Sanity vs. Soulmate | JeongCheol

22

"I'm not..." I mumbled.
Jisoo raised his eyebrow.
That behaviour right there is the exact reason why I tried not to make my crush this obvious from the beginning. I'm actually surprised they survived leaving me alone for this long. I would have expected them to bring the whole thing up earlier.

By the way, when exactly did all of them start to focus on me again?? Their eyes are literally burning holes into my skin! Give me a break god damn it.

"Did he just say he is NOT denying his crush?" "I think he did..." "We probably just imagined things. Or he is trying to trick us so we would leave him alone while he is DEFINITELY denying his love for his Soulmate..."
I let my smile drop and gave them a stern look. This is getting tedious.
"I can hear you, well read your hands, you know?" Idiots. "But to answer your question. I'm not really denying my crush..."
"Did you hear it, did you hear it?? He said 'really'!! He is trying to fidle his way out of this conversation..."
"BOO SEUNGKWAN!! This is my last warning! I'm still your Hyung. Interupt me again and you'll regret it!!"
"I think he means it..."
"DAMN RIGHT I DO!"

I took a deep breath. Calm down Jeonghan. Calm down.

"As I was saying, I am not trying to deny any crush here. I know well enough that I'm on the best way to fall head over heels for a complete stranger. And don't even think about starting this Soulmate conversation again." I stared right at Jun who had already opened his mouth to say something but closed it again soon after. Smart guy.
"The problem isn't that I am denying having a crush. I just don't want all of you to start the whole shipping thing at the moment. Don't come up with any names, don't try to get me to confess to him the next time I get to see him. Don't read into everything. Just... leave me and my little crush alone for now, okay?"

I have never seen so many confused faces at once. I might have to explain that again...

"I... ughh... I don't know how to explain this properly. It's just... Everything happened so fast...
Years of silence and BAM a person I can hear just magically appears. Years without friends and TABAM eight crackheads at once. No major crush for ages and TATADABAM there's Seungcheol just existing. Basically no human interactions or physical touch since my childhood and TATADABIGBADABAM I'm getting hugs and people to talk to. And most of this happened within two days!! It's just..." I ran my hand through my hair "Everything happened so fast. I can barely keep up, let alone believe this is really happening and not some fucked up dream. I can't deal with my romantic feelings towards Seungcheol at the moment! I know I have a crush. Believe me I do. I've never met anyone as handsome as him. Of course I would fall for him in a second. But I... I just can't deal with that right now. I've got enough other things on my mind at the moment. For example that I can FREAKING HEARE HIM!!! I'm still confused!! What the hell is going on??!!! I don't want to be confronted with worries about my love-life in addition to all that.
Is he straight or is he gay? Does he have a partner? Am I good enough for him? Should I ask him out on a date? What should I wear? Am I too weird? How am I supposed to tell him about the whole being deaf thing? Do we look cute together? Will his parents like me? Will they accept me despite all my baggage? Will HE accept me? God, what if hates me? What if he thinks I am too much to handle?
It's an endless chain of questions and once I allow myself to think about one of those the rest will just ... follow or whatever. And I just really, really, REALLY can't deal with this right now. And you making up ship names and cross-examining me won't help at all!! It's just bringing out all those thoughts and I'll start overthinking and I did so much overthinking during the last two days, what am I saying, the last fucking YEARS. I am so done with it. I can't take it right now... So please... Please just... don't. Not at the moment... I'll roll with whatever happens. I've kinda asked him out already anyways. I'll think about the rest when it comes up. But... not now. Okay? It's just too much. TOO FUCKING MUCH!! I've barely talked in the last years, I've never really come to terms with being deaf. I've given up hope! And then..." I rubbed my eyes. I felt so drained. I just wanted to sleep at this point. Curl into a ball, hide under my blanket and never come out again. "It just happend so fast... So damn fast... And I don't get it, you know? I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT'S HAPPENING HERE!! All of this... IT IS SO FUCKING SURREAL!! This shouldn't be happening!! How can I hear him??" My voice turned into a whisper. "I just... I need some space left in my brain, some place to catch my breath. I don't want to suffocate in my own head. Not again. I am too used to that feeling and I hate it. Just... give me a break please. At least from the crush part. I'm still trying to understand how I ended up sitting here among all of you, just like in old times. I know I've been an asshole and you must be struggeling to trust me again. I know I hurt you all and yet you're just... you're just..." At this point I couldn't hold back my tears anymore. Slowly they made their way down my cheek but I didn't car anylonger. "You're being so nice to me and listening to me and giving me hugs and making me feel welcomend and... and... just please... don't make me deal with this one part... Please..." I took a shaky breath. "All it takes is one more thing... One little thing and my brain will explode... I know it... It will explode... Puff... Done... Finished..."

I tilted my head back, trying to focus on the ceiling to make my tears stop running down my face. But it didn't help. I moved my head again, looked at my friends. There was so much to read on their faces. So much I couldn't decipher at the moment. My thoughts were a mess. I felt so lightheaded and yet everything was numbed by thick white fog.

"Hey, hey. Hyung, it's okay. We got you! We got you..." Jisoo rushed over and pulled me into the tightest hug. His hands rubbed soothing circles over my back while I was holdlessly crying into his chest. Shit. I had said so much more than I wanted to. And it was such a mess. I was a mess. But all those thoughts had been floating around my head and wanted to get out. So I let them... The guys must think I am weak, pathetic, a crybaby, not able to handle myself. And I know I am. That's not the point. I just... I can't handle this anymore. I just can't. Not on my own. I needed to get this all out. I had to.

And as if he had heard my thoughts Jisoo lightly pushed me away from his chest, just enough so I was able to read his lips. "It's okay. We got you. You are not alone. We will get you through all of this. Together. You're not on your own anylonger. We've got your back. That's what friends are for."

And that was all it took to get through that thick fog in my head. He was right. I wasn't alone anylonger. I had friends. My seven fish and my tiger. I was not alone anymore. Not. Alone.
I kept repeating those words over and over until I finally calmed down.
And than I did something I hadn't done in a very long time. I closed my eyes. I know what you're thinking, but I didn't just close them for a short moment to gather my thoughts or because I was blinking. I closed them to block everything and everyone out. To be alone with myself. To sort things out.

When you're not able to hear, the second you close your eyes the world simply disappears. There is nothing there except black nothingness.
It used to scare me. I hated to go to sleep because I was never sure whether the world would still be there when I opened my eyes again. This total absence of sounds made me think that I was all alone. Just me and the darkness. Nothing around us. Not in the good way. It feelt like walls were coming closer, even though I couldn't see them. I was falling and falling, always afraid to hit the ground. I wanted to curl up into a ball and hide, but there was nowhere to I could go. Just this allconsuming darkness, the whispers and shadows, the monsters in the dark. And me. All alone, lost in space, lost in my head.
There were times when I longed for this place, when I ran away from reallity and life. But it never did me any good. I just felt even more alone and trapped than before. One of the worst feelings ever is being trapped in one's own head because you're never able to escape. So I tried to avoid closing my eyes as much as possible.

Today wouldn't be like this though. Because today I wasn't alone anymore. I had eight anchors in this world. They wouldn't disappear just because I shut my eyes. I won't fall down into this blackness. I won't be alone. Not today.
As I closed my eyes it felt different from the start. I wasn't surrounded by the stifling darkness as I usually was, while I hurtled down in free fall. Instead I felt like levetating in space, nothing and no one around me. Just me, myself and I. And there was this incredible calmness. Soothing and peaceful. And I could feel them. All of them. Somewhere in the back of my head. They were all there. Jun and Hao, Seungkwan and Vernon, Seokmin and Jisoo, Soonyoung and Jihoon. I wasn't alone. And that's when I finally realised. Everything was gonna be alright. One way or another. I. Was not. Alone.

I opened my eyes. Finally I was able to breath again.

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Hiiiiiiiiii,

So first of all: Thank you for reading <3

Secodly to those of you who didn't see it yet:
My updates will become more irregular as I'm currently studying for my exams. I'll try to update once a week though. Fighting!

And lastly: Chapter 21 and 22 were originally one chapter in case you're confused. I never inteded it to be this long. Just a little more and I could have split them in three parts... It just got out of hand. Also, I really struggled with this one. Blame it on university if you want, but I had a lot of problems finishing this chapter. I hope it turned out okay in the end. Especially the last few paragraphs went feral... They were way shorter in the beginning. I just hope I didn't destroy the rest of the chapters with those... wild ones... XD

Have a lovely week, look forward to BSS comeback and stan Seventeen!!