Late night drives

XXXVI : After

" And that's all for today's class."

A fraction of a second after the bell announcing the end of the lesson rings. While almost all the students get up at the same time, smashing their chairs against each other. A wink Ms. Clarke is standing in front of my desk. Right. We we are on the eve of exams. There are only a few days left until Christmas. We have finished the preparatory quizzes and we must focus on the next few days. but I can not. Not a word of what was said today stuck in my head, too busy rehashing all the events from last night.
Back to the starting point I still don't know who the culprit is. neither version is credible. I don't know who to believe anymore. I do not know what to do. I drop onto the table, slapping my forehead. I hardly feel the pain.

" Matthew you thought about our conversation?"

" Oh Ms. Clarke. Yes I did."

" The exams are starting next week.  Are you prepared?"

" Yes. Yes. I am.. working on it actually."

" You do look tired."

" To be honest I haven't been getting proper sleep."

" Resting is just as important as working.   We don't want you to black out in the middle of your exams. "

" I will get some rest. Thank you. "

I pick up my belongings scattered on the table and slip them into my bag getting ready to leave.

" Matthew you're a brillant kid. With a lot of potential. Don't waste it."

I nod while maintaining a forced smile.

" Do you know what you wanna  study after?"

What I want to study. After? We're one trimester in the last school year. Two trimesters left. SIX MONTHS. It's enough enough to start thinking about it. No. I know that it's not. Most colleges are beginning their registration exams in January. I only have a few weeks left. What am I saying a few days left. It's Christmas after all.

" I applied for the University of Lys in the neighboring province."

That's a lie.. I did not although I have seen the papers. It was my mother who organized everything. However we still haven't discussed it. Does she think she will keep this secret for a long time?

Ms Clarke's face lights up as I finish my fake answer. It's good news.

"I have some contacts there. I'm sure you can handle it very well. "

Even though I lied to him, his moments of encouragement warm my heart. my mornings tingle and my eyes begin to blink frantically. I give her a last smile before leaving the class. She waved at me a little as I walked down the aisle.

What do you want to study after? I've never taught about it. What do I like? I don't even know ? Cars? I like to race. That I am sure of it. I like long drives during the night. I like to drive all night with the stars shining in the sky. Under the vibrant moonlight. But do I want to do that for the rest of my life? I cannot quite picture it.
I let go of a long sighed. Thinking about such things is absurd at time like this. I have to focus. I will know when the time comes. I have to stop thinking about it. This is far from my priority. My only priority now is to honor my promise.
The promise that I made to Ricky almost three years ago. It took me so many years to have the courage to make it happe.
Now that I am so close to the goal  everything seems to be falling apart.

I stop on the sidewalk. What do I do now ? Before even having found my answer I receive a message.

Silver: "Are you going to Ash's this afternoon?"