Heartful Whispers

Kabanata 17

My presence of mind was nowhere to be found. Ilang tricycle na ang tumigil pero parang wala akong nakita o narinig. Nang halos ipamukha na sa akin ng langit ang paparating na kagabihan ay saka lamang ako natatarantang sumakay pauwi.

All I think about is Leonel. I only knew he got injured. I want to seek answers on how badly he was hurt, why did it happen, at kung okay lang siya. But then all I did was to stay silent. When Yula suggested that I should go home, I just did. Kahit na ayaw ko pa. Good thing my best friend was calm enough to think straightly.

She just promised me she would fish for information. I felt a bit embarassed about it. Was my face that giveaway of the worries dispersing in my head? Siguro nga.

Besides, she was right. It will just going to be worse when Mama starts to wonder. Ilang araw na rin akong hindi nakakauwi nang maaga.

Hinawakan ako ni mama sa braso nang akmang aakyat na ako sa kwarto. Kunot ang noo niyang tinitigan ako. Then her eyes dropped on my wrist kung nasaan ang bracelet. I swallowed hard and held her hand.

"Bakit po, Ma?"

"Iba ang tamlay ng mata mo. Anong ginawa niyo?"

"Kanina po ang first day ng intrams. Medyo napagod po kami."

Tinignan niya pa muna ako bago tumango. Her eyes went on my hands again but it was just a quick glance.

"Magpalit ka na at kumain nang makapagpahinga ka."

I smiled and nodded. Hindi ko gaanong binilisan ang pag-akyat ng hagdan. I walked upstairs like I was just really tired, or else my mother would sense that I'm guilty of something.. in a hurry to hide something.

When I reached our room, I shakingly took my bracelet off and put it in my wallet. Walang lakas akong naupo sa kama. Sa pinaghalong pagod, kaba, at pag-aalala, I suddenly felt the urge to be emotional.

With my eyes starting to get teary, I gave off a fragile laugh. Hanggang sa tuluyan nang may naglandas na luha sa ilong ko, natawa ako ulit sa sarili. My period must be on its way this week. Kaya nagagawa kong isipin ang mga bagay na iniiwasan kong isumbat sa kawalan.

I just happened to like someone. Why do I feel like being indicted for a crime?

Is something as normal as having special feelings for someone isn't for me?

Dahil ba bata pa ako? Is there a standard age limit for falling in love?

Pero syempre, ngayon ko lang hahayaang maisip 'yan. Dahil pagod ako at emosyonal, bukas dapat wala na iyan. My mother is always right.

Hinahayaan ko na ngang mas lalo pang magustuhan si Leonel, hindi na dapat ako nagrereklamo. Mali ko na iyon. Mali na hindi ko alam kung maitatama ko pa ba. Dahil natuturuan ba ang nararamdaman?

Problema na iyon ni mama kay ate, dadagdag pa ako.

The only thing that soothes me now somehow is doing good in my studies. Matataas naman ang marka ko at nangunguna sa klase. But there is still a hole of guilt of hiding something from my mother.

I washed my face repeatedly. My mother could see through many layers of me. I sniffed for the last time before going out of the bathroom. I spent my dinner telling my mother how the first day of intrams went and how we handled the booth.

Tahimik lamang na nakikinig si ate habang nagmamadaling kumain dahil nagkasagutan sila ni Mama kanina pag-uwi niya. She still looks pissed.

"Sinong kasabay mong umuuwi?" tanong ni Mama pagkababa pa lang ng bag ni ate.

"Pati ba naman 'yan Ma pinoproblema mo?"

Maingay na tumunog ang upuan dahil padarag na tumayo si Mama. Iniwan ko ang mga plato sa lababo na ihahain sana sa lamesa at mabilis na pumagitna sa kanila.