Sanity vs. Soulmate | JeongCheol

7

A tap on my shoulder made my head turn. Jihoon was back already.
He must have seen my surprised look and gave me a cheeky smile.
"I told you I'd be quick."
He handed me a steaming cup with little ducks on it.
"Here you go. I thought it might help."

This man was incredible. I had missed him so so much.
"Thank you Jihoon."

"It's nothing. Now, you wanna tell me why you cut us all off back then?"

I sighed. I should have known. Jihoon is no guy to procrastinate matters. He'd always take care of them right away.
I have to explain myself anyways. I might as well get over with it already.

"This will most likely take some time", I warned him, but he just shrugged it off.
"I have time. Soonyoung isn't coming until later this evening. That should leave us with more than enough time."
"Soonyoung?" Was this a friend of his? Or maybe his boyfriend??
"I'll tell you later..."
Okay then. I guess I had to go first...

"I'll start at the beginning if you don't mind. Do you still remember how I used to talk about becoming a singer? That was my one big dream, my one wish for the future. I always thought it could be my destiny to sing.
And then I got sick.
Everyone thought it was just a normal cold, but it turned out to be a bit more than just that. I don't know if anyone had told you about what I was ill with?"

Jihoon nodded his head. "It was the Measles, wasn't it?"
I hummed in agreement.

"Measles is actually more common among young children and people above 20 but I guess I was one of the lucky exceptions. No wait, I said it wrong! Let me correct that. Severe consequences and symptoms are more common among those mentioned age groups. Especially for babies it can be quite fatal. That's why we get vaccinated. But a vaccination is never fully immunising...
Well, I don't want to drag this out unnecessarily so let's cut it short. Measles can sometimes lead to so-called 'sensorineural hearing loss', SNHL, which can be anything from mild to total. As you might have guessed: I get to deal with the total loss of hearing. Which is also a rather uncommon case. Lovely. It's just... lovely."

I took a sip from my tea to get some time to regain my composure. Thinking about all of this still left a bitter taste. I somehow came to terms with my deafness by now. But that didn't make the memories any less painful. It was just so damn frustrating!

"The doctors told me I could get an implant. They told me, I would be able to hear again..."
I trailed off as my eyes started to water. Come on, Jeonghan. You can do it. Stop crying ffs!!

"Anyways, they were wrong. The operation failed. My body didn't accept the implant. And that was that. Now...", I took a deep breath, wiping away the stray tear on my left cheek, before I dared to glance into Jihoon's direction. His eyes were fixed on something on the floor and his forehead was wrinkled in concentration.
I averted my gaze again and continued: "After the failed operation I locked myself in my room. I couldn't even begin to comprehend what all of this meant. Everyone had been so confident about the operation. My parents, the doctors, me... We all expected a positive outcome. Failing had never been an option. Hearing implants are so advanced nowadays....
We... I... I really thought everything would go back to normal. But it didn't. And that crashed my whole world."

I took another short break. To my surprise Jihoon reached for my hand and squeezed it. I felt a warm feeling spreading through my whole body. I had forgotten how nice even such a simple touch could feel.

"I didn't talk to my parents during this time either. I shut everyone out. I was overwhelmed and overthinking. I couldn't bear to deal with anyone beside myself.
My parents told me later, after I finally left my room again, that you guys had come to visit regularly. I hadn't known. But even if I would have: it wouldn't have changed anything. It was all too much at that time.
Not hearing meant no more music. You know just how important music had been to me, still is if I might add. Listening to songs, playing the bass, singing... it was all such a big part of myself and I wasn't ready to give that up already. I had envisioned my perfect future so many times. I would become a famous singer, not too famous, just enough to have a nice audience and enough money to survive. I would stand on this huge stage, smiling, laughing, doing what my heart desired most: singing. And I would be happy. But then I lost my hearing and had to watch all my dreams crumble to dust.
During those weeks in isolation I did two things. I screamed until my throat was burning and I sang. But it was no use. I couldn't hear whether I hit the high notes or if I was completely off beat. I couldn't hear myself at all. It was so frustrating. I tried again and again. But nothing changed. My hearing was lost to me and so was music and the sounds of the world. "

So dramatic...

"I didn't want to learn sign language in the beginning. I didn't want to learn lip reading either, and believe me, it's an absolutely horrifying thing!! No one should have to read lips! Do you know how bad people are at talking? It's unbelievable! Really!!"

At this I dared to look at Jihoon again and found him laughing.

"Back to my story. My parents, especially my mom, were over enthusiastic. After finally having me out of my room, she tried to teach me everything to make my life less difficult in a matter of days. And I appreciated the effort. I really did. But she went a bit overboard with it. She signed me up for a special class for people with hearing disabilities and bought a ton of books about sign language and so on... She even cooked with special herbs in order to help with the regaining of my hearing.
But at the same time, she'd always have this look in her eyes. It was so pitiful and sad and full of regret and awkwardness and helplessness. I couldn't stand it. It was all too much. Too much attention, too much fuzz, too much carefulness. My parents were watching every step I took, as if I could break down any second. It felt like they were waiting for me to shatter.
It only took a couple of hours to pack all my things and leave. I left a note on the table, stating that I would live with my aunt from now on because I didn't want to bother them any longer. My aunt had always complained about being all alone anyways, so I figured she wouldn't mind. And that was that.
The note wasn't a complete lie. I didn't want to burden them. I wanted them to be happy. And that wasn't possible at that time. With me, like... this."

"This might sound awful, but I always thought they were secretly glad that I took matters into my own hands and moved out. They probably couldn't stand watching me struggle with everything and giving up over and over, just as much as I couldn't watch them pity me. I think leaving was the best thing I could do at that time. I was suffocating in my own home."

I stopped for a second and squeezed Jihoon's hand. He squeezed back and spared me a an encouraging smile.

"You probably still don't get why I cut you all off. And that's because it's hard to explain. I wanted to be alone. I lost such an important part of myself. My whole world collapsed and I just couldn't take the outstretched hands in front of me. I didn't know who I was anymore. With music gone, with my dreams burned to ash, with my world gone silent, I didn't see the path ahead anymore.
I just wanted to be alone. I didn't want to deal with explanations and pitiful looks. I still wanted to meet and joke and interact with you guys as I did before my illness. But I knew it would be impossible. So I rather cut off every contact, changed my phone number and moved schools, than meeting you again and having to see those same emotions in your eyes, as my parents' eyes had held.
I just couldn't bear it. And I am so sorry!!"

By now my throat felt too tight and it was only a matter of time until all my walls would break and I'd cry until god knows when.

"It's not that I never missed you guys. In fact, I've missed you every damn day. But when I realised what I had got myself into, it was already too late and I thought I should at least have the decency to leave you all alone after being such a bad friend and a first class asshole.
I... I really really am sorry. For everything. For leaving you. For not staying away. For showing up today. For being selfish. For not recognising you right away. It's just... you are so... small..."

"Jeonghan, you really had to ruin everything with that last sentence of yours, didn't you..."

I grinned sheepishly.

"Where's the lie though? To be honest, you remind me a bit of a dwarf with that angry wrinkle on your forehead and everything..."

I giggled but started to choke on it once I noticed Jihoon's fierce stare on me.

Oh oh... Not good.