Holding On

Chapter 40

Chapter 40

I'm stuck in a dark room. I can hear voices echoing somewhere close to me. I try to make out who they belong to or at least what they are saying but I fail. A part of me wants to call out to them and ask them to switch on the lights but my voice is trapped deep inside my throat. I try to wiggle my body to show some kind of life to whomever is close by, but I'm stuck in a state of paralysis. Panic seeps through my body as I realise that I have no control over my state of mind nor my physical being. Once again, I find myself gasping for air as I battle with filling my lungs with oxygen. Somewhere in the distance, I hear the machines beeping uncontrollably with voices shouting at the top of their lungs and once again, I'm consumed by darkness.

The beeping sounds of the machines bring me out of whatever oasis I was in and as I flutter my eyes open, I'm blinded by the piercing bright light from the sun's rays, and I immediately close them shut. I groan as the banging headache solidifies itself and makes itself known. I'm so frustrated and scared about what's happening to me, not just about the pregnancy news that I've just received but also about these panic attacks that just won't let me be. I know I'm the one who has control over them but it's not that easy. Seeing that opening my eyes is a mission and a half, I try shifting my body with the aim of pulling the blanket over my head to shield me from the sun's bright rays, but I fail. My entire left side is stiff and numb, almost like I'm paralysed or like something is sitting on it. I try wiggling my arm and my fingers but all I feel are pins and needles shooting through it. Panicked and scared, my tears start to trickle down my cheeks; what's happening to me? I drag my free arm towards my left with the aim of trying to determine what the cause of my numbness is. My hand lands on something warm and hard, and I immediately retract it back in place. What was that? I sit still, too scared to open my eyes. I wait for whatever is beside me to make itself known while I think of my next move. "Bhabha," a voice I'd know even in my deepest slumber echoes close to me. (Baby) As though struck by lightning, I tilt my head to the direction of the voice with my eyes now wide open, ignoring the banging headache and the brutally bright light that's piercing through my eyes and look towards the direction that the voice is coming from. Siya. He's lying next to me in this tiny ass bed, cradling me with one arm while the other is draped over my waist. I run my eyes over his entire body. He's lying on top of the blanket, with his legs crossed, dressed in sweatpants and a t-shirt. I spot his sneakers and hoodie placed neatly next to my bed. How did he find me? Also, when did he get here and how was he even allowed to sleep in here? I shove the questions to the back of my head and snuggle closer to him not believing that he's here with me. Unable to retain my tears, I let them flow like the river of Jordan and wail in relief and in sorrow. He tightens his hold on me, drawing me closer to him as I continue to bawl and cling onto him.

"Su'khala mkam," he pleads with me as tears continue to roll down my cheeks. (Don't cry my wife) I will myself to stop crying like a widow and calm down. He grants me all the time I need to settle down while gently rubbing my back, soothingly. After some time, I manage to control my tears with only my sniffles being audible. We lay in that position for some time, with neither of us saying a word. My head is filled with thoughts of what time it is, how a doctor or nurse could walk in this ward and find him lying on my bed and chase him out, while the most dominant thought is how I'm going to inform him of being pregnant. He shifts in his lying position and places me on top of him, looking at me directly in the eyes. Surely, he's forgotten that this is not his house. He chuckles when he sees how uncomfortable I am with how he's posed me on top of him, "Don't worry sthandwa sam, akho mntu ozosiphazamisa." (My love, no one will disturb us) I raise my brow looking at him, then around the ward and only then do I realise that I'm not in the same ward I was in before I blacked out. This ward looks exactly like the previous one except t this one is a private ward. My eyes bulge out of their sockets. How did I end up here? I mean I just fainted, there was no need for them to transfer me into a private ward, I'm not dying nor am I critical... I think. I can't afford to have a high out of pocket medical bill all because of privacy and comfort. I hope my medical aid is going to cover this expense.