My Messed Up Mind

Eyes that saw the realness in things

I wonder when was it, I started feeling complexity in my life.

As long as I remember, i wasn't really a social kid, I even started school late when I was almost 4yo.

Before that, I was homeschooled because of my health. Since I was born weak and it was an extremely cold night of winters.

Even though my mum said I was good with giving responses and listening well to others, understand what they said, but I don't know.... I was always bad at expressing myself to them or more like i didn't wanted to.

Adults were always there but I couldn't feel their presence.

At some point I started thinking that maybe that's how all kids are supposed to be... Just listen and do what being told, not being heard or do what I felt like doing.

I thought that was normal.

As I grew up, I played with my sister and fellow age cousins, it was normal for us to get along and have fun together.

But there was no bond.

At that time when children don't even understand what the word bonding means, they should be making them instead of understanding what it is first.

It wasn't like that for me, I had fun, was happy to play and talk to them but there was no connection.

I hazily remember the primary school stairs where i usually used to go by myself, there were two ways to go upstairs, but i always chose the one farthest away from my class. I always went in the opposite direction to use the other stairs from what normally what my classmates would choose.

Even though the stairs near my classroom was closer to the canteen downstairs. But more than eating during lunch time, I would roam around first and when the crowd was less i would go and get something to eat.

We used to have separate schools for primary section, and then middleschool and highschool was combined, across the street. I remember staring through the steel gates from primary school, gazing as tall individuals came out from the huge school across the street.

Everyone seemed to have something to do, or someone to meet.

I wanted to reach out and be a part of that someone that is trying to do something on their own.

But at that age, what can we really do except wait.

I waited, and finally I got in those huge gates that i stared upon all those years.

The ground was spacious, the stage of anthem and assembly was huge, the stairs were even taller than I had ever seen and the sky looked so vast.

A glimmer of hope in a child filled with curiosity.

But soon I realized, being bigger and spacious doesn't mean it will feel better.
No, It felt like a prison, a cage... A big vast cage.

The very sky suffocated me everytime i entered the open ground for assembly. Too many people, too many voices. A burden of expectations.

Then again, I thought that is how a kid is supposed to be like, obey what it ruled by, ruled by adults who obey the society.

Nothing was special about being a highschool kid, playing sports, winning and losing. Academics, position in class determined by how well I did.

Parties, co-curriculum activities, trips to parks. I loved PE. More than anyone in my class.

But was it really all there is to remember by?

Classmates were just passing stangers, i don't remember half of their names or what they are doing right now. Maybe they all are in contact with each other, but somehow I drifted apart from that world.

I was a part of captain team in my 9th grade, it was a nice change in pace as I learned what responsibility and oath means.

But seeing that others didn't really cared about that stuff made me think, isn't this what we are supposed to be doing?

Along the way I was becoming a dull and dusted stone. Or I thought, I wasn't doing as much as others.

How are they so happy?
How are they enjoying? Having arguments and fights with teachers?
How are they so carefree?
How are they so lively?

It weighed on myself, was I doing something wrong? Was I not doing anything fun? Was I enough?

Throughout the years, the names in my friends list became bigger but the seed to the bond never bloomed.

I felt lonelier than ever, they were beside me... But I could never reach.
Nor did anyone reached me.

Now that I think back all my memories are bitter sweet.
A dream like sensation filled with regrets and sorrows. Fleeting moments of happiness and joy.

What I thought would remain in me, slowly died. They stopped understanding me and I did the same to others.

Even to myself. It came to a halt. Like a cloudy night when the wind had stopped.

I closed my eyes. To everyone and everything.

In that darkness, consumed by fear, anger and anxiety, a jolt of lightning flashed and I heard a loud thunder.

I flinched, my heart raced but Strangely instead of scaring me I was in epiphany. As thunder is heard, the rains starts, and so does the life.

In that pouring rain, that became heavier moment by moment what I learned was accepting the loneliness, there was no one to embrace me so I embraced my cold body, accepting myself in the midst of a world filled with strangers.

I enjoyed that peace, at least when I closed my eyes, I felt my body be filled with ease.

If we are taught not to show our True feelings, made feel bad about expressing them, then I thought I would just keep them to myself.
Cherish them, be friends with them.
At least by doing that, I'll be safe with me.

Somehow I felt at ease...
I never depended on anyone, I did what I had in mind, what i wanted to without compromising other's need, roamed again in the school like it was a tour to some place I'll eventually leave.

Hiding in places, discovering new food, greeting new strangers, playing with younger kids.

I was admired for being so free.

Free from connections,
And
Free from expectations...

My grades were always average so i never had any speciality in anything.

But then again, I don't really care about being special.
As being ordinarily beautiful is enough for me.

Loneliness was warming up to me, and I welcomed it with open arms.

I do have regrets left here and there,
Why i didn't say that to them back then?
I should have done better than that time.
I shouldn't have become friends with those people.

In the end, all I gained were lessons. Turned out, all i needed was myself.

People are always difficult to understand.
If only there was one way to deal with them.

True I hated myself for being like this.
But I never regretted, my imagination and the eyes that saw the realness in things.
I'm glad I wasn't as hollow and fake.
I'm glad I felt lonelier than anyone my age.

-Author
A memoir for my younger self. ⛈️
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