Holding On

Chapter 25

Chapter 25

I must have slept while crying because I'm woken up by a knock on the door. "Come in," I call out to whomever is at the door. My head feels heavy as I lift it from the pillow and my face is itchy from the dried up tears. Lulu walks in with a tray of food in her hands and my stomach growls immediately when the aroma hits my nostrils. She smiles at me gently when she hears my stomach's reaction, although you can still see the pity in her eyes. "Sisi, I made you something to eat," she says to me as she walks further into our bedroom. (Sister) She's barely making eye contact with me, I guess she still feels guilty about her brother's outburst but in all honesty, she shouldn't. Siya reacted on his own accord, and no one is liable for his actions but him. "Thank you, nana. Please place it on the bedside table, I will eat after I've freshened up, okay?" I say to her sweetly. (Baby) She nods her head as I step out of our bed and make my way to the bathroom. I stand in front of the vanity and stare back at the woman in front of me. I look like a mess, my hair is scrunched up in a weird direction, courtesy of sleeping without tying it into knots, and my eyes are red and puffy, courtesy of the crying and the banging headache is a reminder of my dehydration caused by the crying. I sigh as the pang in my heart tightens, reminding me again of what transpired earlier. One of the things that I can't handle is being spoken ill of, makes me crumble immediately. You see, after we lost our father, our father's family emotionally abused my mother and constantly hurled hurtful words and profanities her way, blaming her for our father's passing while ridiculing her for struggling to take care of us although they are the ones that ripped us off the wealth that our father had left us. So anytime someone says anything remotely hurtful my way, especially something untrue, I can't help but go back to that nine-year-old who had to listen to her aunts and uncles bash her mother. This pain runs deeper than Siya calling me a whore.

I walk out of our bathroom when I'm done, and I find Lulu seated on her brother's side of the bed with her head bowed down. When she hears me step into the room, she raises her head and looks my way, offering me a faint smile, which I return. "I thought I should wait for you," she says to me as she fiddles with her hands. I don't know why she's nervous. "Thank you, Lu but there was no need," I genuinely say to her. She shouldn't feel the need to baby me, I'm a big girl and I'll be fine. "I didn't want you to eat alone, although I've already had my dinner," she continues to say. I nod in acknowledgement as I have nothing more to say to her. I make my way to our bed and climb on it, taking the tray beside me and placing it on my lap. I look at the offering before me and I salivate immediately. She prepared roasted duck and paired it with vermicelli rice, honey glazed carrots and mashed potatoes. I start digging in immediately before I hear her giggling, "Won't you say grace?" My eyes pop out of my sockets when I realize that I indeed didn't say grace. My mom would be so ashamed of me. Hayi wethu I'm hungry and emotional so umthandazo is the last thing on my mind right now. (No... Prayer) I'm not saying that it's a good thing to not pray when you're hungry or emotional, but I refuse to ridicule God mna, especially kule situation ndikuyo, ngengxaki yendoda engacubekanga. (Me, especially in the situation I'm in, with the problem of an unchaste man) "Shit. Okay masithandaze," I say to her as I lower the spoon in my hand, closing my eyes. (Let us pray) She blesses my food and immediately after we say "Amen", I continue to stuff my face with the mouth-watering food before me. Though I'm still very upset at her brother I can't help but wonder if he's back from wherever he stormed off to or if he's okay where he is. "Is he back yet?" I ask her in a whisper, completely avoiding her gaze. "Mxm. Why should you even care about him after all he said to you?" she questions me and, in all honesty, I also don't know why I care. No that's a lie, I do know why, it's because I still love him regardless of the fact that he hurt me. I know, I know. Stupid Nomzamo right? Ndanditshilo ndathi y'all should never send me to war with the other gender because I will lose, and this is yet another classic example of me letting the team down. (I did say) I look down and avoid her gaze and focus back on my food as she continues to say, "uBhuti is a grown ass man and he shouldn't have spoken to you in that manner no matter how upset he was. uTata didn't raise us like that." (Brother) I release a deep sigh and shut my trap when I realize how upset she is with her brother. I conclude that he's not back from wherever he is. Lulu gets up from the bed furiously and utters a "nxa" before walking out of our bedroom, slamming the door behind her, leaving me in complete silence. I guess slamming doors is another thing that they all have in common.
I finish eating and I take my phone that's placed on the bedside table and check the time which reads 19:27. I gasp in shock when I realize just how long I'd been passed out for. Yho umjolo uyandinyisa! (Oh, dating is making me see flames) I get up from the bed and head to the kitchen to drop off the tray and dish that Lulu brought with my dinner. I catch her watching some National Geographic in the lounge and I smile as I realize that we also have something in common. I place the utensils and tray in the sink and walk back to our bedroom to start packing. I want to take the first Avanza back to eNgcobo first thing tomorrow morning. I'm done with trying to be nice and understanding to Siya when he simply throws all my efforts right back in my face. "Lulu, please check that all windows and doors are locked before you go to bed, okay? I'm going to retire early tonight," I say to her as I peep through the door in the lounge. She turns her head my way and smiles when she sees me standing there before saying, "Okay, but don't you want to join me for some ice cream before you head to bed?" If it was any other day, I wouldn't mind however all I want to do right now is pack my shit and wait for the sun to rise so that I can go back to my sanctuary. "I'll have to pass nana. Maybe some other time?" I smile sweetly at her. (Baby) "Okay sisi, next time then. Good night and I'm sorry again about what happened this morning," she says to me, lowering her eyes in humiliation. (Sister) I walk further into the lounge and stand before, "Come. Get up and give me a hug," I say to her beckoning her with my hands. She looks up to me with a wide smile on her face and launches herself onto me, just like she did when she first saw me. "You did nothing wrong okay? You just have a crazy, obsessive brother whose brain cells fail to function sometimes, okay?" I say to her as I envelope her tighter in my embrace. I gently brush her back as she giggles at my statement while nodding her head against my chest. I soon release her from my embrace and peck her forehead. "Good night, Lu. I'll see you tomorrow, okay?" I say to her alreading walking away. "Good night sisi, sleep well. I'll see you in the morning," she responds, throwing herself back on the couch. (Sister)