugou received a nod.

And I don't know if I want to be considered gay.

Bakugou turned Todoroki's head so that the latter faced him. "Listen, doesn't matter if you want the label or not. If you like me and the gay things we've done, I think you should just admit that yer gay. Don't say you're not. Just admit it." His vermillion eyes did not waver.

All right, fine. I'm gay, and I'm gay for you.

"There ya go," Bakugou applauded Todoroki with a grin. "Be honest with yourself. Get a second opinion on shit, even. I know yer not really comfortable with being gay, but would you rather be in denial forever, or be uncomfortable for a bit before eventually accepting it and moving on? 'Cuz, let's make this clear: I didn't say 'accept it.' I said 'admit it.' You don't have to accept it immediately, and as things are right now, if you did, you'd probably be lying to yourself."

Todoroki nodded, pondering, I get that. I even admitted before that I was gay for him and probably just caught up in how foreign the idea was to me, but I denied it again. I wonder if he ever tried to deny it. But I feel like I'm pretty honest with myself. Maybe not other people, but I know myself best.

Then admit that you need help.

Todoroki's body tensed. I don't. I can make it on my own. I don't want to bother other people. There's nothing wrong with me. Others have it so much worse. I'd just be weak to even think my paltry 'problems' require outside help. He inhaled Bakugou's scent of sugar and smoke.

Don't you want to stop cutting?

I do.

Liar. You think that, and you recognize how it could hurt Mai, but you don't want to stop when it works every time, do you?

It's moments like these I wish I could drown out my thoughts with it.

Think about Mai. If she saw those scars, she would ask about them. You would either have to live with the pain of telling your six-year-old that her father cuts himself, or the guilt of lying to the person you love and value the most.

She won't know...

Nestled into Bakugou's warmth, hold, and scent, Todoroki closed his eyes and shifted his attention to the sound of Bakugou's heartbeat and breaths. He wanted to strangle his thoughts and wrap a tourniquet around his brainstem, but all he could do was coat his senses with Bakugou's intoxicating aroma.

If I'd cut deeper and bled out, I wouldn't have had to worry about anything, dread anything, or deal with anything...