My Messed Up Mind

Don't listen to the voices inside your head

Caution: mentioning of self harm, blood and trauma 

Read at your own risk.

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The call from the Abyss

It was awfully quiet that night.

Ever since I have been captured by this dark world, I have entered a whole new version of something that I can't explain.

Fogginess sure, uncertainties, definitely.

Loud voices in head that screams all the time or perhaps hallucinations that makes you go crazy and flinch at even the slightest movements.

Nightmares that sometimes feel more real than reality itself.

Tinnitus, that ringing of ear whenever you feel zoning out, makes you alert that 'Oh you're zoning out so come back.' Don't let your soul escape your body.

There was an incident where the voices became so unbearable I decided to distract myself by cutting a whole piece of my skin, my arm that is, a chunk of it.

With scissors. 

The piece that got cut wasn't big bcz you know the arm isn't a place where you can get a hold of a big piece, it was better that my mind didn't wander off to any other place. 

Its not like I cut it without hesitation, but my mind was overwhelmed, my breathing went haywire and I was panicking.

But... one slit and pain hit me.
The warm blood oozed out but my hand didn't stop. I had to complete it.

Fully torn the open-cut piece otherwise my mind was like, it will be a mess if I didn't finish what I started. 

Like cutting up myself wasn't a mess in itself. 

I swore that it was when the blood was dripping  everywhere that I could think in one direction and I stood up, ran into the bathroom and after completely cutting the piece of I threw the scissor away and let my arm drain the blood under the cold running water.

I looked at my hand that cut it, it was shaking so badly and I put that hand under water as well.

Seeing the blood flow in the sink I was amazed at how I didn't feel a thing. 

But then I remembered, it must be adrenaline, the pain is gonna hit me afterwards. 

I felt like fainting so I took my arm out, squeezed the wound with my other hand and sat down for a good 2mints. 

Inside my mind I was panicking. My breathing got heavy and the shaking didn't stop. 

Regret? Idk why I asked myself, "Why did I do that? Why didn't I stop myself?"

Those were just thoughts and voices but this... This is what I did not those thoughts. What was it worth? My arm is now forever scarred, my thoughts would have gone away.

At the very least, that is what I hoped so. 

I traced back and forth, looked at all the blood on floor. Suddenly I felt calm... Drawn to it. 

I approached the drops of blood and slowly to where I cut it, the small puddle was vibrant red and...warm. 

The smell wasn't too strong, or perhaps it didn't bother me.

I sighed heavily and touched the surface of the blood, it was clumping obviously but from it I took out the piece of skin that I had cut.

But that's when I felt a sharp headache as if that piece was screaming at me, so I threw it in the dustbin. 

I wanted to look at it closely, I had a glimpse but that was it, the pain was eating me alive, so I had to bandage it somehow. 

I skimmed through my desk and found painkillers, cold prevention packets, some guazes and some bandaids. I know I kept them for emergency, I didn't realize I would be using them this way. 

However, I took only the gauzes, cleaned the place with antiseptic and just covered it as I could. 

I cleaned up the mess that I had created in the room and now I was lying on bed like nothing had happened. 

I closed my eyes, I could feel the wound on my arm throbbing with pain. 

In the end, I grinned.

"What does other people's blood feels like? What color do they have." 

The abyss had awakened a strange feeling and sparked inside me.

And this wasn't a good sign. 

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🥀🥀

Jan-2023