The Light in the Darkness

Chapter 28:

It's been two days since I met with Roland. Between those two days I felt worse and worse. I feel like my past is creeping up on me again. I rolled out of bed, my body achy from the lack of sleep. I still haven't taken my night time medicine because I really didn't think I needed it, I did stop sneaking out though. There was still thirty minutes until breakfast so I sat at my desk, staring at an empty page of my notebook, thinking of what I should write.

-Hi,

I'm okay today, I think. I may be worse than okay. I feel the shadows of my past creeping up behind me; they are going to cover me once again. The demons came with them and they are stronger than ever. They are looking for a fight, looking to win. I'm just not strong enough anymore, I just might let them.

A few tears rolled down my cheek and stained the paper.

"Are you about ready to go, Zo?" B asked.

I looked up from my paper.

"Yeah, let me finish."

I went back to my notebook.

I haven't been sleeping very well. I'm so tired all the time. I can't do this anymore, I just can't I don't know what to do.

-Zoë

I closed my notebook and followed B out of the room. The halls were filled with other patients making their way to the cafeteria. I accidently ran into someone, she gave me a dirty look but I mumbled a sorry anyway and continued walking. B held on to my wrist so we didn't get separated in the chaos. We made it to the cafeteria in one piece.

"You want to get a seat before getting a tray." B asked.

"Yeah" I said, making my way to our usual table.

'Who's that?" B said, pointing.

I sat in my seat next to her and followed her finger to a tall, brown curly haired boy standing by himself. My heart stopped and then leaped into my chest.

"Mattie?" I whispered.

~~~

It's been a few days since I talked to Anne, I haven't even talked to Mattie. He hasn't been in school. My stomach churned, I know I fucked this up. I just have this feeling. How will Louis forgive me now? I ordered my food and took my seat in front of James. We skipped school at lunch today. I'm so tired of being there. I wish it would end already.

"Are you okay, J? You seem a little out of it?" James asked.

I looked at him.

"Yeah, I'm just in a weird mood."

The waitress came with my order and laid it in front of me. I mumbled a thank you and she left us alone.

"Have you talked to Mattie by any chance?" I asked, taking a sip of my tea.

"No, I haven't. Sorry."

I sighed. This is my entire fault. The bell to the door chimed as it opened. I looked up and the curly haired boy with the biggest smile on his face walked in and headed toward us, his green eyes were sparkling again. Anne followed closely behind him. I got up to greet them. Anne threw her arms around me in a tight hug. That's it, she's trying to kill me, and I just know it.

"Thank you." She said softly, her tears staining my shirt.

"What?" I said, mostly to my confused self.

"You really opened my eyes." She pulled away from the hug and looked at me with her hands still on my shoulders. "I now know that sending Mattie away will only make things worse; running away won't make anything better. Mattie needs Louis, you were right, I know that now. I don't want to take that away." She smiled.

I didn't know what to say. I can't believe any of this is happening, I'm just in shock. The bell to the door chimed again causing me to look up. Louis rushed in, out of breath.

"Is...it true." He said, catching his breath.

"Yes." Mattie said, smiling.

Louis embraced him and Mattie picked him up and swung him around.

"You're staying!" Louis said.

"I'm staying!"

Mattie put Louis' feet back on the ground and kissed his nose.

"Thank you so much, Jace." Louis said, smiling. "I wouldn't know how to repay you."

"You don't have too." I said. "I owe it to you."

He hugged me, happy tears filling his eyes.

I was happy to help Louis and Mattie but yet I still wish that was me. I know that makes me selfish but I miss her so fucking much. I wish she was home already.

***

"That's crazy." B said.

I got up and made my way to the mysterious boy, B close behind me. Something in my heart tells me it's him.

"Excuse me." I tapped on his shoulder. "M...Mattie?"

He turned around with a confused look on his face.

"I'm so sorry! I thought you were someone else." I said.

"Eh, I get that a lot." He grinned. "The names George."

He extended his hand.

"I'm Zoë." I shook his hand. "And that's Britney."

"Hi." She said softly.

"So, you're new here?" I asked

"Yeah, I got here about an hour ago." He said.

"Would you like to sit with us?" I asked.

"Yeah, that'll be great." He said, grinning. He followed us to out seat.

"Where are you from?" I asked, taking my seat.

"New Jersey." He said. He took the seat across from me.

"So, what are you in here for?" B asked.

"Um, I'm not quite sure I'm ready to say." He said.

"That's okay. We understand." I said, smiling.

"Let's get some food." B said, jumping up. "I'm starving."

***

"I've noticed you've been off lately." Dr. Phillips said when I walked in.

I opened my notebook to today's entry and handed it to him. He read through the entry a couple times and then looked up at me, sadness in his eyes.

"I'm ready to talk." I said softly

"Okay, you can start whenever you are ready."

He put my notebook on the table. He picked up a pen and his notepad; he usually took notes in and crossed his legs.

***

I started from the very beginning; the night of the accident, to my father's death and purple hair. I talked about Roland and how we used to be friends and how it changed. Dr. P listened intently, taking notes every now and then but not saying a word. I moved on to the new school and new bullies. I talked about me changing, Alex, the baby, Josh and Diamond. I kept talking, tears streaking my face. I mentioned my cuts and attempt suicide, which I knew he knew about, I just thought it was relevant. I ended it with the truth of Roland; I just left Britney out of it. I knew I would get in trouble for sneaking out but it had to be told. I finished talking and laid back. My heart is pounding with tears still falling.

"Thank you." He said, softly. "That was a very bold and brave thing to do, I'm proud of you. The session is over, I will go over my notes and I'll see you tomorrow."

"Thank you." I said, smiling.

I left the room feeling lighter than I did when I walked in. A ton weight has been lifted off my chest, my heart wasn't as heavy. I can breathe easier, think easier. I feel better. Amelia was right, you do actually feel better. I made my way down the hall to my room to find Britney.

"Zoë." Someone whispered.

I stopped and looked around, not seeing anyone. I shrugged and continued walking. Maybe this lack of sleep is getting to me, I'm hearing things.

"Zoë!" The voice said louder. Someone grabbed my wrist and I squealed as I got pulled into a closet.

"Shh, it's me." That voice was so familiar but hushed.

The light clicked on and I was staring at the face of Roland.

"Roland! What are you doing?" I said, through gritted teeth.

"I needed to talk to you!" He said quietly.

"You've said enough!" I don't want to talk to you." I said. I reached for the door handle.

"Please." He put his hand over mine, which still rested on the handle. "Just hear me out."

I sighed. "Okay."

I stood there, my hand still on the handle, he didn't remove his hand.

"Listen, I know what I did to you in the past is unforgiving and I'm so sorry, I truly am. If I could change the past I would. I would have chosen you over my brother. I'm not asking for forgiveness but I would like to be friends."

My stomach tightened up when I saw the sadness and guilt in his eyes.

"I don't think I can, Ro. Look, I'm tired of holding a grudge. Since I've been here I learned that dwelling on your past won't help you get better. I forgive you but I will never forget it. I'm ready to move forward. I'm done hating you but I don't think I could be your friend yet. It'll take time. I'm sorry."

He removed his hand from mine and cupped my face. I pulled away.

"I understand. I'm okay with that." He smiled. "I do wish I could change the past, Zoë."

"I don't. No matter how fucked up my life has been, it brought me to Jace, my love, my life and my light through this neverending darkness."

"Well, Jace is very lucky to have you."

"No, I'm lucky to have him." I said.

I turned and left the closet with a smile on my face. Dr. P would be proud of me for standing up to some of my past. I'll have to tell him tomorrow.

***

"Wow, someone looks a lot happier than before." B says when I walk into the room.

"I am. I've had a good morning."

I told her about my session with Phillips and how Roland pulled me into a closet.

"Wow." She said,

"Don't worry; I left you out of it."

"Thank you but you didn't have too, you shouldn't have."

"No, it's okay." I said smiling. "Come on, we got to meet George for lunch."

***

"Hi, I'm Zoë. I'm seventeen and I've been battling eating disorders and self-harming."

"And how are you?" Group leader Tracy asked.

"Oh, I'm good." I smiled.

"Good." She winked.

Every day we have to introduce ourselves, name, age, the reason we are in here and how we are. Same old shit but a different day. We usually get new people every day and at least one released. Tracy will go through all of us one by one, starting with me but I never knew why I always went first. That's the first time I've said I was good since I've been in this place. She moved on from me, to Britney.

"Hi, I'm Britney, I'm eighteen, I'm battling with self-harming and I'm okay."

One person named Jill is sixteen and very suicidal, instead of being okay like everyone else, she said she rather be dead. Others ranging from sixteen to twenty were okay, or no comments. George was the last to speak.

"Hi, I'm George. I'm seventeen and I'm a suicidal addict." He grinned. "I'm addicted to being suicidal; it's what I live for."

"And how are you?" Tracy asked.

"I'm just taking it day by day, love." He said, cracking a smile.

George is very charming. That's one of the first things I noticed about him. He's also extremely funny. The three of us together put on a good laugh for the group. We make the others laugh which they probably needed. I even made Jill crack a smile or two. I think group leader Tracy was having a hard time breathing from laughing too hard. I liked being able to make people laugh. It felt good to be laughed with instead of laughed at; we took turns sharing a story. I found out I had a lot more in common with the others than I thought, it made it easier to talk to them.

***

"Zoë, can you stay after for a second?" Tracy asked.

"Yeah, sure," I said, sitting back down.

"We'll wait for you in the hall." B said,

I flashed a nervous smile at her and nodded. She left the room, followed by George.

"Am I in trouble?" I asked.

"No darling, you aren't in trouble." She said, chuckling. "I wanted to tell you that I am proud of the progress that you are making." She sat in front of me. "You did a lot of speaking today, more than you've had since you've been here. I'm proud of you. They all seem to be taking a liking to you. I'm glad you made a few friends."

"Thank you so much ma'am."

"Keep it up, love." She smiled. "You can go now."

Thanks again."


I felt great. I felt even greater that I made Dr. P and Tracy proud of me. If I keep it up then I know I will get better faster. I'll be out of here in no time. I'm happy for once, I'm truly happy. I'm seeing everything more clearly now. I'm just steps closer to recovery.