Late night drives

XXXVIII : Guilt

How long has it been?

I can hardly keep my concentration. distracted by his warm breath that I feel against my ear. Kim quickly takes me by the hand and pulls me in the opposite direction. At the same time, a torrent of rain pours down on us. That's the cherry on top. Perfect. Rain makes everything more dramatic, doesn't it? We run for our life until we reach Kim's car. Once we arrive in front of the doors
we are out of breath and completely soaked. I hesitate a moment before getting into the car. As we seat, I burst out saying. This day maybe even more surprising. Kim looks at me in astonishment. He must think that I went crazy right after running under the downpour. I am not. That's what I am trying to convince myself at least.

" I am not going crazy, don't worry..." I try to reassure him with a low voice.

He nods however he doesn't answer. He just starts the car and hits the accelerator hard. We continue the journey in this same silence. Until to my surprise, he broke that silence first.

" What do you want to do after?"

" I-.." The question is slightly different this time. Nonetheless, I still do not know this answer. It's about what I want. I do not know what I want. How could I even know what I want? To know what I want I should at least know who I am. I doubt very much that I do. How come? It's been eighteen years. I have been living in this body for nearly twenty years. Approximately six thousand five hundred seventy days. And I can not even figure out what I am.
All my answers have been shattered the night I lost. That night a part of me died as well. As long as I could remember I have always spent my life with Ricky. I did not even know that they're could be a time when he wouldn't even be by my side. I didn't expect it to be so soon.
When my father left I heard my mother crying alone in the kitchen next to the living room. We were pretending to be asleep on the couch, Ricky and I. He heard it too. However, he did not let me turn around. I could only see his face. His reassuring and gentle expression. He slowly put his hands to cover my He was there for me and he would always be. That's the promise he made. And that's the promise I couldn't keep.
I sometimes ask myself did I ever..? Was I ever here for him?

I have the opposite impression that I was only there for him causing trouble. he covered me, protected me, defended me, and loved me. But I never gave him the same treatment. All I did was cling to his heels, like a pathetic crybaby. Without any personality. None other than the one I wanted to copy for my brother. I wanted to do everything like him. to have everything like him. To do whatever he does. It seemed like his life was gradually becoming mine. Yet he never got tired of me. He never knows how to get angry even if it was blatant that I copied him. Curiously he seemed amused and he continued to bring me along to all his activities. I was happy to be with him. When I was asked, what I wanted to do? Who I wanted to be in the future. my one and the only answer was my brother. I never understood why everyone around found it cute, as they said. Ah, brotherly love, they commented. They were all proud of my brother and congratulated him. He was a good example they thought. My mother was very happy at the idea that I wanted to follow in my brother's footsteps. She wouldn't have to worry anymore. My brother was a child without problems. Studious, talented, respectful, helpful... Perfect. A whole role model. How not to want to be like him? It wouldn't be silly.

I look out the window. The rain droplets run down the glass wall. Slowly the sky becomes clearer. It is not as cloudy as before. The weather is clearing up and seems to be reflecting on my mood as well. My tense body relaxes progressively. Despite having regained a certain serenity the silence is so intense that I can hear the very rhythmic beats of my heart. I turn quietly to Kim. Can he hear too?
it doesn't seem though. He is completely focused on the road. I lose myself admiring his profile. Her long eyelashes beat in a steady rhythm, theirs from a few roadside signs reflecting on her nose and lips. His jaw is relaxed.

" Don't you think I look cool ?"

" What? Whatever ?" I mumbled turning right around. It hurts my core to admit that he does. I have seen him drive before. That's the second time I have been in his car. Who would have thought? I would be in this car. The same one I desperately wanted to burn a few months ago. Why? Simply because it was his. Now I am sitting here looking at him while he's driving. The serious expression on his face accentuated his sharp traits. What am I even saying? The overwhelming situation must be to blame. There's no way I would have thought something as silly with a proper amount of sleep. Nevertheless, my head slightly turn towards him again, my eyes gradually running down his arms to his left hand gripping the steering. wheel. With his sleeves rolled up his forearms seemed more visible, I followed with my eyes green traces similar to the trajectory of the race courses.

I doubt it's my thoughts I must have been contaminated by the number of groupies who hovered around him. because yes, in addition to being invincible, he had the reputation of being irresistible. He did not seem inclined to maintain a relationship. I've never seen him in a row with one of them. To wonder if he was interested. It was too blatant that he was doing it just to please his ego. I always looked at him when he walked away with one. Fighting the urge to follow them. He turned around as if he knew I was watching him, giving me an indescribable half-provocative, half-seductive look. Then he continued on his way ignoring me his umpteenth future conquest hanging on his arm. I just wanted to scratch his eyes out. he had no shame in appearing like this. He also had no problem getting rid of them right after. For him, it was just a fad to pass the time when he was bored between two races.

Just as I was about to open my mouth to speak the car stopped. we had already arrived. I can't explain why I felt disappointed at that moment. To tell the truth, I didn't understand much about what was happening to me lately.

" You don't have to worry about your car. I will get it back later."

" It's fine."

After opening the door we entered the house. I started to sneeze constantly as my body was shivering. The current situation wouldn't be a good time to catch a cold. Although what did I expect after running under such a downpour?

" It'd be better if you take a hot bath."

I look at him, surprised and confused.

" Who are you?" I exclaim.

He shakes his head with a smirk and an amused look. I'm starting to wonder about his identity.

A few minutes later, I find myself in the tub in a nice hot bath. The steam from the water spreads throughout the room it looked like a sauna. Although I have never been to one, I did see them on TV a couple of times. Even the mirror is covered with fog. I enjoy a few extra moments in my bath. The muscles in my body are now relaxed. This reassures me slightly. I wish I felt like that more often.

I stay in the lukewarm water and my ideas are starting to wander all over the place. Until my mind stops on the situation with Ash. What did he mean by all his innuendo about Kim? He seems to know a lot more things. What did he not tell me?

Little by little my headache started again. Therefore I finally get out of the bath. I run through the toilet of the eyes. No towels, I don't see any on the horizon. And my clothes are all soaked it would condemn me to pneumonia to put them on again. I hesitate to get out of the water. When suddenly the door opens.

_______________________________________
Thank you for reading !!!

Kim said someone was following them? Who could that someone be?

On another topic Kim's development is insaaaannee. To the point we could ask ourselves is he really the same person?

Could that talk about Ricky aa Matthew's brother changed something? For better or for worse?

And the raining scene... very interesting.

After that day do you think will Matthew's opinion on Kim will change? Will he grow to see him for more than a mere egoistic?

See you next week.

Vicky❤️