“Where did you go in those months that you went missing?”
Nanatili akong nakayuko habang nakaupo sa sofa. Umuwi muna kami ni mom dahil baka magising si Dad. Mom kept on asking me questions as she also tells me how stupid I was.
“Are even thinking?” She asked once again. “Napakababaw ng dahilan mo para maisipan mong umalis at magtago sa amin ng dad mo.”
Nangilid ang luha ko at saka mapait na napangisi. Mababaw? Halos mamatay na ako sa pagkakasakal nila sa akin tapos. . .mababaw?
“You just have to marry the man-”
“And I don't want to, mom,” I interjected. “T-this is going to be my marriage. Can I have a say on this?”
Saglit siyang natigilan at parang hindi makapaniwalang napatitig sa akin. She seems so surprise that I said those words. Well, if it were the same Ricca as before, I would have just agreed and said yes to her but that's. . .not just how it is right now.
Umiling siya at muli na naman sanang magsasalita nang tumunog ang kaniyang cellphone.
He turn to me for a moment. “Reflect on those decisions that you made and look at your father's condition, Ricca Avery.” Mariin na sabi niya. “We took care of you and gave you everything you need and is this how you repay us? Send your father to the hospital and let the company suffers?”
Natulala na lang ako sa kawalan at hindi na nakapagsalita. She left as she talks to someone over the phone. Nang tuluyan nang makaalis si mom ay saka lang kumawala ang aking hikbi. Hindi pa natatapos ang isang araw ay pagod na pagod na ako agad. I am so drained and tired and I just want to rest so badly.
Do I really have to repay them for all those things the gave me? Why do I feel like they are obliging me to do those things so I could repay them for all their money, effort, and time that they put into me? Hindi ba. . .it's their responsibility in the first place to feed me, clothe me, give me all those things that I need because in the first place, I didn't even asked to be born. I didn't ask to be alive. . .I didn't wish for this kind of life. So why do I feel like it is my responsibility to pay them back because they did their responsibility as my parents?
Umakyat ako ng kuwarto para mahiga at matulog kahit na kaunting oras lang. Gusto ko lang makapagpahinga bago ako babalik sa ospital. Baka sakaling gising na si dad at puwede ko na siyang makausap. Alam ko naman nang makakarinig din ako ng masasakit na salita galing sa kaniya kaya ngayon pa lang ay inihahanda ko na ang sarili ko.
It's so funny that those names that I've been called the worst even came from my own parents. Stupid, worthless, useless, disgrace, and many more.
Why can't just they understand what I want to say? Bakit ba hindi man lang nila subukan na pakinggan at intindihin ako? Hindi naman mahirap na maintindihan ang mga bagay na gusto kong sabihin sa kanila. . .iyong mga bagay na sana marinig man lang nila. Hindi naman ako mahirap na pakinggan kaya. . .bakit? Bakit ba ganito sila?
Kahit nakahiga ako sa kama ay walang tigil ang pag-tulo ng aking mga luha habang nakatulala ako sa kisame ng aking kuwarto. Gusto kong magpahinga pero hindi ko magawa. Pagod na pagod na ako. I feel like I couldn't last for another day in here.
Unconsciously, I grip on the pendant of the necklace that I am wearing. Mas lalo akong pinangilidan ng luha ng maalala si Caesar. With the thought of him, inabot ko ang aking cellphone at saka tiningnan ang mga messages.
More than 100 messages are received by my phone and all of it comes from him. Lahat ng iyon ay nagtatanong kung nasaan ako, kung ayos lang ba ako, at kung. . .babalik pa ba ako.
Gustong-gusto kong mag reply sa message niya at sabihin na gusto ko nang bumalik sa France. . .na gusto ko nang bumalik sa kaniya pero, hindi naman ganoon kadali. I have a lot of problems that I need to face right now. Sariling problema at family problems na kailangan kong ayusin.
